Daily Mail Under Impression That Lara Stone Is ‘Forlorn’

After splitting with comedian David Walliams, the imposing 6 footer and wildly successful model went to the shop in spiky leather ankle boots in the rain, and her hair got blown about a bit.

lara stone

Lara “kept her head down,” said the Daily Mail, above a picture of a clear picture of the model with her head up.

Experts believe that not putting any lippy on and not being pictured at a swanky nightclub standing next to a none-famous bloke or “mystery man” may have caused the confusion.

“I’ve never seen somebody that tall, in spiky leather boots and a designer coat that would make most people look like a hippo, look frankly less ‘forlorn’,”

Said a first-time reader of the Daily Mail.

“Do they just make it all up as they’re going along? Is there like a list of words from Victorian romance novels that you have to use when somebody splits up with their husband? Maybe the writer mixed her up with the dog, as he looks a bit wet and forlorn, and he’s got his head down,”

Meanwhile, ex husband David was “all smiles” as he went about his job, which involves making people laugh and being friendly to them, because he is a famous comedian.

The Mail then urged readers to copy Lara’s “Forlorn” and whimsical outfit, consisting of a badass dress, leggings and spiked leather boots.

Photo credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2982270/Lara-Stone-cuts-forlorn-figure-sighting-splitting-husband-David-Walliams.html

Could YOU Be A Commentator For The Daily Mail?

Reactionary tabloid spaff-rag the Daily Mail is one of the most widely read ‘newspapers’ in the world, despite the fact that most reasonable people wouldn’t line their budgie cage with it, in case their budgie suddenly started shouting “Immigrants! Coming over here, giving our house prices cancer!”

daily mail woman

But the populist wingnut virtual chip-wrap has seen its notorious ‘comments’ section at the bottom of each article dwindle over the past couple of years, and is now appealing for fresh blood.

The rise of Twitter and other social media, mean it’s now easier than ever to type ignorant, judgemental horseshit about total strangers on the Internet. As a result, activity on the comment boards is at an all time low.

“We think the cold snap has probably killed off half of our commentators,” said the Mail’s only LGBT columnist Melanie Phillips. “They’re all old, mad and don’t have any friends or anything better to do. They’re the kind of people that wouldn’t let British Gas into the house to fix their boiler in case they stole their false teeth, so it’s not surprising the vile comments are dropping off a bit. I can imagine them all frozen solid in their beds, with the jar of crumbs that they’ve saved so that the birds don’t eat them, slowing going mouldy in their icy grip,”

“It’s a great way to harass people indirectly,” said the Devil via Ouija board. “The DM has got into trouble in the past for its pitchfork mentality towards innocent members of the public. Now they just get their readers to do it for them,”

The Daily Mail prides itself on the tolerance, pseudo-Christian values and open-mindedness of its readership, and  is seeking semi-literate applicants with passion and flair.

Last year’s ‘Commenter Of The Year’ award went to Joan Bigot from Hull, with her magnificent “String’em up & make’em eat the key!” rant regarding teenagers performing lascivious acts for free drinks in an Ibiza nightclub. The Mail hopes there are more curtain-twitching dipshits that buy concrete garden mere cats from B&M, that are willing to put their snarky two pee into the overfilled, underpunctuated piss-pot of loathsome twattery that is the Daily Mail comments section.

It’s very easy to apply – all you have to do is scroll to the bottom of your favourite Daily Mail article (preferably one about Josie Cunningham’s tits) and write something that only a friendless fucking moron with absolutely nothing better to do would say.