“We’ve Got Enough Food Now Thanks’ Say GMO Protesters

The genetic modification of crops has been deemed unnecessary by the government following a report from people that don’t approve of white-coated witchcraft, and claims that everybody now has enough food.

A poster for the movie 'Return Of The Killer Tomatoes' - a bleak, dystopian GMO thriller.

A poster for the movie ‘Return Of The Killer Tomatoes’ – a bleak, dystopian GMO thriller.

“I’m a mother, and I’m happy with the organic selection on offer at my local supermarket,”

Said Linda Smug, an armchair nutritionist from London, who has an O Level in biology and runs an online forum for people that don’t like the idea of GMO food.

“I certainly don’t want to walk into Tesco and see tomatoes dancing around on legs, or bananas gasping for air on the floor, because they’ve been crossed with rainbow trout. We’ve got enough food now, and those companies are just being greedy,”

When it was pointed out that crops have been genetically modified by farmers for thousands of years, producing the oversized fruits and plump grains that we think of as normal today, Linda said:

“Harrumph! But would you eat a burger made from the offspring of a goat and a shark?”

And ran off crying.

Despite climate change playing havoc with ecosystems and crops in many countries, leading to mass starvation, illness and death of millions of people worldwide, protesters insist that GMO crops are part of a government plot to kill millions of people by feeding them food.

Martin Quinoa, who writes for health website Natural News said:

“It’s well known that Monsanto are in bed with Big Pharma, and that they want to wipe most of the population out. Mostly not us though, just people in other countries that can’t afford the latest Apple technology. Anyway, we’ve got more than enough food now, and we don’t want any new types. Everybody should just stop messing about with it,”

Wasps ‘Even Bigger Pricks Than Jellyfish’

After a 12 year study concluded that Jellyfish are just horrible, pointless bastards, insect anthropologists have been quick to point out that wasps are much bigger pricks than jellyfish.


All biologists agreed that there is no point to jellyfish at all, but wasps are a necessary part of the ecosystem, even though they are gigantic pricks.

“Any creature that would viciously sting some poor sod innocently building a sandcastle on the beach is clearly a complete and total bastard, and both wasps and jellyfish would not hesitate to sting you in the face or on the end of your knob for absolutely no reason.”

Said a statement from the Institute of Stingy Insects.

“The difference is though, that jellyfish don’t really know they’re stinging you. They’re probably just swimming up to sniff your leg or something. Or getting stranded on the beach, because they’re not very bright.”

The scientists studying the jellyfish agreed with the insect anthropologists that wasps were both bastards and pricks, while jellyfish were just bastards. They did however point out that jellyfish are extremely stupid, while wasps at least have rudimentary intelligence. This would make them stupid bastards, rather than just bastards.

Dr. Gordon Bennett, a wasp expert from the Institute of Stingy Insects said:

“Being a jellyfish doesn’t involve much, and there’s really only one rule, which is to stay in the fucking water. It’s not like there isn’t enough water in the entire sea to swim about in. But they can’t even manage to do that half the time. A creature with the brain of a lard sandwich can’t sting you on purpose.

Wasps are just gits though. They’ll sting you on the arse for fun and then get all their mates involved. That makes them much bigger pricks than jellyfish. They’re like the football hooligans of the insect world. Just massive dickheads that nobody wants to share a pub garden with,”

Pomerainon Wasps Threaten To Torture Lobster Wasps Live On The Internet.

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps have responded to the childish taunts issued by North Korean Lobster Wasps, by building a torture chamber housed in a tiny TV studio.

wasp chair

The film appeared on Youtube, with actor hornets wearing comedy plastic claws playing the roles of the captured Pomeranian wasps.

The torture chamber is contained within a glass outer casing. There are several themed torture chambers that the captured hornets must pass through, after they have investigated the half-eaten Mr. Whippy cone that lies just inside the cunningly disguised entrance.

The entrance is hung with tiny velvet curtains, and a couple of sexy wasps with harem trousers and veils dance outside of it.  And a neon sign in the shape of a melted Rowntrees fruit lolly.

The captured wasp was is first strapped to a tiny bed, and subjected to degrading mechanical experiments of a sexual nature.

While this is going on, a tiny window appears with blue clouds and happy wasps flying about and stinging people.  The wasp (degraded and broken by now) suddenly regains its hope for the future and struggles to break free.

The cruel straps break, and the wasp flies towards the window – only to bash into it and fall into a massive silver sink, which is uncovered via a trapdoor in the floor.

If it survives flailing about a bit in the water, perhaps climbing onto a bit of potato peeling for safety, it will fly into the next room, which is even more deadly and degrading. This is left to the imagination of the viewer, but a dentist type drill can be heard in the background.

