Study Shows Katie Hopkins Is Reincarnation Of 17th Century Witch Finder

A new study suggests that controversial media mouthpiece Katie Hopkins is a reincarnation of the 17th century ‘Witchfinder General’ Matthew Hopkins.

The Sun newspaper columnist is believed to be a direct descendant and true reincarnation of the 17th century vicar, responsible for a reign of terror and torture against people accused of being witches.

“The clues are all there,”

Said the scientist that carried out the study.

“It’s obvious that some evil, occult force is at work here, and that the Hopkins known as Katie is a mere vessel for the unquiet spirit of the ‘Witchfinder General’. Back in those days, the government whipped up fear about warlocks and magic, and that allowed the medieval Hopkins to make up loads of stupid shit about witches, and get away with being a gigantic bastard. They didn’t have Twitter or the Geneva Convention in those days of course, so they just tortured and murdered innocent people instead of writing nasty things in some sensationalist rag of a tabloid,”

Hopkins recently described immigrants fleeing brutal regimes as ‘cockroaches’, promoting a police investigation.

“If you look at Matthew Hopkins’s biting satire against the Puritans, all the bollocks he made up about witches, and then at Katie Hopkins’s mealy-mouthed Tweets and moany newspaper column, it’s very probable that Mathew Hopkins has returned from hell to walk amongst us once more,”

The study concluded that the only way to confirm this theory 100% would be to extract a confession by dunking Katie Hopkins in water to see if she floats.

“We’ve Got Enough Food Now Thanks’ Say GMO Protesters

The genetic modification of crops has been deemed unnecessary by the government following a report from people that don’t approve of white-coated witchcraft, and claims that everybody now has enough food.

A poster for the movie ‘Return Of The Killer Tomatoes’ – a bleak, dystopian GMO thriller.

“I’m a mother, and I’m happy with the organic selection on offer at my local supermarket,”

Said Linda Smug, an armchair nutritionist from London, who has an O Level in biology and runs an online forum for people that don’t like the idea of GMO food.

“I certainly don’t want to walk into Tesco and see tomatoes dancing around on legs, or bananas gasping for air on the floor, because they’ve been crossed with rainbow trout. We’ve got enough food now, and those companies are just being greedy,”

When it was pointed out that crops have been genetically modified by farmers for thousands of years, producing the oversized fruits and plump grains that we think of as normal today, Linda said:

“Harrumph! But would you eat a burger made from the offspring of a goat and a shark?”

And ran off crying.

Despite climate change playing havoc with ecosystems and crops in many countries, leading to mass starvation, illness and death of millions of people worldwide, protesters insist that GMO crops are part of a government plot to kill millions of people by feeding them food.

Martin Quinoa, who writes for health website Natural News said:

“It’s well known that Monsanto are in bed with Big Pharma, and that they want to wipe most of the population out. Mostly not us though, just people in other countries that can’t afford the latest Apple technology. Anyway, we’ve got more than enough food now, and we don’t want any new types. Everybody should just stop messing about with it,”

Prince Philip ‘No Longer Britain’s Best Bigot’ Claims Jeremy Clarkson

‘Top Gear’ presenter Jeremy Clarkson has smashed the leading score on Top Gear’s “Racist Reasonably In Favour With The Public” leader board.

“That’s the fastest anyone’s ever gone from Allen Partridge to Princess Diana in the public eye,”

Said host Richard Hammond, referring to the petition to reinstate Clarkson.

In an interview about the controversy, Clarkson said:

“If Jonathan Ross called his dog Fatima Whitbread, smirked about it on Twitter and then tried to chin a producer during a tantrum, he’d be down the Jobcentre right now. It’s right there at the top of the board and official now. I’m currently the best bigot reasonably in favour with the public,”

Prince Phillip has consistently topped the leader board, despite the Top Gear team having to knock ten points off for him a royal, and fifteen points for being a senile, out of touch old cabbage-fart. But this time Clarkson has smashed it, destroyed it, ripped it up, and other euphemisms for achievement that sound sort of violent and manly.

“I’m relived in a way,”

Said a Top Gear fan from Grimsby.

