Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

London Mayor Boris Johnson has approved an order for three million ‘Scorpion Bombs’ for the Metropolitan Police.

Originally a medieval weapon of war, each rustic clay pot houses up to twelve extremely pissed off scorpions with massive stingers. Once launched, the sealed pots break on the ground and release the annoyed arachnids. Stings are not usually fatal, but they hurt like buggary,

The Met Commissioner has promised that the unusual weapons will be “rarely used, and mostly on homeless people,” adding that the Police might deter protestors by “Ostentatiously shaking the pots to make the scorpions more angry,”

“And scorpions sort of creep people out,” he added, visibly shuddering. “They’re all skittery and weird. Hippies and people like that are becoming hardened to water cannons. But I defy even the most hardcore beardy-weirdy to not run off going “Oh my God, what the hell is that?” when a 6 inch hissing scorpion with a massive cob-on lands on their filthy sandals,”

Animal rights groups are concerned that using live animals against the public is both cruel and unethical. But a Met spokesman has issued a statement describing scorpions as “Total gits, that will sting you as soon as look at you,” and promising that they will only be used on “Poor people that are in the way,” within the City of London.

Photo from the Daily Fail

Survey Shows British Public Chatting Shit Again

A survey from the Royal Statistical society and King’s Collage Oxford has revealed that the British public are talking out of their arses again. This is due to a combination of government ministers bullshitting like mechanical muckspreaders, the press talking even more bollocks than usual, and the belief that we’re all rather astute and political, and would never climb onto a shit-wagon if some tosspot in a Saville Row suit told us it was a shiny new Rolls Royce.

The Executive Director of the company that carried out the telephone survey said:

“Sadly, we as a nation have only slightly more of an idea about the statistics on crime, benefits and immigration, as a 14th Century professional hermit would have about the mating rituals of the coconut crab. We’re like a nation of David Camerons trying to eat a foot long hot dog with chopsticks. Some of these findings are seriously mental, and many of us have got it all worryingly arse-about-face,”

We’ve got a pretty feverish imagination when it comes to how much unprotected sex British teenagers are having. According to the public, 15% of teenage girls are up the duff by 16. If this were true, the Arcadia group aren’t ones to miss a trick, and Topshop would be doing a roaring trade in neon purple PVC maternity wear and 5 inch heels that stretch when your feet swell up. But the official figure is closer to 0.6%, meaning our teenagers are almost fifteen times more responsible than the public thinks they are, even if they do wear stupid clothes and listen to crap music.

Another major misconception is benefit fraud, with the public estimating it to be £24 in every £100. This is thought to be due to government propaganda portraying benefit recipients as a cross between Dickensian criminal Bill Sykes, and the top ten most hated guests on the Jeremy Kyle show. Or maybe they just saw loads of people on crutches that day, and deduced that some of them must be trying it on. But the official figure is just 70p in the pound.

13% of the population are recent immigrants, coming over here and taking our women and forcing us at bomb-point to eat Halal Subway sandwiches. This figure includes illegal immigrants, but it also covers people that drive taxis and work in offices and hospitals and pay taxes, the cheeky sods. Compared with the public’s estimate of 31%, we either all bumped into to the same family wedding party that day, or somebody has been painting the roses red.

Apparently our government spends more on foreign aid than it does on loads of other things. Or does it? The survey again found this to be a complete bag of dicks, and government aid does not appear in the top 3 of the countries’ expenditure, and comes in at 1.1%.

Finally, we spend 15 times more on pensions than on Jobseeker’s allowance.

“But try telling that to some Daily Mail-reading old dear sitting at home, rationing her Smart Price digestives,”

Said the Executive Director.

“Anybody would think we’d been deliberately mis-led,”

Katie Hopkins Accuses False Widow Spiders Of Benefit Fraud

Katie Hopkins has accused false widow spiders of lying about their marital status, in order to claim more benefits.

Speaking at a business conference in Brighton yesterday, the media mouthpiece claimed that “many, if not all” false widow spiders were not widows or single mothers, as she claimed they were claiming.

“Frankly, I don’t believe that they’re widows at all. There’s a clue in the name for heaven’s sake,” she was overheard telling a pensioner in the pub afterwards.

The species of spider arrived in England in the 1870’s, in crates of fruit from the Canary Islands. Populations have expanded due to climate change. But scientists are not worried that they are going to take all of the traditional spidering jobs, such as sitting in bath tubs, spinning webs on the wing mirrors of Fiat Puntos, and running across the bedroom floor in young women’s bedrooms.

