budget – The Beezly Street Gazette

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

The Home Secretary Theresa May has proposed that flesh and blood police officers directly affected by budget cuts, can be “supplemented and supported” by an army of cardboard cut outs of Dixson of Dock Green, with a mechanical swinging truncheon.

The pilot scheme, which saw life-sized cardboard coppers in the corners of shops to prevent shoplifting, has rendered actual police officers “almost obsolete”, according to people that aren’t currently cops, criminals or victims of crime.

The ‘PaperBobs’ as the media will be instructed to call the cardboard officers, to ensure that they sound friendly and reassuring, will patrol neighbourhoods on special caterpillar tracks at approximately 4mph. Pre-loaded with a variety of helpful phrases such as “ello ello ello” and “I hope you young scamps aren’t up to mischief”, they will be a “reassuring presence” and a “strong deterrent” to criminals, according to the Home Secretary.

The new scheme will “allow us to go further and tick more boxes, as once cannot fill in mountains of paperwork when one is climbing over the wall of a squat in pursuit of a violent drug dealer with a machete. It is perfectly possible to make savings without compromising the quality of neighbourhood policing. But only if all new recruits are made of cardboard and simply trundle about saying ‘evening all’ to old ladies,”

Living Saint Gwyneth Paltrow To Perform Holy Miracle With Food Stamps

Saintly kale-muncher Gwyneth Paltrow has graciously accepted a challenge to live for an entire week on a food stamp budget. Poor people everywhere are deeply touched by the multi-millionairess ‘having a go’ at being too poor to buy food, and have Tweeted their support to the actress.

The mother and health nut, whose poop is probably the most nutritious superfood on earth & can be eaten raw with a grapefruit spoon to cure baldness, tweeted a picture of a single loaf of bread and a dead fish, claiming that was her food for the week.

“I’ll take my knickers off and moon at the bread and the fish. The holy light issuing from my ass will ensure that there will always be enough bread and fish. I’ll serve it simply and humbly, with some lime and cilantro. I don’t know why poor people don’t just miracle their bread and fish, instead of stuffing themselves full of junk food. There would be plenty of money left over to buy limes and cilantro if everybody did this,”

Said the actress on her ‘Goop’ website, where she plans to make a huge deal of how you can live on food stamps for a week and still make delicious, healthy dishes at your leisure, in your gigantic farmhouse-style kitchen in your heated mansion, thus proving how stupid and lazy poor people are.

“She’s a living saint,”

Said the owner of a food bank in Manchester. “I am going to write to her and ask her for some recipes for Smart Price cornflakes, a small carton of skimmed UHT milk and a can of value beans,”