Grim Reaper Vows To Knock Off Some Unpopular Celebs For a Change

The Grim Reaper normally stays out of politics. But he has promised his Twitter fans that he will stop bumping off quite so many popular, funny and well-loved comedians, actors and media personalities in the months following the UK elections.

Nobody knows exactly why this has happened, as Death is notoriously fickle and unpredictable. But the move is welcomed by the public, and popular celebrities themselves.

“I’ve been shitting myself for ages,” said Irish comedian Dylan Moran. Iconic actress Joanna Lumley is reported to have said “Oh thank F*** for that!”

The hooded figure of death itself stopped short of apologizing for the overwhelming demise of popular and much-loved media personalities such as comedians Robin Williams and Rik Mayall, and author Terry Pratchett over the last 12 months, but did promise to knock off some unpopular and unfunny tossers instead. When asked if he meant Katie Hopkins, the dark angel replied:

“NO COMMENT,”

Death’s unpredictable roll of the dice and questionable sense of humour has attracted the attention of gamblers. Bookies are offering odds of 8-1 for the woman that put a cat in a wheelie bin on Youtube, while Jeremy Kyle is Betfair’s odds on favorite.

Fulham Sinkhole Confirmed As Mouth Of Hades

The three foot wide crevice that opened up in front of a café on a Fulham street, swallowing several members of the public, has been confirmed as the mythical ‘Mouth Of Hades’ or entrance to the Underworld.

Experts from the British Museum have confirmed that this is not the Christian ‘Hell’, so there is no danger of explosions, lava, fire or escaping imps roaming the streets of Fulham and affecting house prices.

“This is a more classical abode of the dead, and therefore rather more misty and gloomy. It existed long before the idea of heaven and hell, and even before London, which as we know is very old. This particular hole is located above the Fields of Asphodel, which is a sort of afterlife version of Stoke-on-Trent,”

Said the expert, adding that the hole is unlikely to be dangerous, but that anyone who fell all the way down it would be forbidden by the ancient god of death Hades himself from leaving.

The council have cordoned off the area, and are expected to fill it in with gravel over the weekend. The public are being discouraged from offering sacrifices to the hole, and from pushing each other towards it as a dare.

Pratchett Fans Ask Death To ‘Take Clarkson Instead’

The sun has set for the final time upon the city of Ankh-Morpork, and fans of beloved author Terry Pratchett are already asking Death to do ‘Swapsies’ for Jeremy Clarkson.

A fan from Dublin said:

“I know Mort said ‘THERE’S NO JUSTICE. JUST US.’ but it’s just so horribly unfair. It’s not much to ask to bring him back, and take that egotistical, flappy-faced bigot Jeremy Clarkson instead, and we’ll even throw in Robin Thicke or E.L James. We’ll all pretend it never happened,”

A bereavement councillor, atheist and voracious reader said:

“Bargaining is a natural stage of grief, and many of us try to make a deal with God, Death and other supernatural forces as a way of coping with loss. Not once, in any single case has this ever worked. It is about as effective as asking the dog to do the washing up. But oh go on Death, just this once. Go on go on go on,”

During his 44-year career, Sir Terry wrote more than 70 books, which were translated into 37 languages, and read by an estimated 70 million people. Many fans credit the books with helping them to mentally escape difficult circumstances, as well firing their imaginations and inspiring some to write.

“Pratchett is our most-stolen author. We’ve replaced ‘Good Omens’ in excess of 15 times since it came out,”

Said a librarian from Leeds.

“I’m looking forward to ordering a complete new set of Discworld novels, as many of them will inevitably go missing in the days and weeks to come. And while nothing beats the smell of a new book, a brand-new Pratchett book hot off the press always just smelled a little more exciting. I’m really going to miss that. Can’t somebody have a word up there, and maybe swap him for, I don’t know, Jeremy Clarkson?”

Spock Returns To Mother Ship

Beloved extra-terrestrial Captain Spock has been beamed up to the Mothership one last time, and taken home.

After saying his farewells to earthlings via Twitter, the stoic Vulcan saluted, and the corners of his mouth raised up slightly as he waved goodbye, before peacefully fading away in front of the eyes of fans.

Beginning his career on earth in 1964 as the science officer in the pilot that would become ‘Star Trek’ as we know it today, the native Vulcan carved a place in the hearts of TV and movie fans worldwide.

“It is logical for me to go home now,”

Spock is reported to have said before he began his journey. He now begins the epic trip, not to “Where no man has gone before,” but to “From whence no traveller has yet returned,”

Greatly missed by countless fans here on earth, well-wishers are mourning his departure, and wishing him an interesting journey.

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