“I was worried that when Prince Phillip pops his clogs, we won’t have anyone to regularly give us our vicarious racist thrill by insulting people in public and not ending up a jobless, social pariah, and we’d have to just keep watching ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ on repeat all the time,”

David Cameron ‘Technically Not A C***’ Claims Leading Academic

Calling Prime Minister David Cameron an extremely rude word for a lady’s personal area on Twitter has been a national pastime for the last 5 Years.

 

But a leading academic has pointed out that Cameron lacks both the depth and the warmth to accurately be described as a c****.

“Of course, the dissimilarity doesn’t end there. There are lots of occasions where you would be delighted to see a real life c****, which isn’t the case with David Cameron.

“Many men and some ladies rather like c****s, and even people that aren’t overly fond of them definitely appreciate their usefulness. Which is again, something you can’t really say about the Prime Minister.

He then suggested re-claiming the word c***, as it was starting to “become ruined” by being associated with David Cameron.

“How about we all start calling him a ‘shape-shifting horse-f*****’, like somebody recently did on Twitter?”

Simpsons Insider Admits Involvement In Higgs Boson And 9/11

An anonymous writer and former member of the Simpsons television show’s inner circle has made a shocking revelation. He claims that the show’s writers and producers had ‘a heavy involvement and responsibility’ in current events, via the popular show itself.

“The show The Simpsons has been complicit in the creation of futuristic inventions, scientific discoveries and terrorist attacks,”

He said, speaking from a dark room in an unnamed location, thought to be underground, after claiming that death threats forced him to leave his home.

“Some people think it’s just a coincidence that we showed a magazine cover featuring a similar scenario to 9/11 years before it happened. Other people think it’s the Illuminati controlling the media, and planting subtle clues so as not to startle the sheeple,”

The television show has predicted many future events, mostly through the use of far-fetched scenarios and visual gags. Its most recently discovered prediction was when main character Homer Simpson accurately wrote down the equation for the Higgs-Boson particle on a blackboard, several years before it was actually discovered.

The Simpsons has also predicted Apple technology such as Siri and video calls on mobile telephones, the design of I-pods, the UK horse meat scandal, mutant tomatoes affected by radiation, and Miley Cyrus riding on a wrecking ball.

Experts in the methods of the Illuminati to control the population, point to the Miley Cyrus video prediction as proof that popular shows such as the Simpsons contain subtle clues that the population is being ruled by a shadowy elite.

But the former writer claims that isn’t the case. In his own words:

“The co-creator of the show Matt Groening sold his soul to the Devil in a blood ritual many years ago. Satan granted him unlimited success, but a price. Everything written into the show will happen at some point in the future. Sometimes it’s just on a small scale, like the lemon tree that was stolen in an episode, and then a real life newspaper reported the theft of a lemon tree. It’s easy to ignore stuff like that.

“But other times, and nobody can say when or how, the big stuff happens, and we all know it’s because of the show. We all know what I’m talking about here. THAT magazine cover. It didn’t mean anything at the time, it was just a meaningless sketch on screen for a second. And then it happened,”

“When we did the gag on Homer writing the equation down, the artist just threw down some random numbers and letters and made it look all mathematical. And now it’s been proven to be true. We don’t live in the world that we think we do. We live in Satan’s matrix, and he manipulates the world according to his evil whims. Matt Groening is an instrument of the devil, and being an atheist isn’t going to get him off the hook,”

Photo credits:

The Daily Mail

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jenlewis/21-times-the-simpsons-bizarrely-predicted-the-future#.pyL8gY9D0

http://www.veteranstoday.com/2013/06/16/beware-911-and-now-622-terrorist-foretold-in-the-simpsons/

Gays ‘Steal Souls Of Small Children’ Claims Ukip Leaflet

Leaflets claiming that teaching equality is ‘sexual grooming’ and accusing gays of malevolent witchcraft have been handed out at a spring conference in Margate. The literature claims that gays and lesbians want to steal the souls of unborn babies and primary school children and turn them gay, as part of a ‘recruitment drive’.

Describing how Satan gives gays special powers to remove and interfere with the souls of babies and young children, by recitation of barbaric words and blood rituals involving chickens and goats, the leaflet goes on to state:

Satanic transgender imp Baphomet is said to assist predatory gays with their disgusting rituals.

