atos – The Beezly Street Gazette

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

May 21, 2015 by Editor Leave a Comment

A leaked email from Atos to Prime Minster David Cameron describes British foxes as “scrounging little furry gits” and “thieving hippies”, and details plans to put them on a compulsory back to work scheme in the “outdoor entertainment industry”.

Foxes will be offered employment in several industries including childcare, retail and ambulance driving. The compulsory hunting scheme will only be enforced if they do not fill in and return the paperwork issued to them in a reasonable amount of time, and attend a Work Capability Assessment at their nearest town or city.

The E-mail concluded by proposing that the scheme could be extended to other wildlife such as the brown hare, which could be offered seasonal posts in supermarkets and cafes, or on a local a dog track. The greater horseshoe bat, currently a protected species in the UK would make an “ideal night watchman or bakery supervisor”, and it was also suggested that hedgehogs could be used to serve cocktail sausages at Tory functions, or risk having their benefits sanctioned and being used as bowling balls by drunken Eton boys on a weekend in the country.

The current law, which protects foxes from both hunting and Atos, was described as “archaic” and “out of touch”. TV personality Basil Brush reacted to the news by issuing a statement that said:

“Bloody typical, smug, barbaric, bloodthirsty bastards. And that’s swearing. Boom boom!”

Filed Under: animal rights, animals, Countryside, News, Politics, UK Tagged With: animal rights, animals, atos, attire, ban, blood sports, comedy, countryside alliance, david cameron, fox hunting, funny, hit piece, humor, hunting, hunting act, job seekers, joke, law, parody, political humour, politics, prime minister, right to hunt, saboteur, sanctions, satire, satirical, spoof, vulnerable, wildlife

ATOS Declare Richard III Fit For Work

March 22, 2015 by Editor 33 Comments

A leaked email from an ATOS employee, describing the last Plantagenet king as a “lazy bastard” and “just pretending to be dead” has been strenuously defended by the French IT firm.

The company that carried out the Work Capability Assessment test on the deceased king, whose remains were found in a car park in 2012, controversially found him capable of working in an office, or performing light manual labour such as driving a forklift truck.

A spokesperson for Atos said:

“Being a withered pile of smelly old bones that have been rotting under a car park for several centuries, is not in itself a reason to sit around all day not working. We have recommended that the King be dug up immediately and placed on a back-to-work scheme, and have his benefits sanctioned for being a blood-sucking, lazy old bastard.

The Bishop of Leicester, who led the king’s re-internment ceremony has criticised the ruling, saying:

“This is absolutely disgusting. The man’s been dead since 1485, and is in no state to pack people’s shopping bags or sweep up popcorn at the Odeon. He wouldn’t even make a good security guard for a sleepy village shop. Anyway, we’ve just buried him, and we’re not digging him up again. The poor old corpse won’t know if he’s coming or going. Leave him alone,”

Filed Under: News Tagged With: atos, benefits, british humour, burial, car park, discovery, funny, funny news, funny story, hit piece, humour, reinternment, richard III, satire, spoof

‘Put The Lotion In The Basket’ Atos Tells Sick & Disabled

February 23, 2015 by Editor Leave a Comment

Sick and disabled people that wish to appeal fitness-to-work decisions by Atos, are to be thrown down a well and asked to “Put the lotion in the basket,”

“This is a much more accurate assessment of whether somebody is capable of returning to work, than simply asking them loads of questions and then ignoring all the answers,” Said a spokesperson for Atos.

“By throwing them down a well, and then lowering a bucket down on a string and asking them to rub lotion into themselves, our assessors can get a clear picture of whether they are capable of re-entering the job market,”

The procedure involves leaving the claimant at the bottom of the well in the dark, with only chicken bones to chew on for a couple of days, to see if they climb out. If they do escape, they may be arrested for benefit fraud. If not, the bucket is lowered down with lotion in, which the claimant must use and then return to the bucket.

“Or it will get the hose!” added the spokesperson.

The procedure is intended to supplement rather than replace the traditional interview with the incorrectly qualified specialist. Claimants with mental health issues are still going to be seen by physiotherapists, and people about to have their homes repossessed because of their illness, will still be able to talk to some judgmental, Subaru-driving, incompetent cockwomble, that thinks you look suspiciously healthy for a cancer patient.

“We did suggest charging the most financially and medically vulnerable members of society upwards of a hundred quid to appeal a decision, that was based on some snooty bastard looking them up & down and deciding that they’re lying. But even we couldn’t get away with that. We feel that throwing them down a well and screaming at them to put the lotion in the basket is a fairer way forward,”