debunked – The Beezly Street Gazette

Chemtrails Are ‘Just Aeroplanes Trumping’ Claims Kylie Jenner

Astute social commentator Dr Kylie Jenner has controversially claimed that “Chemtrails” – the contrails left behind by aircraft in the sky, are merely aeroplanes experiencing a spot of ‘rectal turbulence’.

Believed to be a mixture of Anthrax, Valium and the bones of unbaptized babies, chemtrails are designed to make us obedient to our lizard overlords, by people that have failed to notice just how big the bloody sky is. But the reality star thinks this is nonsense, and that chemtrails are “just the aeroplane trumping. Like, they eat jet engine fuel so they can fly about, and when they’ve digested it, they do a big long trump in the sky, and that is what chemtrails are,”

Dr Jenner is planning on doing a Ted Talk explaining the mechanism and implications of aircraft cracking one off in the sky.

“With the amount of aircraft in the sky, I’m really concerned that the sky could get quite smelly and full of ‘plane farts, and we might need to go up and spray some Febreeze about,”

Said the star, who modelled a tinfoil hat on a Paris runway earlier this spring.

History Channel Attributes 4000 Year Old Cheese To Aliens

The oldest cheese in the world has been discovered in a tomb in China, and the History channel are keen to make a documentary about how it was put there by ancient aliens.

The cheese was found on the necks and chests of bronze aged mummies, having been preserved for 4000 years, along with the mummies and their outer casings by the dry desert air and salty soil.

History channel expert Giorgio A. Tsoukalos said:

“Ancient, ethnic peoples were not capable of complex tasks such as cheese-making, until the aliens showed them how to do it. Even then, they probably tried to make it by banging rocks together and shouting ‘Ugg!’

“Therefore we must open our minds to the possibility that these cheese crumbs were placed upon the mummies by aliens, or that aliens showed them how to make cheese from the milk of animals that the aliens showed them how to farm, when they became agricultural people instead of nomadic, which the aliens also showed them how to do,”

History expert Erich von Däniken is writing a book on the discovery, tentatively titled ‘Cheeses Of The Gods?’

“Obviously cheese making was invented by Europeans, and the ancient aliens kindly took the knowledge to ethnic groups around the world, as the primitive savages would never have had the sense to take the next logical step from farming to invent it themselves,”

Said Von Däniken in an interview with ‘Coast to Coast’.

‘Alien Nazi Cheeses Of The Gods’ premiers on the History Channel in September, and Von Däniken’s book “Cheeses of the Gods?” that explores how cheese making was brought to primitive, none-European cultures by alien overlords is scheduled for release in early spring.