The government have announced a new scheme to ensure that all busses stink of shitty pants by 2015.
“Buses are one of the government’s many, creative ways of saying “We hate poor people,” said the Secretary of State for Transport, Patrick McLoughlin.
“Outside of London particularly, we tend to think of them as a combination of cattle wagon, rag ‘n’ bone cart, and a sort of punishment for being elderly, disabled or poor,”
A spokesperson for Arriva buses issued a statement that said:
“This is an important initiative. Whether you’re a student, a nurse, a single mother, disabled pensioner or simply can’t afford a car, the last thing we want is for you to simply enjoy a safe and comfortable bus ride at the end of a long shift or on your way to the hospital for treatment. As well as hiking the price up every year, we plan to recruit people that smell of gin, vomit and piss, argue with the pixies in their head and attempt to lick other passengers in the face. They’ll be paid minimum wage, unless they’re on Jobseekers, in which case we’ll force them to do it for nothing, to sit at the back of the bus and shit their pants. We may even train them to whistle while they stink away, just to add to the general air of unease of an average bus rise, especially late at night.
“Bus drivers will also benefit from this inititative, as we feel they are often too friendly and cheery, and talk to the passengers too much. A shitty smell emanating from a dodgy-looking character sitting at the back of the bus is sure to nip any sense of good will towards passengers in the bud, before it develops into a full blown conversation about the weather, and begins the slippery slope towards an uneventful, efficient and even pleasant bus ride,”
The Beezly Street Gazette 