Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

London Mayor Boris Johnson has approved an order for three million ‘Scorpion Bombs’ for the Metropolitan Police.

Originally a medieval weapon of war, each rustic clay pot houses up to twelve extremely pissed off scorpions with massive stingers. Once launched, the sealed pots break on the ground and release the annoyed arachnids. Stings are not usually fatal, but they hurt like buggary,

The Met Commissioner has promised that the unusual weapons will be “rarely used, and mostly on homeless people,” adding that the Police might deter protestors by “Ostentatiously shaking the pots to make the scorpions more angry,”

“And scorpions sort of creep people out,” he added, visibly shuddering. “They’re all skittery and weird. Hippies and people like that are becoming hardened to water cannons. But I defy even the most hardcore beardy-weirdy to not run off going “Oh my God, what the hell is that?” when a 6 inch hissing scorpion with a massive cob-on lands on their filthy sandals,”

Animal rights groups are concerned that using live animals against the public is both cruel and unethical. But a Met spokesman has issued a statement describing scorpions as “Total gits, that will sting you as soon as look at you,” and promising that they will only be used on “Poor people that are in the way,” within the City of London.

Photo from the Daily Fail

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

The Home Secretary Theresa May has proposed that flesh and blood police officers directly affected by budget cuts, can be “supplemented and supported” by an army of cardboard cut outs of Dixson of Dock Green, with a mechanical swinging truncheon.

The pilot scheme, which saw life-sized cardboard coppers in the corners of shops to prevent shoplifting, has rendered actual police officers “almost obsolete”, according to people that aren’t currently cops, criminals or victims of crime.

The ‘PaperBobs’ as the media will be instructed to call the cardboard officers, to ensure that they sound friendly and reassuring, will patrol neighbourhoods on special caterpillar tracks at approximately 4mph. Pre-loaded with a variety of helpful phrases such as “ello ello ello” and “I hope you young scamps aren’t up to mischief”, they will be a “reassuring presence” and a “strong deterrent” to criminals, according to the Home Secretary.

The new scheme will “allow us to go further and tick more boxes, as once cannot fill in mountains of paperwork when one is climbing over the wall of a squat in pursuit of a violent drug dealer with a machete. It is perfectly possible to make savings without compromising the quality of neighbourhood policing. But only if all new recruits are made of cardboard and simply trundle about saying ‘evening all’ to old ladies,”

Sir Trevor McDonald To Join Mafia

Former newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has revealed that “bitches and money” are behind his decision to become part of an organised crime cartel.

“It was all rather eye-opening”

Said the esteemed journalist, speaking about the ITV documentary “The Mafia With Trevor McDonald”

“These people are much cooler than my other friends, and up to their necks in fast cars and exotic young fanny. I’d never thought of being a career criminal before, but there’s something about “The Mafia With Trevor McDonald” that just has a certain ring to it,”

It’s a surprising move for a respectable journalist, whose only previous antisocial behaviour was accidently saying the C-word on the telly by accident, when he muddled up the words “Kent countryside” on News at Ten. But the mafia are keen to take him into their fold.

“I shall have to think of a nickname now, like Badass McD or Trevor Trouble-Trousers. And what are you looking at, tough guy? You think you can handle the big T.M? Get out of here kid,”

Badger Baiter Badgered By Belligerent Badger Boar

A lifelong member of the Barnsley Brotherhood of Badger Baiters has been badgered by an angry badger, on his way home from a briefing on Brockbait road in Badgergate.

Brian Bajour, 44 described the badger as a “Bloody belligerent, a big boar badger with great big balls,”

A Badgerfit of the badger that bothered Brian Bajour on Brockbait road in Badgergate.

He went on to describe how it began to badger him at the beginning of Brockbait road, and continued to bother him until he reached Badger avenue.

“This badger wouldn’t bugger off. I was beleaguered by the bothersome badger until I backed off & hoped it would bedevil some other bugger,”

Any residents of Badgergate badgered by bothersome badger boars are urged to call Badgerstoppers, or speak to anyone wearing a BadgerWatch Badge.

