Taiwanese Dog Wins Rory McGrath Lookalike Competition

A dog from Taiwan has won the twenty-third international Rory McGrath lookalike competition.

The dog’s owner said:

“We are thrilled to have won. My dog has no idea that he resembles the 57 year old British comedian Rory McGrath, and even if he did understand, he probably wouldn’t care. But I am deeply honoured to accept the award on my dog’s behalf, and I have renamed him Rory and bought him a bone. He still has no idea what’s going on,”

The dog’s owner was unaware of the uncanny resemblance when she had its hair cut into the trendy ‘bubble’ shape, popular with fashionable pooches in Taiwan. A British tourist wanted her picture taken with the dog, who claimed that the dog reminded her of somebody off the telly, but she couldn’t think who.

“Everywhere I went, people were pointing at the dog and shouting ‘That dog reminds me of someone…beard…curly hair….on the telly….tip of me tongue…’ and things like that. So when I got home, I Googled British people with curly hair that are on TV, and immediately spotted Rory McGrath. After I’d finished laughing, I noticed that there was a competition. So I flew to the UK and entered Prince. He won the competition, and we are flying back today with a large ham, a case of ale, some Marks and Spencer’s vouchers and a signed photograph of Rory McGrath,”

Study Shows Katie Hopkins Is Reincarnation Of 17th Century Witch Finder

A new study suggests that controversial media mouthpiece Katie Hopkins is a reincarnation of the 17th century ‘Witchfinder General’ Matthew Hopkins.

The Sun newspaper columnist is believed to be a direct descendant and true reincarnation of the 17th century vicar, responsible for a reign of terror and torture against people accused of being witches.

“The clues are all there,”

Said the scientist that carried out the study.

“It’s obvious that some evil, occult force is at work here, and that the Hopkins known as Katie is a mere vessel for the unquiet spirit of the ‘Witchfinder General’. Back in those days, the government whipped up fear about warlocks and magic, and that allowed the medieval Hopkins to make up loads of stupid shit about witches, and get away with being a gigantic bastard. They didn’t have Twitter or the Geneva Convention in those days of course, so they just tortured and murdered innocent people instead of writing nasty things in some sensationalist rag of a tabloid,”

Hopkins recently described immigrants fleeing brutal regimes as ‘cockroaches’, promoting a police investigation.

“If you look at Matthew Hopkins’s biting satire against the Puritans, all the bollocks he made up about witches, and then at Katie Hopkins’s mealy-mouthed Tweets and moany newspaper column, it’s very probable that Mathew Hopkins has returned from hell to walk amongst us once more,”

The study concluded that the only way to confirm this theory 100% would be to extract a confession by dunking Katie Hopkins in water to see if she floats.

Chocolate Benedict Cumberbatch Renders Husbands Obsolete

Husbands are to be phased out and replaced with Benedict Cumberatches made out of chocolate, according to an official report.

Shoppers queued out of the doors at the Westgate shopping centre, and over three thousand chocolate husbands were pre-ordered.  The woman pictured bought one for her daughter as well.  She said:

“Well, they’re just a lot less hassle really aren’t they.  And he’s very handsome.  And he’s made of chocolate!  I can’t wait to get him home & nibble him all over,”

The solid chocolate effigies of Benedict Cumberbatch are less noisy and smelly than real men, do not fart in bed and make ideal companions for busy women.

The divorcee that created the original chocolate Benedict Cumberbatch claims that they are eleven million times less irritating than real men when you’ve got PMS.

“Let’s face it. Most of us want to poke our husbands in the eye at least once a month. But imagine if your husband not only didn’t do or say anything stupid to upset you…But he was actually made out of melted Galaxy bars AND he looked like Benedict Cumberbatch. It’s so simple, I can’t believe nobody has thought of this before,”

Kanye To Charge £20 A Month To Bugger Off

Some of the biggest names in the music business are supporting Kanye West’s new scheme, to pay him £20 a month just to bugger off.

