UKIP Leaflets Feature Topless Katie Hopkins

UKIP has hired acidic TV rent-a-gob Katie Hopkins to help with a new PR campaign, designed to appeal to women.

The posters and leaflets featuring a smiling, braless Hopkins dressed in a cheeky, topless SS uniform-style dress, designed by scowling, spoon-headed, half-starved sartorial ghoul Victoria Beckham, will feature catchy slogans such as “Katie Backs Britain” and “Muslims Don’t Have Souls And They Should All Just Fuck Off Home,”

UKIP’s head of PR Matthew Richardson explained the unusual step in a press conference on Monday.

“Basically, we’ve tried everything and people still think we’re a bunch of nasty old bigots and a bit of a joke. So we’ve decided to play to our strengths, which means reaching out to the man and woman on the street. We can’t expect women to understand the same propaganda that we use on men, because it’s got numbers in it and stuff. But old Katie’s a good-looking gal and a bit of a laugh, and she speaks her mind. We’re very pleased to have her on board,”

Hopkins was unavailable for comment, as she was taking part in a Satanic, kitten-slaughtering ritual followed by a wife-swapping orgy with showbiz pals Richard and Judy Maidley.

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Farage In Skiddy Undies Row

The dry cleaner at the center of a dispute with Ukip leader Nigel Farage, has revealed that the MP has “Dead, dead skiddy” underwear.


Mr. Kahn, 47 from Manchester, has owned the dry cleaners for 15 years. He claims that Farage has not paid his dry cleaning bill for 3 weeks, and refused to clean any more clothes for him.

“I normally clean suits and jackets for Mr. Farage. But one time he’d been on a conference, and he pulled his suit out of the bag, and some underpants fell out onto the counter. And they were right skiddy. It was like multiple skids, Like he’d worn them two days in a row and not bothered to wipe. I’d estimate by the size of the skids he’d worn them two to three days in a row,”

Farage claims that his dry cleaning bill is up to date, a claim Mr. Kahn’s wife disputes.

“Lying sod! I do the accounts, and he hasn’t paid in 3 weeks. My husband told me about the skiddy underpants. Every time I see him on TV now, he just reminds me of skiddy underpants and puts me off my biscuit, if I’m having one at the time,”

A spokesman for Farage has strenuously denied the skiddy underpant claim, dismissing it as a “Smear attempt,” and claiming that Farage changes his underpants daily, and would continue to do so, even if he were camping, on a desert island or even at the Download music festival.

Britain First Terrified Of Metric System Changeover

EU bureaucrats have ordered Britain’s rail network to go metric, prompting fears that the UK could soon be under Sharia law.

tape measure

The change-over, expected to cause minutes of confusion as engineers and train drivers go “Oh yeah, hang on a minute, it’s all metric now innit. Bloody EU,” sparked a heated debate and call to action on the Facebook page of comedy Nazi keyboard warriors Britain First. The ‘Silent Majority’ have been extremely vocal about their concerns.

“It’s political correctness gone mad!!!!” said user Michael ‘Lovepump’ Pumpkin from Nottingham.

Facebook user Chris Soup said:

“It’s obviously a false flag operation designed to bring the country to a standstill. Let’s all nail a piece of bacon to the door of our local railway station. That’ll learn’em,”

“A sausage up the exhaust pipe would be better! See how they like having their transport disrupted,” added Linda Thick of Bainbridge, Surrey.

“This is OUR country and OUR out-dated, completely nonsensical measurement system. If extremists don’t like it they can just FUCK OFF!” said retired schoolteacher David Bummer, who later added “They’ll have us all measuring distances in severed heads instead of feet and inches. And then probably make us eat the heads!”