asia – The Beezly Street Gazette

Twats Tweeting Twattily About Apple Watch On Twitter

Twats worldwide have been Tweeting twattilly on Twitter about their new Apple watches.

“Look at me, I’ve got a black and gold one!”

Tweeted a twat in Australia, proudly showing of his twatty new wristwear to his twat friends.

Twats on twat-playground Instagram that pre-ordered the Apple watch have been taking twatty pictures of themselves unboxing the twatty new technology, designed especially for twats.

Twattily using loads of hashtags to alert as many Instagram users as possible that they’re a massive twat with the technology to prove it, many twats opted for the particularly twatty #nofilter hashtag to tag selfies of them wearing the watch. This is twat shorthand for ‘I like, don’t need a flattering filter to make me good looking’ thus proving that they are twats.

A twat in the UK posted a picture of his arm showing the watch, a ‘casually placed’ expensive laptop in the background and an Armani cufflink on his twatty purple shirt. Other users snapped their watch synching with their I-Phone, as if this would somehow compensate for them being a twat, and some twat of a footballer even got invited to the Apple store to be personally shown how to set up the twatty piece of arm equipment.

23 delusional twats in Sydney, Australia spent several hours of their twatty lives that they’re never going to get back, fruitlessly queuing outside the Apple store to buy one. Unfortunately for these wannabe twats, the true twats tweeting twattily about their pre-ordered Twat-watches are going to have the last laugh. Twattily, probably.

‘No No No You Haven’t Measured It Properly’ Say Men In Penis Size Study

Scientists have measured 15000 male appendages from all over the world to determine the average size. But almost every man in the study is complaining that they weren’t measured accurately enough.

“By my measurements, it’s actually 4.8.3 inches, or exactly mid way between the 6 button and the 9 button on the TV remote control. And to be fair, it was quite nippy in that room,”

Said a man from Manchester that took part in the study.

The BJU International journal of urology insists that all measurements were accurately taken and double-checked by scientists.

“Nah,” said a man from Dublin. “It was having an off day. I must have been dehydrated or something. And it was snowing outside, and I was wearing unusually thin trousers that day. I want to go back and get it measured again,”

“Male appendages are very much much of a muchness,” said a doctor in the study. “It’s unusual to get an especially large or small one, but men can worry about the size a great deal. We created a graph to show actual sizes of real, ordinary men, to reassure anyone that’s worried about the size,”

“Well I’m not worried about the size,” said a man from South America. “Why would I worry? I’ve never had any complaints. The scientist was probably freaked out by the size of it, and that’s why the measurement was off. It’s at least three quarters of a centimetre bigger than that. It’s winter too, and the tape measure was cold,”