“These ceremonies often take place in sauna near to the school, or at a private house. A number of animals are sacrificed, after which there is a gay orgy to raise a cone of power above the school. The children’s souls are sucked up into a vortex and sent to hell, where Satan turns them all gay. Then the souls are returned to the children intact, apart from where Satan’s imps might have nibbled on them a bit. The child then begins to develop gay interests, ensuring ‘fresh blood’ for the gay community ten years down the line,”

The leaflet also explains why the LGBT community is hell-bent on turning children gay:

“As such people cannot reproduce, obviously their jealousy and covetousness means that they will attempt to steal the souls of the unborn and the young. By teaching ‘equality’ and acceptance of alternative lifestyles, the government has given gays carte blanche to suck out the souls of developing foetuses, and turn otherwise healthy young pupils into gay children, thus ensuring the destruction of the human race,”

“Primary school age children taunting each other about being gay, and using language like dyke and faggot is a healthy and necessary stage of heterosexual development. This ensures an appropriate level of shame and isolation, which prevents children becoming homosexual later in life, and sometimes leads to the self harm, depression and suicide of young gays and lesbians, which can only have a positive impact on the country as whole,”

‘Just Stop F***ing Moaning’ Say Heartless Bosses

In an anonymous survey of over 2000 company directors, “Employees just fucking moaning about their needs and pathetic little lives,” was top of the shit list.

“People needing their hand holding by their colleagues when they have a major operation really get on my tits,” said one anonymous responder. “If you’re working for me, I hired you AND all of your internal organs. Sitting in the office sobbing on work time is taking the piss,”

“Don’t go crying to HR all the time you bloody mard-arses,” and “A problem shared is a problem doubled” were the overall sentiments in the detailed study, designed to streamline HR departments. The adjustments that the report recommends could save up to eighty million pounds in the next five years.

“The trouble is, everybody wants to moan face to face now, and it wastes a lot of time & creates a huge paper trail. What happened to the good old-fashioned stuff upper lip?”

The study was sponsored by a robotics company that make HR robots, which can nod and mirror your expressions & body language, and ask you clarify what you just moaned about, and write a report on it. These robots are intended to lessen the burden on HR departments, who really have more important things to do than dealing with actual humans.

“But really, it would be better if everyone realized how lucky they were to have a job, did exactly as they were told, and stopped fucking moaning,”

Said the CEO of a multi million pound cosmetics company.

 

Swirling Abyss Of Nameless Dread Discovered In Milton Keynes

Motorists have reported a dank, swirling, sentient cloud of dread hovering above a roundabout on a main road in Milton Keynes.

The dark and dismal cloud of gloom is approximately seven meters in diameter, and estimated to be growing at a rate of four centimetres per hour. At the epicentre of the abyss is a small porthole, that appears to show a solar system similar to our own, but all of the planets are on fire. Reports that the cloud has sentience have been confirmed by Milton Keynes Police.

“We advise motorists not to stop and converse with the cloud, as at this point it could be dangerous,” said a statement from the Police.

“After a short conversation with the cloud, one of our officers sat down on the kerbside and wept. He is recovering at the station with a nice cup of tea and a Bourbon cream, but has decided to leave the Force and go mountain climbing for the rest of his short, pointless life. We wish him all the best,”

The swirling abyss has been reported to have said:

“There’s just no point to anything. Everything’s all shit and horrible, and terrible things are going to happen,”

A freak weather expert from Texas has identified the cloud as a ‘Swirling Abyss Of Nameless Dread’ and pointed out that, although uncommon, it is a natural phenomenon.

A similar anomaly happened in Slough in the 1940’s. It is thought to be a combination of high and low pressure in the atmosphere, humidity, and being too cold to snow. This mixes with the waves of apathy and depression and marijuana smoke coming from the town of Milton Keynes itself, and forms a heavy cloud of despair that eventually settles near the ground. Its doom and gloom predictions should not be taken seriously say experts, as it’s just on a downer at the moment. The public are warned to stay away from the abyss, as it will bring them down and bum them out.

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