Orville Finally Flies Free

“I wish I could fly,
Right up to the sky,
But I can’t,”


The mournful words of a baby bird in a nappy, that captured the nation’s hearts back in 1982.

Orville the duck began his maiden flight home today, and the light entertainment world is sad to see him go. It is thought that the death of his writing and comedy partner, the ventriloquist Keith Harris prompted his decision to fly to warmer shores.

Even Cuddles the Monkey, Orville’s fiercest rival tweeted:

“I hate that duck! But I’ll miss him,”

Longtime pal Roland Rat said in a statement:

“This is really shit maaaaaan. I’m proper bummed out by the news. He was a gentleman and a fantastic entertainer,”

Gordon the Gopher is said to be “inconsolable” and Edd the Duck described him as an “inspiration and a true professional”.

“He influenced and entertained a whole generation,”

Said Edd the Duck, adding that his trademark green Mohican was inspired by Orville’s fluffy green coat.

Basil Brush told press this afternoon:

“The thing I’ll always remember about Orville, was that he had a lot of integrity. Sure, he could get his own way with those big eyes, and we had our share of fun behind the scenes. But I’ll never forget him telling Ricky Gervais to shove his poxy script up his arse, when it turned out he wanted Keith to be a racist bigot on ‘Extras’. I thought to myself then, that’s a duck with principles as well as talent. Boom boom!”

Taiwanese Dog Wins Rory McGrath Lookalike Competition

A dog from Taiwan has won the twenty-third international Rory McGrath lookalike competition.

dog that looks like rory mcgrath

The dog’s owner said:

“We are thrilled to have won. My dog has no idea that he resembles the 57 year old British comedian Rory McGrath, and even if he did understand, he probably wouldn’t care. But I am deeply honoured to accept the award on my dog’s behalf, and I have renamed him Rory and bought him a bone. He still has no idea what’s going on,”

The dog’s owner was unaware of the uncanny resemblance when she had its hair cut into the trendy ‘bubble’ shape, popular with fashionable pooches in Taiwan. A British tourist wanted her picture taken with the dog, who claimed that the dog reminded her of somebody off the telly, but she couldn’t think who.

“Everywhere I went, people were pointing at the dog and shouting ‘That dog reminds me of someone…beard…curly hair….on the telly….tip of me tongue…’ and things like that. So when I got home, I Googled British people with curly hair that are on TV, and immediately spotted Rory McGrath. After I’d finished laughing, I noticed that there was a competition. So I flew to the UK and entered Prince. He won the competition, and we are flying back today with a large ham, a case of ale, some Marks and Spencer’s vouchers and a signed photograph of Rory McGrath,”

‘No No No You Haven’t Measured It Properly’ Say Men In Penis Size Study

Scientists have measured 15000 male appendages from all over the world to determine the average size. But almost every man in the study is complaining that they weren’t measured accurately enough.

tape measure

“By my measurements, it’s actually 4.8.3 inches, or exactly mid way between the 6 button and the 9 button on the TV remote control. And to be fair, it was quite nippy in that room,”

Said a man from Manchester that took part in the study.

The BJU International journal of urology insists that all measurements were accurately taken and double-checked by scientists.

“Nah,” said a man from Dublin. “It was having an off day. I must have been dehydrated or something. And it was snowing outside, and I was wearing unusually thin trousers that day. I want to go back and get it measured again,”

“Male appendages are very much much of a muchness,” said a doctor in the study. “It’s unusual to get an especially large or small one, but men can worry about the size a great deal. We created a graph to show actual sizes of real, ordinary men, to reassure anyone that’s worried about the size,”

“Well I’m not worried about the size,” said a man from South America. “Why would I worry? I’ve never had any complaints. The scientist was probably freaked out by the size of it, and that’s why the measurement was off. It’s at least three quarters of a centimetre bigger than that. It’s winter too, and the tape measure was cold,”