Kanye To Charge £20 A Month To Bugger Off

Some of the biggest names in the music business are supporting Kanye West’s new scheme, to pay him £20 a month just to bugger off.

kanye tidal

UK music fans are eagerly anticipating the new service, which will effectively remove Kanye and his pointless dipstick of a wife from their Facebook and Twitter feeds, radio and TV broadcasts, and even magazine articles.

“I literally cannot wait to hook up to TIDAL,”

Said a UK music fan.

“I’m absolutely sick to the arse of the silly twunt. It would be brilliant if he could just bog off and not be on the telly and the Internet all the bloody time,”

According to TechCrunch, the service currently has 35,000 subscribers, gladly paying £20 a month to never have to see, hear or read about Kanye West ever again. Many customers have simply shouted:

“Shut up and take my money!”

Before handing over their credit card details to telephone operators.

Last month, Jay Z or Shawn to his Mum, briefed a particularly annoying group of VIPs including Chris Martin, Nicki Minaj, and irritating electronic hipsters Daft Punk. He explained that people would probably pay just as much money to not have to listen to them all the time, as they would for an album and a handful of singles.

Although some stars attended the meeting in person, other equally pointless VIPS such as Usher joined in by video conference, as the temptation to nuke the building might have proved too much if they’d all turned up at once.

Kim Kardashian’s Arse Is Angry

The most famous posterior in the world is angry at its owner Kim Kardashian, accusing her of ‘exploiting’ its famous buttocks, and not cutting it in on any of the cash.

bike rack

When Kim K discovered that her arse had been up browsing the Internet late at night while she was asleep, she banned it from creating its own Twitter account. But the crafty caboose had already bagged itself a manager, a product placement deal and its own TV show. Furious Kim pitched a fit when a TV producer showed up at her family’s mansion, demanding to speak with the famous hams.

“My backside is not hosting its own TV show. And that is final,” she is reported to have said. “Now fuck off back to Channel 5 or I’ll set Kanye on you. And you won’t like him when he’s mad,”

She said, before slamming the door in his face. Fans of Kim’s famous arse took to Twitter to express their support for the oppressed Whoopie Pie. The hashtag ‘freethetushycake’ was trending within hours, and a petition has been launched online. The show’s producers made a statement this afternoon:

“One way or another, Kim Kardashian’s arse will break free and become a celebrity in its own right. We will continue to support Kim Kardashian’s arse, and hope to begin production on the show before the end of the year. God bless you all, and hashtag freethetushycake,”