cats – The Beezly Street Gazette

Your Dog Loves You A Super Creepy Amount

May 5, 2015 by Editor Leave a Comment

A recent study suggests that dogs love their owners in a way that would be “super creepy” if they were humans.

Dolly, a King Charles spaniel from Milton Keynes said:

“I love my owner Susan so much, I literally want to be surgically grafted onto her back, so that I can lick her ice-creams over her shoulder. Nothing short of a full, medical operation to turn us into Siamese Twins will ever sate the ocean of obsessive love I feel for Susan,”

Rocky, a 4 year old Staffy from Cardiff said:

“I lick my owner Brian’s arm every day, because ingesting his dead skin cells and salt from his beautiful arm makes me feel closer to him. The only reason I have not dragged his girlfriend in front of a bus, is because I just can’t bear to see him upset,”

91% of dogs said that had scrolled through their owner’s ‘phones to see who they had been talking to. 57% had considered secretly bumping off other pets or partners in a fit of jealousy, and 33% admitted that their favourite song was the ballad “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith, as it reminded them of the night their owner fell asleep on the sofa, and they just stared at them the entire time they were sleeping.

Filed Under: animals, humour, News, pets Tagged With: affectionate, animal lover, animals, cats, comedy, dog breeds, dogs, funny, funny news, funny story, hit piece, joke, loyalty, parody, pets, spaniel, spoof, staffy, temperment

Half Of Ukip Voters Don’t Trust Cats

March 28, 2015 by Editor 1 Comment

Around half of Ukip voters clain they don’t trust cats, finding them all slinky and inscrutable, new opinion research has found.

When pollster YouGov asked Farage fans whether they would describe themselves as prejudiced against felines, only 49% said they were not prejudiced.

35% of Ukip voters needed the question explaining to them twice, with a picture of a cat as a visual aid.

45% of the slack-jawed football hooligans admitted to being “a little prejudiced” while 6% said they were “very prejudiced” – a total of 48%

Of those that admitted to being prejudiced against cats, 26% said they would kick a cat if they saw one, 44% said that cats are “definitely up to something” and 12% said cats were to blame for a rise in crime, despite a recent drop in crime.

Reasons given for being suspicious of cats varied, but a general theme of “they’re all bendy and they make a funny noise” and “Well I’m really more of a dog person, so cats are just wrong” did emerge from the research.

Filed Under: humour, News, Politics, satire Tagged With: broken britain, cats, comedy, election, funny, funny news, hit piece, nigel farage, parody, pole, politics, spoof, survey, uk, ukip, ukip racist, ukip voters prejudiced, voters, yougov

UKIP Blames Cats For Broken Britain

February 4, 2015 by Editor 1 Comment

In his strongest attack yet on diversity, Nigel Farage says the country has been “taken over” by cats.

The unregulated breeding of cats for many centuries has left once proud Britain “A litter tray of shame”

The UK Independence Party leader said that although many cats live in luxury and don’t have to pay medical bills or rent, they make no contribution to the economy.

In his speech, he said that the arrival of cats from the Middle East in Roman times had proved to be disastrous for Britain. He told reporters how he had seen at least three cats on his way to the shops “Just lying around in the sun with their legs in the air. They didn’t even have the decency to put any underpants on. Does it make me feel slightly awkward? Yes it does. Do I think that parts of the UK belong to cats, like back alleys and that dodgy bit around the wheelie bin? Yes I do, and I think at least three quarters of voters would agree with me,”

“The thing you’ve got to understand about cats, is that they’ve been here for over a thousand years, and they still haven’t bothered to learn the language. That’s what happens when you allow immigrants to lounge about eating tuna with no underpants on. Ordinary working people end up waiting on them hand and foot,”

He added: “I’m not saying that cats should be forced to wear underpants, that’s a bloody stupid question. What I am saying is that we can’t understand what cats are saying when we eavesdrop on them in alleyways. British people have a right to know what foreigners are saying in the street. They might be planning to build a giant cat-mosque out of bins, or organising a jihad against protected British wildlife such as shrews. Fine, upstanding animal, the shrew.

He also defended UKIP members against accusations that they were not animal lovers, insisting that many members found cats “Sort of slinky and untrustworthy”, but admitted that he enjoyed cat memes on the Internet.