bomb – The Beezly Street Gazette

Boris Johnson Sanctions ‘Scorpion Bombs’ Against Austerity Protestors

London Mayor Boris Johnson has approved an order for three million ‘Scorpion Bombs’ for the Metropolitan Police.

Originally a medieval weapon of war, each rustic clay pot houses up to twelve extremely pissed off scorpions with massive stingers. Once launched, the sealed pots break on the ground and release the annoyed arachnids. Stings are not usually fatal, but they hurt like buggary,

The Met Commissioner has promised that the unusual weapons will be “rarely used, and mostly on homeless people,” adding that the Police might deter protestors by “Ostentatiously shaking the pots to make the scorpions more angry,”

“And scorpions sort of creep people out,” he added, visibly shuddering. “They’re all skittery and weird. Hippies and people like that are becoming hardened to water cannons. But I defy even the most hardcore beardy-weirdy to not run off going “Oh my God, what the hell is that?” when a 6 inch hissing scorpion with a massive cob-on lands on their filthy sandals,”

Animal rights groups are concerned that using live animals against the public is both cruel and unethical. But a Met spokesman has issued a statement describing scorpions as “Total gits, that will sting you as soon as look at you,” and promising that they will only be used on “Poor people that are in the way,” within the City of London.

Photo from the Daily Fail

Unexploded Katie Hopkins Found In Central London

An army bomb disposal squad was today trying to remove an unexploded former ‘Apprentice’ candidate with a face like a slapped arse and three miserable kids, from a building in Central London.

Speaking on LBC live, Boris Johnson said:

“We can’t take any risks with the thing. We’re going to cart it off to Kent and blow it up,”

The reality TV star, who was discovered in the basement of a building in the Tower Bridge area of London, was in “significant danger” of exploding, said disposal experts.

A spokesperson for the London Fire Brigade said:

“This is a densely populated area, and there is a diverse mixture of people living and working here. If detonated, the Katie Hopkins could launch into a demonic tirade about absolutely anybody.

The evacuation zone around Katie Hopkins is home to more than 1200 people. A local resident, who has been forced to sleep in a community centre said:

“I’m not allowed to go home until the malignant old relic has been disposed of. I hope they hurry up and explode the terrible artefact, before it breeds or goes on This Morning again,”