Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

The Home Secretary Theresa May has proposed that flesh and blood police officers directly affected by budget cuts, can be “supplemented and supported” by an army of cardboard cut outs of Dixson of Dock Green, with a mechanical swinging truncheon.

The pilot scheme, which saw life-sized cardboard coppers in the corners of shops to prevent shoplifting, has rendered actual police officers “almost obsolete”, according to people that aren’t currently cops, criminals or victims of crime.

The ‘PaperBobs’ as the media will be instructed to call the cardboard officers, to ensure that they sound friendly and reassuring, will patrol neighbourhoods on special caterpillar tracks at approximately 4mph. Pre-loaded with a variety of helpful phrases such as “ello ello ello” and “I hope you young scamps aren’t up to mischief”, they will be a “reassuring presence” and a “strong deterrent” to criminals, according to the Home Secretary.

The new scheme will “allow us to go further and tick more boxes, as once cannot fill in mountains of paperwork when one is climbing over the wall of a squat in pursuit of a violent drug dealer with a machete. It is perfectly possible to make savings without compromising the quality of neighbourhood policing. But only if all new recruits are made of cardboard and simply trundle about saying ‘evening all’ to old ladies,”

Somebody Wrote Fuck On A Statue

Readers of a sensitive disposition may want to sit down before scrolling through the rest of this story.

Somebody has written the ‘F’ word on a war memorial in London, it has been reported.


The shocking incident has left police and protesters badly shaken.

Prime Minister David Cameron said:

“We were just about to announce that we’d rigged the election, when we got the news that somebody had spray painted a rude word onto a war memorial. Obviously this changes everything,”

The protestors are demonstrating against austerity measures, which include cutting £12 billion from welfare expenditure. Because the last thing that poor people need is more money.

“It makes me ashamed to be an anti-austerity protester,”

Said one protester that did not want to be identified. “I think we should have a minutes silence every single day for a year, as a mark of respect for the fact that somebody has written fuck on a statue. I’m only glad they didn’t draw a cock on it as well,”

Solar Eclipse ‘David Cameron’s Fault’

The eclipse predicted on March 20th is thought to be entirely David Cameron’s fault.


“If anybody is capable of plunging the entire country into unnatural, eerie darkness on a cheery Friday morning in early spring, it’s David sodding Cameron,”

Said a statement from the Society of Astronomers Not Bloody Astrologers.

“The fact that the eclipse will briefly resemble a sort of bargain basement version of the Eye of Sauron is no coincidence.  He’s cut just about everything else he can get his muggy little hands on, so stealing the daylight from the entire country for 2 minutes and 47 seconds was inevitable,”

It is widely believed that the Prime Minister will retire to his underground lair to change into a vampire bat during the short eclipse.

The event is part of Saros Cycle 120, an 18-year cycle that began with a partial eclipse in 933 AD. But this particular event is believed to be entirely the fault of the Prime Minister, and an omen of gloom for wherever the dreaded shadow may fall.

“We can expect outbreaks of depression, rage, people unexpectedly losing their jobs and spitting at the TV whenever Mr Cameron appears on the screen. Dogs will almost certainly start to howl, and cats may arch their backs and fluff up their fur to make themselves look big. The event will last under 3 minutes, but the effects of the eclipse will be felt for many generations to come,”