Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

London Mayor Boris Johnson has approved an order for three million ‘Scorpion Bombs’ for the Metropolitan Police.

Originally a medieval weapon of war, each rustic clay pot houses up to twelve extremely pissed off scorpions with massive stingers. Once launched, the sealed pots break on the ground and release the annoyed arachnids. Stings are not usually fatal, but they hurt like buggary,

The Met Commissioner has promised that the unusual weapons will be “rarely used, and mostly on homeless people,” adding that the Police might deter protestors by “Ostentatiously shaking the pots to make the scorpions more angry,”

“And scorpions sort of creep people out,” he added, visibly shuddering. “They’re all skittery and weird. Hippies and people like that are becoming hardened to water cannons. But I defy even the most hardcore beardy-weirdy to not run off going “Oh my God, what the hell is that?” when a 6 inch hissing scorpion with a massive cob-on lands on their filthy sandals,”

Animal rights groups are concerned that using live animals against the public is both cruel and unethical. But a Met spokesman has issued a statement describing scorpions as “Total gits, that will sting you as soon as look at you,” and promising that they will only be used on “Poor people that are in the way,” within the City of London.

Photo from the Daily Fail

Ryanair Passengers Handed Sheets Of Sandpaper & Told To Shut Up

Passengers on board a Ryanair flight to London from Spain were handed sheets of coarsely graded sandpaper en route to the lavatory, and told to “shut up” and “stop your whining” by stewards.

It is understood that the three-hour flight was deliberately made without refilling the toilet tissue dispensers, in an effort to keep ticket prices low.

A spokesperson for Ryanair said in a statement:

“We planned to introduce a pay-per-poo charge in the aircraft lavatories, but this proved unpopular with passengers. When we tried to sell them toilet paper at £1.50 per sheet, passengers simply brought their own, or used the back pages of ’50 Shades Of Grey’. We had no alternative but to ban kitten-soft from the aircraft completely, and issue passengers with sheets of abrasive sanding material instead. The last thing we want is anyone enjoying a relaxing poo in-flight, without paying for it as an optional extra,”

Pensioner Sydney Biscuit, who regularly enjoys relaxing 40 minute dumps on Ryanair flights when he visits family in Milton Keynes said:

“They ought to string’em up and throw away the key! My poor old balloon knot feels like a chewed orange now. I can’t believe I died in the war for this kind of treatment,”

“Disgusting,” said his wife Edna Biscuit. “I’m not sure who to blame for this, but it was probably Katie Hopkins, the dirty bitch. They’ll be making us squat over a gaping hole in the floor next, with a little man dressed as Satan slapping you in the face if you take more than five minutes,”

“What an excellent idea,”

Said the Ryanair spokesperson.

“Let me just make a note of that,”

Beer And ‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Bands And Musicians

A recent change in the law will allow musicians to exchange free beer, buffet food and ‘exposure’ for petrol, rent and guitar strings. Under the new legislation, it will be possible to pay for studio time or even a mortgage, by mentioning the ‘really big gig’ you performed at last week for no money, especially if there were celebs at it.

A bass player from Manchester said:

“This is really good news for bands and musicians. I’m looking forward to buying a new bass with the sausage rolls and four pints of Strongbow I was promised for doing a wedding last week. At last, the government are doing something to support working musicians,”

Under the old law, it was impossible to pay for any kind of goods or service with the bullshit idea that you are ‘getting your name out there’ by entertaining a bored crowd that have never heard of you, trying their hardest to get legless and cop off with each other at a badly organised event. But this new legislation paves the way for people that don’t want to pay for bands to hire bands, and for musicians to pay their mortgages with plastic glasses of warm ale and vague promises of future paid work.

“I was offered an unpaid spot at a posh wedding, on the promise that there were influential people among the guests that might help my career. I’m looking forward to name-dropping some B-list celebs and people off the telly at my building society, and getting a third off my mortgage this month,”

Said a professional flute player from Southampton.

