author – The Beezly Street Gazette

Controversial New Book Mashup ‘Watership Pooh’

Fans of children’s literature are sharply divided over a new trend towards ‘Mashups’ of popular children’s books.

The fad started on Youtube, where songs are mixed or ‘mashed’ together to create something that sounds sort of cool, but a bit annoying to anyone under the age of 25. Media consultant Marvin Hipster from Shoreditch applied the same concept to classic children’s books, and the idea was an instant hit.

Currently trending on Twitter, the most popular ‘Book Mash’ is ‘Watership Pooh’, a cross between the pant-wettingly dark ‘Watership Down’ and ‘Winnie The Pooh’, the terminally inane tales of an unintelligent bear with an eating disorder.

With characters such as the Black Heffalump of Inle, and featuring Piglet as a gibbering psychic that has terrifying visions of death and destruction, critics say that they might not be suitable for small children. Its creator disagrees, claiming that gifted children are tired of conventional stories.

“I wanted to blend the darkness of the sort of rabbitty Lord Of The Rings, with the lightness and zen-like quality of a bumbling bear just farting around in the woods and eating misspelled bee products,” said Marvin. “My 4 year old son was like, just getting really bored of ordinary stories, so I decided to create one for him. The idea just took off. I’m opening a café called ‘Eat Drink Mash’ in Spitalfields later this year, where people can order books off a menu and have them mashed at the counter,”

Not everyone is a fan of the trend. Jeremy Beard, author of many classic children’s books ranted from his nursing home:

“He’s a twat! You can’t just plonk Winnie The sodding Pooh in the middle of Watership Down. What the hell is that going to even sound like? ‘My heart stopped running today, for my friend got his fat arse stuck in a tree’?”

While Dorothy Mole, head of the Society for Children’s Literature shook her head and just mumbled “Oh for fuck’s sake,”

Pratchett Fans Ask Death To ‘Take Clarkson Instead’

The sun has set for the final time upon the city of Ankh-Morpork, and fans of beloved author Terry Pratchett are already asking Death to do ‘Swapsies’ for Jeremy Clarkson.

A fan from Dublin said:

“I know Mort said ‘THERE’S NO JUSTICE. JUST US.’ but it’s just so horribly unfair. It’s not much to ask to bring him back, and take that egotistical, flappy-faced bigot Jeremy Clarkson instead, and we’ll even throw in Robin Thicke or E.L James. We’ll all pretend it never happened,”

A bereavement councillor, atheist and voracious reader said:

“Bargaining is a natural stage of grief, and many of us try to make a deal with God, Death and other supernatural forces as a way of coping with loss. Not once, in any single case has this ever worked. It is about as effective as asking the dog to do the washing up. But oh go on Death, just this once. Go on go on go on,”

During his 44-year career, Sir Terry wrote more than 70 books, which were translated into 37 languages, and read by an estimated 70 million people. Many fans credit the books with helping them to mentally escape difficult circumstances, as well firing their imaginations and inspiring some to write.

“Pratchett is our most-stolen author. We’ve replaced ‘Good Omens’ in excess of 15 times since it came out,”

Said a librarian from Leeds.

“I’m looking forward to ordering a complete new set of Discworld novels, as many of them will inevitably go missing in the days and weeks to come. And while nothing beats the smell of a new book, a brand-new Pratchett book hot off the press always just smelled a little more exciting. I’m really going to miss that. Can’t somebody have a word up there, and maybe swap him for, I don’t know, Jeremy Clarkson?”