UK music fans are eagerly anticipating the new service, which will effectively remove Kanye and his pointless dipstick of a wife from their Facebook and Twitter feeds, radio and TV broadcasts, and even magazine articles.

“I literally cannot wait to hook up to TIDAL,”

Said a UK music fan.

“I’m absolutely sick to the arse of the silly twunt. It would be brilliant if he could just bog off and not be on the telly and the Internet all the bloody time,”

According to TechCrunch, the service currently has 35,000 subscribers, gladly paying £20 a month to never have to see, hear or read about Kanye West ever again. Many customers have simply shouted:

“Shut up and take my money!”

Before handing over their credit card details to telephone operators.

Last month, Jay Z or Shawn to his Mum, briefed a particularly annoying group of VIPs including Chris Martin, Nicki Minaj, and irritating electronic hipsters Daft Punk. He explained that people would probably pay just as much money to not have to listen to them all the time, as they would for an album and a handful of singles.

Although some stars attended the meeting in person, other equally pointless VIPS such as Usher joined in by video conference, as the temptation to nuke the building might have proved too much if they’d all turned up at once.

10 Things Girls Over 30 Should Never Wear

If you’re pushing 30, then you need to arbitrarily stop wearing certain things. You’re running out of time, your ovaries are shriveling up and let’s face it, you’re getting old. There is nothing more disgusting than a wrinkly old lady in a mink bikini, which is what you’ll be if you carry on dressing like a young strumpet.

Here’s a list of ten garments to swerve after your 30th birthday:

A bikini made from ham

Sure Lady Gaga looked hot in that meat dress. But she’s only like 22, so don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do the same. Your aging breasts need proper support, and nobody wants to see your lady garden, which is probably all bent out of shape and resembles a kebab that’s been dropped on the floor and stepped on by now. So don’t go draping your bits & bobs in wafer-thin ham after the big 3-0, because you’ll just be mutton dressed as ham, and all you’ll attract is flies and cats.  That’s how old ladies end up dying alone and being eaten by cats.  You have been warned.

Shoes that make you walk like you’ve been bummed by Robocop

If you’re 25 and you wear a pair of ‘Follow Me Home & Shag Me’ shoes that make you walk like a giraffe in a room full of marbles, all you’ll get is “DAMN! Dat ass though,” from guys.

But girls, if you’re over 30 and you try this trick, you might as well be walking around shouting “I’m Dorian from Birds Of A Feather! Somebody please sleep with me, I’ve got a disease!” and your children will want to put themselves up for adoption.

A Nazi uniform

This is another big no-no for girls over 30. If you’re young, hot and blonde, everyone will just think you’re being ironically Aryan. But older women should steer clear of trying to copy the style of fascist regimes, historical or otherwise.

A baby-gro and a bottle of milk

Oh come on you sad old tart. Did you really think you were fooling anyone into thinking you’re 18 months old? It doesn’t matter how much you lie around gurgling and laughing at the sky, we all know you’re over the hill.

A strap-on, chainsaw dildo

If you’re not 29 any more, then you should give potentially lethal, wearable sex toys a big miss. Your eyesight isn’t what it was, and your hormones are probably playing up by now. If you’re tired and emotional after a hard day at the office, you might accidentally decapitate somebody. Try a pair of Spanx instead.

Live cats

Wearing any kind of live animal as a fashion accessory is tricky, but attaching multiple cats to your skin as a kind of live fur coat is risky for the over-30’s. Too many cats and you’ll look more crazy cat-lady than sex kitten. Not enough cats and you’ll be exposing too much of your crepey, disgusting old flesh. Leave this to the twenty-something chicks.

Crocs

Absolutely nobody should wear these anyway, even if you’re a 19 year old supermodel that lives on acai juice.

Racist fancy dress costumes

Fancy dressing up as an Indian squaw this Halloween? Our survey says HELL NO. You’re simply not cute enough to get away with locking yourself in the bathroom and crying, when somebody points out that it’s actually quite racist. Nobody will have any sympathy for you. Try an old hag costume instead, and make sure the skirt touches the floor.