The pensioner that was sitting with Katie Hopkins after the conference said:

“Let’s face it. Who wouldn’t want to be at ground level in a young woman’s bedroom. Phwoar. No wonder they’re all coming over here in their droves. Next time I see one Mrs. Hopkins, I will hit it with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Mail. And may I say, you are just lovely, and you’ve really brightened up an old man’s day. Hail Satan,”

Hopkins claimed that thousands of immigrant false widows were arriving on cargo ships every single day in the UK, and that many lived “6 to a web, right over your head in the attic, scuttering around in corners where you can’t see them, waiting to give you a painful bite on the toe for absolutely no reason, because that’s what they’re like,”

The media has been accused of scaremongering about the false widow spider, and in cases where people have been bitten by a spider, it is easy to confuse false widows with several other species of venomous spider that can bite people, especially when the Daily Mail has apparently managed to convinced everybody that they’re spider experts all of a sudden.

Selfish Career Woman Turns Into Plate Of Lime Jelly

A former businesswoman has turned into an actual plate of lime-flavoured jelly, in the shape of a pair of wobbling breasts, after she tried to meet the demands of her career and her baby at the same time, the Daily Mail has reported.

Linda Smith, 31 from Devon turned into a plate of jelly after following some conflicting advice she read on the Daily Mail website.

Linda Smith in her current form as a pair of lime-flavoured jelly breasts.

After selfishly trying to run her business, as well as selfishly having a baby, her first after 15 fertile years of selfishly not having a baby, but relieved that she managed to avoid teenage pregnancy, Linda admitted she felt “exhausted and inadequate”.

“I was quite proud of running a business and looking after my baby at the same time, even though we’re both very tired & it’s hard sometimes. But now I realise I was wrong, and the stress has turned me into plate of lime jelly. I’m a terrible person and I’m going to hell,”

“I wish I’d looked at the Mail Online sooner, because then I would have realised what an awful, selfish idiot I am, and how I’m doing absolutely everything wrong. I’m turning my baby into a serial killer by leaving him with my sister 3 days a week. He’ll probably be gay because I bottle feed him when he’s at work with me. My roots are showing, I haven’t got any lippy on, my armpits haven’t been moisturised in weeks, and I bet my husband’s having an affair. I wouldn’t blame him, to be honest,”

Now that Linda is a plate of lime-flavoured, none-vegan jelly pair of breasts wobbling about on a plate in her parents fridge, she wants to warn other women about the dangers of having a baby, not having a baby, having a baby too early, and leaving it too late to have a baby.

“Basically, you’re a selfish, awful woman, or at best misguided, whatever you decide to do. Even not having a baby is fraught with danger and probably really selfish. Your best bet is to become a nun really, because then you’re automatically exempt from having a usable vagina and doing the wrong thing with it,”

Prince Philip ‘No Longer Britain’s Best Bigot’ Claims Jeremy Clarkson

‘Top Gear’ presenter Jeremy Clarkson has smashed the leading score on Top Gear’s “Racist Reasonably In Favour With The Public” leader board.

“That’s the fastest anyone’s ever gone from Allen Partridge to Princess Diana in the public eye,”

Said host Richard Hammond, referring to the petition to reinstate Clarkson.

In an interview about the controversy, Clarkson said:

“If Jonathan Ross called his dog Fatima Whitbread, smirked about it on Twitter and then tried to chin a producer during a tantrum, he’d be down the Jobcentre right now. It’s right there at the top of the board and official now. I’m currently the best bigot reasonably in favour with the public,”

Prince Phillip has consistently topped the leader board, despite the Top Gear team having to knock ten points off for him a royal, and fifteen points for being a senile, out of touch old cabbage-fart. But this time Clarkson has smashed it, destroyed it, ripped it up, and other euphemisms for achievement that sound sort of violent and manly.

“I’m relived in a way,”

Said a Top Gear fan from Grimsby.

“I was worried that when Prince Phillip pops his clogs, we won’t have anyone to regularly give us our vicarious racist thrill by insulting people in public and not ending up a jobless, social pariah, and we’d have to just keep watching ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ on repeat all the time,”

‘Evil’ Crufts Owner Caught Red Handed

A woman from Cleethorpes has been disqualified from Crufts, after an official overheard her trying to blackmail a Mastiff named Murphy into going for a poo during the show.

“She was showing the dog that video, where the black mongrel Libby takes a dump in the middle of the agility course and gets disqualified. She showed the video to the dog twice,”

Said the official, who has given a statement to the police.

The dog allegedly blackmailed by a jealous owner.

“Then the woman told the Mastiff that he was a good boy, and that good boys go poopy on show day, or they get sent to the pound. She told him that he wouldn’t be a good boy any more if he didn’t, and then she produced several rashers of bacon, and fed them through the bars of the cage, while chanting ‘Good boys go poopy, bad boys go to the pound,’ and promised more bacon after the dog had shat in front of judges and officials,”

The animal’s owner maintains that Murphy would never have agreed to the terms, and was simply wagging his tail because he loves bacon.