Joyriding Cocaine Weasel Epidemic Shocks Quiet Suburb

A quiet suburb in East London has been rocked by a spate of ‘Pecker Jackings’ by rogue teenaged weasels, thought to be high on cocaine and glue.

Police are urging residents to keep their woodpeckers inside, as the gang of drug-crazed hooligan weasels have been stealing them and riding them around the park in broad daylight.

One of the residents caught up in the afternoon attacks describes his terrifying ordeal. Pensioner Morris Sandwich said:

“I was walking my spaniel Hector to Waitrose at about 3pm yesterday. They came from nowhere, swooping from the trees on the back of three terrified woodpeckers. They swooped right past my ears and shouted obscenities at me. One of them made a rude gesture with its paw, and the one at the end threw a tiny beer can at my head. I’ve never seen anything like it,”

A hobbyist nature photographer, who was photographing some nice, well-behaved suburban wildlife at the time, snapped this photograph.

“I watched as a weasel leapt onto the woodpecker’s back. He shouted ‘Lads! I’ve got one! Time to burn rubber!” and forced the bird to fly around with it on its back.

“There was a slightly larger weasel nearby, who was wearing a studded jacket with ‘Badass’ written on the back above a skull. I believe this to be ringleader,”

“This has been going on for some time, but not to this extent,”

Said a local community officer.

“It’s a quiet neighbourhood generally, and everybody is just shocked by the behaviour of these weasels. It is believed that they are high on cocaine and glue, and that they may have been influenced by the computer game ‘Grand Theft Auto’.

Physically Fit Man Mugged By Robber Same Size And Weight

A new government initiative that aims to ‘level up’ random street muggings, and match muggers with suitable victims appears to be working.

Stabby McBurgle, of the Mugger’s Alliance

 

Stabby McBurgle of the Mugger’s Alliance said:

“The Mugging community struggles with equality issues, as up to 80% of street robberies are carried out towards vulnerable people and the elderly,”

“Mugging somebody your own size is a great step forward, and I’m glad this case it is getting the attention it deserves,”

The physically fit 28 year old Gym manager was mugged while walking home from the pub, by a lone, unarmed man approximately his own size and weight. He was punched in the stomach and kicked in the jaw while on the floor. The attacker removed his wallet from his coat pocket, called him a twat and ran away laughing.

“Well, I can’t say I’m entirely happy about it, as I had £85 and a priceless picture of my Great Grandad that died in the war in my wallet. But at least it wasn’t some frail old dear doddering along to the dog’s home with £5 notes falling out of her pockets, so fair play to him,”

Said the fairly fit father of four.

“By 2018 we hope to reduce the amount of pensioners and young mothers pushing prams being violently attacked for their bus fares. Higher-level muggings help boost the economy, and the downtime for the victim is considerably shorter.

 

Said McBurgle.

 

“This is a win-win situation for everyone involved,”

 

 

Quiet Suburb Terrorised By Paul Weller

After a spate of reports about singer-songwriter Paul ‘Modfather’ Weller knocking over people’s wheelie bins in the middle of the night and causing other minor disturbances, concerned residents have set up a ‘Weller Watch’ group.

“It’s getting beyond a joke,” said the anonymous father of three that set up the group. “I was woken up in the middle of the night by a crash outside. I went out and saw the Modfather pushing over my neighbour’s wheelie bin and pulling the recycling out. Then he kicked over the dish of milk my wife had put out for the hedgehogs and jumped into the bushes. I thought it was a one-off, but he’s been back since and pulled up my elderly neighbours Chrysanthemums,”

“Bloody Paul Weller!” said another anonymous resident of the quiet London suburb, where it is alleged that the principle figure in the 1970’s/80’s mod revival is carrying out his nighttime attacks.

“I’m absolutely sick of him! I had a banana stuck up my exhaust pipe the other day, and I bloody know it was him!”

The Twitter account for the Weller Watch group has been flooded with messages about the ‘Town Called Malice’ singer.

“He’s a menace, and I for one won’t be playing his seminal album ‘Stanley Road’ for a bloody long time to come,” claimed one user.

“I have burned all of my Weller downloads, after I found a joke shop poo on the bonnet of my car and thought it was real dog’s egg,” said another disgruntled former fan.

 

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