baby – The Beezly Street Gazette

Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

A study into the behaviour of children under five years old has revealed that much of toddler’s more challenging behaviour is down to them being heartless little bastards, that sadistically enjoy tormenting adults.

The researchers secretly listened to the conversations of a hundred pairs of under-5s while they were alone in a room full of toys. While the researchers were watching, they played with the toys and tried to eat them. But when the researchers left the room and recorded the children playing, some of the conversations appeared to show malicious forethought and meticulous planning to an almost Machiavellian level.

A researcher that worked on the study said:

“I’m glad my kids are grown up. They were saying things like ‘you rip the pages out of that book and I’ll crap in her handbag, it’ll be hilarious’ and ‘you should have seen my nappy after I ate her entire collection of lipsticks, it was like somebody had clubbed a seal to death in the middle of a Pampers advert. LOL’. There is no doubt in my mind that under 5’s are simply bastards,”

Whaaaambulance dispatched For Boycotters Of Mad Max Movie

A big pink ‘Whaaaaaaambulance’ has been dispatched for Cockwombling Bumblecunts the world over, that are acting like One Direction fans on shark week. The outpouring of emotion on social media came in response to the idea of a female oriented ‘Mad Max’ instalment.

Claiming that “girls aren’t allowed in the apocalypse” and that action movies are “boys only, because putting girls or kissing in it is sissy”, some men are claiming that the idea of a woman running around putting bullets in people’s heads and slapping them silly in a fictional situation dreamed up by Hollywood, and in a completely unrealistic way, is unrealistic.

A very huffy man from Manchester, UK blustered:

“This is total nonsense, and clearly Hollywood is only interested in promoting a female agenda. So I don’t think that girls would be any good in an apocalypse. They should be at home, making sandwiches,”

Threats to boycott ‘Mad Max’ screenings are as yet failing to counterbalance the enormous publicity generated on social media by men whining about how oppressed they are, by being treated to a really fit actress running about with a gun in a multi-million dollar movie.

“Cor, that sounds brilliant!” said a movie fan from Milton Keynes.

“I didn’t know about the movie until I saw some bloke moaning about it on Facebook. Charlize Theron’s a cracking actress, and it’s got that fit knicker model in it too. And guns. And it’s had great reviewson Rotten Tomatoes. If the Feminazi agenda means I get to see Rosie Huntington Thingymabob jumping about on a tank, I’m all for it. Where do I sign up?”