Photo: http://www.birminghammail.co.uk

Mary Berry Revealed As MI5 Spy

‘Great British Bake-Off’ judge Mary Berry has been outed as an MI5 agent codenamed Dragon, when she tried to recruit a Daily Mail journalist on Mumsnet.

“We can exclusively reveal that Mary Berry is an intelligence agent working for MI5. Recruiting spies from Mumsnet was Berry’s idea, and she has a secret account for this purpose,”

Said the journalist, who also has a secret account for nefarious spying purposes.

The writer and television presenter was awarded a CBE in 2012, supposedly for her services to culinary arts. But it is widely known on the spy circuit that she received it for foiling a plot to blow up the Queen in 2010.

Sources say that Berry infiltrated the terrorist cell by moving in next door to them after a tip off from government agents. She gained their trust by wafting delicious cooking smells over the garden fence, and inviting them in for a handmade Viennese whirl.

After gaining their trust by making fun of the Queen’s outfit during a royal visit to a school, which she described as “looking like a Smeg fridge with the top tier of an Indian wedding cake on top,” they confessed their plans to bomb Buckingham palace.

“Dragon, sorry, Berry is a valuable agent, and has been parachuted into Afghanistan several times, holding a plastic box with a cake in it,”

Said the source.

“Everybody wants her autograph and a slice of cake, and it’s surprisingly easy to get information out of people over a cup of tea and a wodge of lemon drizzle,”

Daily Mail Under Impression That Lara Stone Is ‘Forlorn’

After splitting with comedian David Walliams, the imposing 6 footer and wildly successful model went to the shop in spiky leather ankle boots in the rain, and her hair got blown about a bit.

Lara “kept her head down,” said the Daily Mail, above a picture of a clear picture of the model with her head up.

Experts believe that not putting any lippy on and not being pictured at a swanky nightclub standing next to a none-famous bloke or “mystery man” may have caused the confusion.

“I’ve never seen somebody that tall, in spiky leather boots and a designer coat that would make most people look like a hippo, look frankly less ‘forlorn’,”

Said a first-time reader of the Daily Mail.

“Do they just make it all up as they’re going along? Is there like a list of words from Victorian romance novels that you have to use when somebody splits up with their husband? Maybe the writer mixed her up with the dog, as he looks a bit wet and forlorn, and he’s got his head down,”

Meanwhile, ex husband David was “all smiles” as he went about his job, which involves making people laugh and being friendly to them, because he is a famous comedian.

The Mail then urged readers to copy Lara’s “Forlorn” and whimsical outfit, consisting of a badass dress, leggings and spiked leather boots.

Photo credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2982270/Lara-Stone-cuts-forlorn-figure-sighting-splitting-husband-David-Walliams.html

UKIP Leaflets Feature Topless Katie Hopkins

UKIP has hired acidic TV rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins to help with a new PR campaign, designed to appeal to women.

The posters and leaflets featuring a smiling, braless Hopkins dressed in a cheeky, topless SS uniform-style dress, designed by scowling, spoon-headed, half-starved sartorial ghoul Victoria Beckham, will feature catchy slogans such as “Katie Backs Britain” and “Muslims Don’t Have Souls And They Should All Just Fuck Off Home,”

UKIP’s head of PR Matthew Richardson explained the unusual step in a press conference on Monday.

“Basically, we’ve tried everything and people still think we’re a bunch of nasty old bigots and a bit of a joke. So we’ve decided to play to our strengths, which means reaching out to the man and woman on the street. We can’t expect women to understand the same propaganda that we use on men, because it’s got numbers in it and stuff. But old Katie’s a good-looking gal and a bit of a laugh, and she speaks her mind. We’re very pleased to have her on board,”

Hopkins was unavailable for comment, as she was taking part in a Satanic, kitten-slaughtering ritual followed by a wife-swapping orgy with showbiz pals Richard and Judy Maidley.

Photo credit: www.huffingtonpost.co.uk

David Cameron ‘Technically Not A C***’ Claims Leading Academic

Calling Prime Minister David Cameron an extremely rude word for a lady’s personal area on Twitter has been a national pastime for the last 5 Years.

 

But a leading academic has pointed out that Cameron lacks both the depth and the warmth to accurately be described as a c****.

“Of course, the dissimilarity doesn’t end there. There are lots of occasions where you would be delighted to see a real life c****, which isn’t the case with David Cameron.

“Many men and some ladies rather like c****s, and even people that aren’t overly fond of them definitely appreciate their usefulness. Which is again, something you can’t really say about the Prime Minister.

He then suggested re-claiming the word c***, as it was starting to “become ruined” by being associated with David Cameron.

“How about we all start calling him a ‘shape-shifting horse-f*****’, like somebody recently did on Twitter?”

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

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Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts