Are You Beach Body Ready?

You’ve read the adverts, you’ve seen the infomercials, and now you too can be ‘Beach Body Ready’ with a military issue body bag!

beach body

Objectors to the new trend say it’s “morbid” and “creepy” and “restrictive”. But we say going on holiday is about what total strangers think of your ass, rather than enjoying yourself and having fun.

As we all know, beaches are not allowed to be fun unless you look like a fitness model. So volleyball, paddling, swimming and sunbathing are holiday no-nos for you I’m afraid. Somebody might look at your butt, and then where will we be? In hell, that’s where. And it will be all your fault for having an ordinary butt.

Instead of walking about or swimming on the beach in a bikini or swimsuit, you simply zip yourself into the bag and pretend to be a corpse for the duration of your holiday. As you can see from the photo, you won’t miss out on your holiday Pina Colada – simply unzip the bag and quickly take a drink while no-one is looking. You could even get one of those big long bendy straws and feed it through a tiny hole in the zip. Just take care to remain motionless, or somebody might call the paramedics.

This radical new beachwear solves all of your completely out-of-proportion body woes in one wipe-clean swish of a zip, and doubles as a dry cleaning bag when you get home.

Crafty gals can cut slits in the bottom of the bag, so that they can walk about in the dead of night without disturbing anyone’s holiday by not looking like Christy Turlington.

Black is an incredibly slimming colour, and we’re sure you’ll love hiding your awful, terrible, imperfect body away by pretending to be dead during your holiday.

The 100% opaque outer casing of the bag deflects the sun’s harmful UV rays, so there is no need to wear sun lotion. How liberating is that? And you’ll sweat so much inside the plastic bag that you will lose up to ten pounds over the course of a week. Imagine that – going on holiday and coming back a whole ten pounds lighter! You can enjoy all of these benefits and more by simply zipping up and lying down. We bet you’re really looking forward to your week in the sun now.

LOLCats React To Spain’s New Gag Law

In an effort to tackle police brutality, pesky protestors and ordinary people demanding their moral and human ‘rights’, Spanish Congress has just gone “fuck it” and made a law to send the entire country back to the Dark Ages.  We asked a couple of cats with surprised expressions what they thought of the new law.

wtf cat ginger

A spokesperson for Spanish Congress said:

“If we just make photographing the police illegal, organising informal protests on Twitter illegal, charge people loads of money to appeal a court’s decision, let the police have blacklists of people that don’t agree with them, bollock people harshly for civil disobedience and give the police more authority, it’s game over for all these aresey, ordinary people with an axe to grind. Bingo, no more complaining,”

wtf cat milton keynes

“Hey, whoa, hang on a minute. What century are we living in?”
Said a ginger tom cat from Australia.

The new set of offenses, complete with fines ranging from one hundred to thirty thousand Euros, or prison, come under the new law entitled ‘Citizen Safety Law’.

wtf cat dafuq

“That all sounds perfect reasonable to me,”
Said a government official’s cat from North Korea.

The ‘Gag Law’ that will affect protesters, the press, and anyone the government deems a bit uppetty, will come into force on July 1st of this year.

wtf cat the end