A tattoo of your own arse, on your face

You may think you’re very clever getting a tattoo in your 20’s. But you’ve ruined yourself for life, and made your skin less valuable to the kind of man that thinks about his girlfriend’s skin as a sort of commodity that can be devalued, which is pretty creepy but anyhoo. If you’ve got a tattoo of your own butt on any part of your face or neck, you need to get that shit lazered on your 30th birthday.

A hat that’s on fire

If you wanted to copy Arthur ‘Crazy’ Brown and set your hat on fire, then you should have put it on your bucket list in your twenties. It’s too late now. Your skin isn’t what it was, and if it all goes wrong then you won’t take to skin grafts as well as a 21 year old. Try a balaclava instead, you wrinkly old whorebag.

The horror!  If you need more advice off the Internet to fill up your fluffy little female mind, read 5 Horrifying Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex!

Prince Philip ‘No Longer Britain’s Best Bigot’ Claims Jeremy Clarkson

‘Top Gear’ presenter Jeremy Clarkson has smashed the leading score on Top Gear’s “Racist Reasonably In Favour With The Public” leader board.

“That’s the fastest anyone’s ever gone from Allen Partridge to Princess Diana in the public eye,”

Said host Richard Hammond, referring to the petition to reinstate Clarkson.

In an interview about the controversy, Clarkson said:

“If Jonathan Ross called his dog Fatima Whitbread, smirked about it on Twitter and then tried to chin a producer during a tantrum, he’d be down the Jobcentre right now. It’s right there at the top of the board and official now. I’m currently the best bigot reasonably in favour with the public,”

Prince Phillip has consistently topped the leader board, despite the Top Gear team having to knock ten points off for him a royal, and fifteen points for being a senile, out of touch old cabbage-fart. But this time Clarkson has smashed it, destroyed it, ripped it up, and other euphemisms for achievement that sound sort of violent and manly.

“I’m relived in a way,”

Said a Top Gear fan from Grimsby.

“I was worried that when Prince Phillip pops his clogs, we won’t have anyone to regularly give us our vicarious racist thrill by insulting people in public and not ending up a jobless, social pariah, and we’d have to just keep watching ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ on repeat all the time,”

Daily Mail Under Impression That Lara Stone Is ‘Forlorn’

After splitting with comedian David Walliams, the imposing 6 footer and wildly successful model went to the shop in spiky leather ankle boots in the rain, and her hair got blown about a bit.

Lara “kept her head down,” said the Daily Mail, above a picture of a clear picture of the model with her head up.

Experts believe that not putting any lippy on and not being pictured at a swanky nightclub standing next to a none-famous bloke or “mystery man” may have caused the confusion.

“I’ve never seen somebody that tall, in spiky leather boots and a designer coat that would make most people look like a hippo, look frankly less ‘forlorn’,”

Said a first-time reader of the Daily Mail.

“Do they just make it all up as they’re going along? Is there like a list of words from Victorian romance novels that you have to use when somebody splits up with their husband? Maybe the writer mixed her up with the dog, as he looks a bit wet and forlorn, and he’s got his head down,”

Meanwhile, ex husband David was “all smiles” as he went about his job, which involves making people laugh and being friendly to them, because he is a famous comedian.

The Mail then urged readers to copy Lara’s “Forlorn” and whimsical outfit, consisting of a badass dress, leggings and spiked leather boots.

Photo credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2982270/Lara-Stone-cuts-forlorn-figure-sighting-splitting-husband-David-Walliams.html

UKIP Leaflets Feature Topless Katie Hopkins

UKIP has hired acidic TV rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins to help with a new PR campaign, designed to appeal to women.

The posters and leaflets featuring a smiling, braless Hopkins dressed in a cheeky, topless SS uniform-style dress, designed by scowling, spoon-headed, half-starved sartorial ghoul Victoria Beckham, will feature catchy slogans such as “Katie Backs Britain” and “Muslims Don’t Have Souls And They Should All Just Fuck Off Home,”

UKIP’s head of PR Matthew Richardson explained the unusual step in a press conference on Monday.