“I’ve been a professional musician for fifteen years, and I normally feel like telling people to fuck off when they ask me to do stuff like that. But now I can finally afford to live on the total twaddle of some tight fisted bugger that wants me to do them a favour and doesn’t want to pay me,”

Photo from Wikipedia

‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Photographers

A change in the law will allow photographers to pay rent on their homes & studios with ‘exposure’ instead of money. They will also be able to buy coffee, shampoo and other essentials, by mentioning to the checkout assistant that they did a big job last week for nothing, and are hoping it will bring them some paying clients.

Landlords and supermarkets are protesting this move, on the grounds that “Well what the hell am I supposed to do with ‘exposure’? I can’t pay my bills with fresh bloody air! Why can’t you just give me money like every bugger else?”

The controversial new change will allow photographers to pay for their homes and studios by doing freebies for people that want pictures of their spoiled daughter at her expensive Sweet Sixteen party, pictures of their hair-brained new business idea, or a range of merchandise they plan to sell on EBay.

The owner of an online sausage website said:

“This is a very good deal, and I can’t understand what you’re all moaning about. I own a big sausage factory, and when people see that you have photographed my famous sausages, you’ll be beating off paying clients with a mucky stick. Everybody knows that’s how it works. If you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor by letting you photograph my sausages,”

Photographers themselves claim that they don’t really give a shit how famous your sausages are, or how many wealthy parents will be at your daughter’s swanky party that cost a grand to put on.

“The old saying went – if you pay peanuts you get monkeys,”

Said a professional photographer from Leeds.

“It used to be that if you planned to pay in imaginary benefits, good luck with your imaginary professional photographer, and the top notch professional service that you won’t be receiving. They’ll probably throw in imaginary re-touching and shoot it on a fictional Hasselblad as well,

“But with this new change in the law, I can actually pay the rent on my studio by spending the whole afternoon photographing someone’s annoying children for nothing. I can even get a free coffee in Starbucks by whipping out my portfolio and showing them all the many hours of retouching I did on some bright orange teenager whose mum told her she could be a model. This has revolutionized the field of photography, and I couldn’t be more delighted,”

A spokesperson for the National Landlords Association said:

“This is absolutely outrageous. How can anyone in their right minds hope to pay for goods and services with ‘exposure’? If we’re forced to accept the promise of future work in lieu of actual money, we’re all going to go bankrupt!”

‘Buses Smell Of Shit Because We Hate Poor People’ Says Transport Secretary

The government have announced a new scheme to ensure that all busses stink of shitty pants by 2015.

“Buses are one of the government’s many, creative ways of saying “We hate poor people,” said the Secretary of State for Transport, Patrick McLoughlin.

“Outside of London particularly, we tend to think of them as a combination of cattle wagon, rag ‘n’ bone cart, and a sort of punishment for being elderly, disabled or poor,”

A spokesperson for Arriva buses issued a statement that said:

“This is an important initiative. Whether you’re a student, a nurse, a single mother, disabled pensioner or simply can’t afford a car, the last thing we want is for you to simply enjoy a safe and comfortable bus ride at the end of a long shift or on your way to the hospital for treatment.  As well as hiking the price up every year, we plan to recruit people that smell of gin, vomit and piss, argue with the pixies in their head and attempt to lick other passengers in the face. They’ll be paid minimum wage, unless they’re on Jobseekers, in which case we’ll force them to do it for nothing, to sit at the back of the bus and shit their pants. We may even train them to whistle while they stink away, just to add to the general air of unease of an average bus rise, especially late at night.

“Bus drivers will also benefit from this inititative, as we feel they are often too friendly and cheery, and talk to the passengers too much. A shitty smell emanating from a dodgy-looking character sitting at the back of the bus is sure to nip any sense of good will towards passengers in the bud, before it develops into a full blown conversation about the weather, and begins the slippery slope towards an uneventful, efficient and even pleasant bus ride,”

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