David Cameron’s Voodoo Doll Collection Uncovered

According to a cabinet insider, Prime Minister David Cameron has a large collection of ‘Voodoo Dolls’ in a secret room at number 10 Downing Street.

voodoo doll

The dolls were said to be crafted by Cameron himself, a well-known practitioner of the Black Arts and shape-shifting lizard.

The unnamed Cabinet member said:

“He’s got a big doll in the shape of the letters NHS. When he’s in a mood, he goes into the room, lights a black candle and jumps up and down on it. There’s a big Ouija Board inscribed in the blood of the innocent in the middle of the room, which he uses to talk to Margaret Thatcher,”

The source goes on to describe how Cameron leads a Satanic mass before every Cabinet meeting, where various ‘Voodoo dolls’ are tortured and thrown around.

“He picked up the Nigel Farage one and made it walk across the table saying “Look at me, I’m a big plonker, hahahaha!” and poured a pint of ale over its head. Then he punched the Jobseekers doll in the stomach and threw it in the bin, and ordered Ian Duncan-Smith to flush its head down the toilet later,”

It is estimated that there are around 100 occult dolls in David Cameron’s possession, embedded with pins, knives and other sharp objects. Some of the dolls have disappeared, and it is believed that they have been fed to a powerful demon named Atos.

“There are a few that he hasn’t got around to mangling yet,”

Said the source.

“But it’s only a matter of time,”

Photograph from the fabulous TV Tropes website.

Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

rapture

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

Nobody Willing To Admit To Voting Tory

A post election poll shows that nobody in the UK appeared to vote for the conservative party, apart from a handful of posh old fruitcakes that don’t give a shit what people think, because they’re ancient and loaded.

tory gobshite

The survey, conducted by a random sampling of Facebook user’s updates that contained the words “vote” or “election” reveals that users are unwilling to admit to voting Conservative, even if they did. The majority of posts mention the Labour party, followed by the Liberal Democrat and Green parties. Posts in support of the Conservative party are conspicuously absent.

It is thought that a combination of guilt for being a self-serving, greedy little bastard that doesn’t give a shit about anything apart from money, and the baying mobs gathering in several parts of the country are to blame. An alternative theory is that the election was rigged. But of course this only happens in countries run by corrupt, narcissistic despots

Conservatives To Introduce Brand New Blood Sports

new blood sports

The Conservative party has announced plans to introduce brand new blood sports to the UK to counter the perceived elitism of fox hunting. Prime Minister David Cameron said in a press conference:

“We have listened to the people, and what Britain really needs right now is the freedom to get one’s rocks off by torturing animals. That is why we are planning to introduce several new, legal types of blood sports to the UK as soon as possible,”

The sports confirmed so far are cat kicking, stag stabbing, rabbit raping, mole murdering and badger bumming.

The new sports will be completely legal, as long as they are properly organised, participants wear the correct equipment and there’s a bit of a piss up afterwards.

Entire Country Smacked And Sent To Bed After Election

Everybody apart from Scotland is required to smack themselves on the bottom with a slipper and send themselves to bed with no tea, after this year’s election results.

 

Mum of three Norma Jones said she had thrown the nice lasagne and bottle of wine she was keeping for Friday in the bin, and was planning on sending herself and her husband to bed at half past six with no Wifi or giggling.

Geography teacher Leonard Powell said “It’s not just everyone else I’ve let down. I’ve let myself down as well. I was going to pop to the pub tonight as it’s been a rough week, but I’m going to sit in my bedroom in the dark with no heating on and mark some homework by candlelight,”

Anybody caught out on the street after half past six this evening will be made to copy out David Cameron’s autobiography in their neatest handwriting, and then throw it in the bin.

Grant Shapps Denies Drawing ‘Comedy Breasts’ On George Osbourne’s Homework

Tory party chairman Grant Shapps has been accused of defacing rival’s homework with drawings of large pairs of jiggling, ‘comedy breasts’ and other graffiti.

grant shapps

Cabinet colleague George Osborne was shocked to discover a huge pair of lady’s breasts scrawled in red pen across a page containing the minutes of a meeting that had taken place earlier that day. There was also an offensive statement about George Osbourne’s mother, which the minister has denounced as “utterly untrue and deeply immature”.

Shapps has denied the accusations, claiming that they are part of a smear campaign, and that the MP probably drew the boobs himself and then forgot about it.

When it was pointed out that some of the offensive statements, such as “I smell of poo” and “Karl Turner 4 Katie Hopkins” appeared to be written in his handwriting, he dismissed this as a coincidence.