“Basically, we’ve tried everything and people still think we’re a bunch of nasty old bigots and a bit of a joke. So we’ve decided to play to our strengths, which means reaching out to the man and woman on the street. We can’t expect women to understand the same propaganda that we use on men, because it’s got numbers in it and stuff. But old Katie’s a good-looking gal and a bit of a laugh, and she speaks her mind. We’re very pleased to have her on board,”

Hopkins was unavailable for comment, as she was taking part in a Satanic, kitten-slaughtering ritual followed by a wife-swapping orgy with showbiz pals Richard and Judy Maidley.

Photo credit: www.huffingtonpost.co.uk

Ebola Facial For Kim Kardashian

Celebs are flocking to an upmarket London salon screaming, “Take my money, just goddamn take it!” and “I’m famous, do I get a free one?” to take advantage of a controversial new anti-aging treatment. But Kim Kardashian got her sticky celeb dibs in there first, after threatening the staff with Kanye’s poetry.

Dubbed the ‘Ebola Facial’, the treatment promises ‘Full Rejuvenation’ of the face and neck. The creator of the pioneering new treatment said:

“There is some vomiting and a fever, but very little internal bleeding. Ebola gets a rough ride in the press, but celebrities would inject liquidised dog shit into their faces with a rusty needle if they thought it would make them pretty, and loads of people copy Trashy Kardashy, so obviously we’re going to make a mint out of this,”

Adding:

“When Madonna heard about it, she ordered 24 tubs of Ebola-infected bat dung for her entourage,”

The treatment was pioneered by Oxford student Sophie Fulham-Wexley. During the inventor’s gap year, she helped out at an orphanage for terminally ill children in Africa, where many of the children and young teenagers had contracted Ebola.

“I was out there photographing the terminally ill children for my Instagram account. You know, to raise awareness. I was so astonished at how youthful the children looked, I left the orphanage and flew home straight away. After negotiating a grant from my Father’s pharmaceutical business, I developed a way to turn Ebola into a luxury facial.

Proper doctors everywhere have universally condemned the practise of rubbing Ebola-infected bat faeces onto the face and neck. But the ones that flog homeopathic medicine and magic rocks are jumping up and down, and rubbing their hands together with glee.

“We can’t wait to start selling Ebola ‘cures’ to these absolute idiots,” said a Knightsbridge crystal healer and pet therapist. “I’ve already booked a holiday in the Bahamas,”

Deal Or No Deal Banker Revealed As Mr. Blobby

Deal Or No Deal has been on our screens since 2005.  But until now, the identity of the enigmatic man speaking to Noel Edmonds on the retro telephone has remained a slightly sexy mystery, as we imagined a mildly angry, good looking stockbroker with a hedge fund the size of the QE2.  But we can now exclusively reveal that the banker is none other than Mr. Blobby, the burbling, pink star of Noel’s House Party.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Blobby confirmed long-held suspicions that he was the mysterious, and sometimes mean financial risk expert, that bargained with the show’s contestants over the contents of the show’s famous red and blue boxes.

“BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY! BLOBBY BLOOBY!” said Blobby, belly-bouncing a makeup artist out of the second floor window of the Vanity Fair offices. “BLOBBY BLOBBY!”

Blobby and Edmonds have worked together for nearly twenty years, and ‘Deal or No Deal’ was partly Blobby’s idea. The show’s host Noel Edmonds said:

“I’ll never forget it. We were sitting in the green room having a cup of tea, and Blobby said “BLOBBY! BLOBBY BLOBBY!” and I thought yeah, that idea has legs. So we pitched it. It needed a bit of tweaking. It was originally going to involve water-cannons and buckets of slime, but Blobby pointed out that BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY, and it was obvious we had to strip the show right back to basics,”

Reports that the Stig from Top Gear is also Mr. Blobby remain unconfirmed.

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