The final room is the execution room.  Guard Hornets grab the wasp again and force it into a chair that is splattered with that stuff that comes out of wasps, you know, wasp juice.  A tiny colander thing comes down upon its head.  It looks up to see a large hornet in a black hood with its leg on a switch. The lights flicker and the film ends.

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps issued a statement within 5 minutes of the film being uploaded to Youtube. It simply said:

“Alright, calm your tits you crazy bastards. We’ve decided to go to Australia instead,”

Korean Lobster Wasps Issue Disembowling Threat

This is the fourth in a five part series on the effect of climate change on our insect population.

In response to hostile behaviour from the Pomeranian Bollock-Wasp, the Lobster Wasps of North Korea have issued a statement, in the form of a mysterious parchment approximately 2 inches long.

wasp threat

The tiny document is made of chewed up newspaper, and features several lines of enigmatic symbols. Above the wasproglyphics is a finely rendered drawing of the head of a Korean soldier wasp. It appears to be wearing the balls of a Pomeranian worker wasp as a hat.

“This is most unusual,” said Doctor Gordon Bennet, poring over the tiny manuscript with a magnifying glass. “They must have some kind of technology that we are not fully aware of. This is very intimidating behaviour,”

Dr. Bennet is still decoding the unusual text at the bottom of the page.

“My best guess is that it describes a situation where the Korean wasps are flying about laughing hysterically, wearing hats made out of the balls of the Bollock wasps, after ruthlessly slaughtering their entire colony and daubing obscene drawings and taboo wasp swear words on the wall in excrement, and then uploading the footage to Youtube as a warning,”

Read part 1 here

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps Claim They Will ‘Sting Lobster Wasps In The Face’

Part 3 of a 5 part series on global warming, and how it is affecting our insect population.

Neither species has reached our shore yet, but Pomeranian Bolllock-Wasps are already claiming that they are going to “Fuck up” the North Korean species, and ‘Make effigies of their leader Kim Jong Wasp out of chewed up newspaper, and then shit on them”

 bollock wasp sign

“We will sting them in the arse, and then we will sting them in the face,” said a spokeswasp in a statement earlier today.

“This is a worrying development,” said Doctor Gordon Bennet, from the research foundation Why Wasps Are Such Pricks (WWASP).

“The species are naturally territorial and hostile towards one another. But this kind of taunting and name calling has not been observed before.,”

Footage of Lobster wasps waving little banners and making rude gestures with their claws has reached the Internet. Scientists are working on decoding the crudely scrawled banners carried by the Lobster wasps, but they are thought to be insults referencing both the genitals, and the dearly beloved mothers of the Pomeranian Bollock wasp population.

“Both species are set to land somewhere around the Bournemouth area early this summer,”

Said Dr. Bennet.

“They may miss each other completely. Or we could see the insects rioting on the beach, in what the media will inevitably dub “Wasprophenia”

Read part 1 of this breaking story here.

North Korean Lobster Wasp Set To Invade South Coast

The first in a 5 part series on the effects of global warming on the UK’s insect population.

lobster wasp

Swarms of mildly pissed-off killer hornets with massive lobster claws from North Korea are set to invade our shores this Easter, warns DEFRA.

The hornets, which are not known to have left North Korea before, are likely to become startled by western bees. This could lead to decimation of already fragile bee populations. It is not uncommon for UK bees to mock their leader Kim Jong Wasp, by creating unflattering sculptures of him out of chewed-up wax.

The Korean Lobster Wasp is so named because of its unusual mandibles, which resemble lobster claws. These can slice off our smaller, native wasp and bee head in a single pincer movement. These heads are often mounted on the walls of wasp’s nests on a little plaque made out of a discarded lolly stick.

 bee head

During the summer months, western working wasps are left with time on their hands after raising their broods, and roam around getting tanked up on fermented fruits, causing trouble and drunkenly picking on other insects. This has led to riots between insect populations.

A spokesperson for Bug Conservation UK advised that all wasps should be treated with caution, especially during the summer months when they gorge on fermented fruit and get blind drunk.

“Don’t try to twat them with a rolled up newspaper when you’re in a beer garden. You may be both pissed as farts, but they’re quicker than you. Just politely ask them to move on and try not to stare them down, or they will sting you in the face for fun. Because they are bastards,”

He added “And if you see a wasp with massive pincers like a lobster, put your drink down and run like fuck,”

Read about the even more deadly Pomeranian Bollock Wasp in part 2 of this 5 part series on global warming and insect populations.