bugs – The Beezly Street Gazette

Disgusting Worm ‘Just Wants To Give You A Hug’

The mysterious pink worm that appears to vomit up wriggling tentacles onto a hand in a viral video “just wants to give you a cuddle” according to scientists.

“They’re very affectionate animals,” said doctor Brian Wriggleworth, a worm expert.

“The worm in the video was clearly just trying to give a heartfelt hug to whoever was holding it. Ejaculating its wriggling guts onto you is a sign of high esteem in the Ribbon Worm world,”

Ribbon worms are becoming more popular as pets, since Paris Hilton adopted one after her beloved dog passed away.

“They make ideal pets, and can be trained to fetch tiny objects such as thimbles & matches,”

Internet Explorer To Be Taken Outside And Shot

Computer company Microsoft has announced that it plans to ‘humanely cull’ Internet Explorer, rather than send it to a home for dated, knackered old browsers that don’t work properly.

Protesters claim that the dated, buggy browser could live out the rest of its days peacefully on an old server, away from the computers of people that just want to use the Internet without their browser crashing, running slowly or freezing up every ten minutes.

“Nah,”

Said a spokesperson for Microsoft.

“It really does need taking outside and shooting. We’ll have to taze it first of course, but it won’t feel a thing,”

Security and compatibility issues have dogged Internet Explorer for years, leading many Internet users to abandon it for Chrome and Safari.

“It takes a lot for people to try a new browser, when they’re so used to the one they’re using. But to be honest, it was such an enormous Franken-fuckup of bugs, patches and security issues, it really does need a bolt putting through its head. It’s cruel to keep it alive, like Jeff Goldblum in ‘The Fly’.