Whaaaambulance dispatched For Boycotters Of Mad Max Movie

A big pink ‘Whaaaaaaambulance’ has been dispatched for Cockwombling Bumblecunts the world over, that are acting like One Direction fans on shark week. The outpouring of emotion on social media came in response to the idea of a female oriented ‘Mad Max’ instalment.

Claiming that “girls aren’t allowed in the apocalypse” and that action movies are “boys only, because putting girls or kissing in it is sissy”, some men are claiming that the idea of a woman running around putting bullets in people’s heads and slapping them silly in a fictional situation dreamed up by Hollywood, and in a completely unrealistic way, is unrealistic.

A very huffy man from Manchester, UK blustered:

“This is total nonsense, and clearly Hollywood is only interested in promoting a female agenda. So I don’t think that girls would be any good in an apocalypse. They should be at home, making sandwiches,”

Threats to boycott ‘Mad Max’ screenings are as yet failing to counterbalance the enormous publicity generated on social media by men whining about how oppressed they are, by being treated to a really fit actress running about with a gun in a multi-million dollar movie.

“Cor, that sounds brilliant!” said a movie fan from Milton Keynes.

“I didn’t know about the movie until I saw some bloke moaning about it on Facebook. Charlize Theron’s a cracking actress, and it’s got that fit knicker model in it too. And guns. And it’s had great reviewson Rotten Tomatoes. If the Feminazi agenda means I get to see Rosie Huntington Thingymabob jumping about on a tank, I’m all for it. Where do I sign up?”

Charlotte Church Threatens To Beat Prime Minister To Death With Katie Hopkins’s Arm

Welsh songstress Charlotte Church, who recently challenged Sun columnist Katie Hopkins to a charity boxing match, has now gone proper ape-shit and threatened to pull off Katie’s arm and chase the Prime Minister around Westminster with it.

“After I challenged her to a boxing match, I had a cup of tea and fag and thought about it. And then I realised I had to at least pull one of her arms off and beat Cameron to death with the sticky end,”

Said the singer, who shot to fame as an angelic classical singer.

“So I’m going to bang her lights out and then rip her bloody arms off, the moaning old Tory troll,”

“And when I’ve finished with her, I’m going to mash that smug prick Cameron in the face with the bloody end. That’ll teach him to be a lying little spoon faced weasel-shagger,”

The match is expected to raise nine trillion pounds for charity.

Iceman ‘Relieved’ To Come Out Of Closet

One of the founding members of X-Men has opened up about his relief at finally being able to come out of the closet. Robert Lewis ‘Bobby’ Drake has spoken about his experiences growing up as both a gay man and a future superhero.

“My father is Catholic and my Mother’s Jewish. It’s not been easy. My friends were always like “Bobby, you’ve got to come out of the fridge some time you know,”

Said the star, speaking to Vanity Fair.

“I’ve dated a few women. Lorna Dane and I are still good friends. But it was hard being so far in the closet that I was practically in Narnia, and it feels good to say yes, I am as gay as a lark. And if you don’t like it, I will turn you into an ice-sculpture and make you the centrepiece of Elton Johns next birthday party,”

When asked about the fan’s reaction to the news, he said that most fans were supportive, and that some fans had even guessed.

“I think lots of people in the industry have probably guessed, but that’s not the same thing as making it official. In an episode of Family Guy, they wrote me going to a gay bar. I thought that sucked a little, as it’s not anyone else’s business to call attention to somebody in that way, unless they’re already being up front about it. But considering what they did to Carol Burnett, I think I got off lightly,”

There has been some criticism from fans that Marvel is ‘turning’ characters gay in an attempt to be more diverse.

“Well, first of all, I’ve actually always been gay. That’s not something I could have stood up and said in the 1960’s. Also, a little diversity is a good thing. I think anybody that wets their pants and gets upset because a fictional character turns out to be gay, probably just needs to grow up a little.

When asked if he was going to feature in a gay lifestyle magazine such as ‘Attitude’, Iceman stated that he wouldn’t rule it out, although as a Superhero, he was a role model, and any shirtless photo shoots would have to be ‘very tastefully done, and the popsicle is staying in the wrapper,”

Chocolate Benedict Cumberbatch Renders Husbands Obsolete

Husbands are to be phased out and replaced with Benedict Cumberatches made out of chocolate, according to an official report.

Shoppers queued out of the doors at the Westgate shopping centre, and over three thousand chocolate husbands were pre-ordered.  The woman pictured bought one for her daughter as well.  She said:

“Well, they’re just a lot less hassle really aren’t they.  And he’s very handsome.  And he’s made of chocolate!  I can’t wait to get him home & nibble him all over,”

The solid chocolate effigies of Benedict Cumberbatch are less noisy and smelly than real men, do not fart in bed and make ideal companions for busy women.

The divorcee that created the original chocolate Benedict Cumberbatch claims that they are eleven million times less irritating than real men when you’ve got PMS.

“Let’s face it. Most of us want to poke our husbands in the eye at least once a month. But imagine if your husband not only didn’t do or say anything stupid to upset you…But he was actually made out of melted Galaxy bars AND he looked like Benedict Cumberbatch. It’s so simple, I can’t believe nobody has thought of this before,”

Benadryl Cucumber In Shock Over Name Ban

In a bid to encourage creativity in adults, the Arts Council has implemented a media-wide ban on pronouncing the name of the popular actor and star of ‘Sherlock’, Cumberdick Benderbatch.

A spokesperson for the Arts Council said:

“Word games and riddles are shown to promote creativity and stimulate the brain. By forcing broadcasters and journalists to come up with alternatives for popular words and phrases, and making the public work out what they mean, we’re increasing the creativity of the nation by around 16%, with no need to take any dreadful pottery classes, or help fill the already overstuffed coffers of happy-go-lucky Tory Kirstie Allsop.

“When we ran several thousand Internet sites, magazines and newspapers through our computers, the most used phrase, word or saying of 2014 was the name of the popular TV star, Eggsbenedict Cucumberpatch,”

With the ban on pronouncing Burgervan Countertop correctly in force from midnight, it has been left up to the press how best to pronounce Genuflect Crucifix. The actor himself is said to be “astonished” by the ban, adding:

“I don’t know why my name has been picked out of the hat. There is nothing wrong with the name Birkenstock Cummerbund. My grandfather and his father were both called Benny Hill’s Cadaver, and I see nothing funny about the name at all,”

 

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