Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

A leaked email from Atos to Prime Minster David Cameron describes British foxes as “scrounging little furry gits” and “thieving hippies”, and details plans to put them on a compulsory back to work scheme in the “outdoor entertainment industry”.

Foxes will be offered employment in several industries including childcare, retail and ambulance driving. The compulsory hunting scheme will only be enforced if they do not fill in and return the paperwork issued to them in a reasonable amount of time, and attend a Work Capability Assessment at their nearest town or city.

The E-mail concluded by proposing that the scheme could be extended to other wildlife such as the brown hare, which could be offered seasonal posts in supermarkets and cafes, or on a local a dog track. The greater horseshoe bat, currently a protected species in the UK would make an “ideal night watchman or bakery supervisor”, and it was also suggested that hedgehogs could be used to serve cocktail sausages at Tory functions, or risk having their benefits sanctioned and being used as bowling balls by drunken Eton boys on a weekend in the country.

The current law, which protects foxes from both hunting and Atos, was described as “archaic” and “out of touch”.  TV personality Basil Brush reacted to the news by issuing a statement that said:

“Bloody typical, smug, barbaric, bloodthirsty bastards. And that’s swearing. Boom boom!”

Conservatives To Introduce Brand New Blood Sports

The Conservative party has announced plans to introduce brand new blood sports to the UK to counter the perceived elitism of fox hunting. Prime Minister David Cameron said in a press conference:

“We have listened to the people, and what Britain really needs right now is the freedom to get one’s rocks off by torturing animals. That is why we are planning to introduce several new, legal types of blood sports to the UK as soon as possible,”

The sports confirmed so far are cat kicking, stag stabbing, rabbit raping, mole murdering and badger bumming.

The new sports will be completely legal, as long as they are properly organised, participants wear the correct equipment and there’s a bit of a piss up afterwards.

‘Wasps Can Still F*** Off’ Claim Animal Lovers

Britain is famously a nation of animal lovers, and numbers of vegetarians, vegans and anti cruelty supporters are growing. But wasps can still f*** right off, according to many animal loving Brits.

Margaret Otter, who runs a sanctuary for abandoned pets, including turtles, tarantulas and lizards said;

“I’ve got a special spray that I use to kill them, and then I watch them die, and then I chop off their head with a plastic picnic knife, pop it on a cocktail stick and stand it by the gate as a warning to other wasps,”

A hunt saboteur from Hampshire said;

“I love all animals apart from wasps. If one flew near me while I was reading, I would definitely twat it with the book, even if it meant getting a bit of wasp juice on the book,”

Martin Carrot, a vegan since the 1960’s said:

“Hey come on. It’s wasps we’re talking about here, not butterflies or bees. It’s like they deliberately pick on you when you’re innocently going about your business. I wouldn’t kill or eat one, but I’ve got absolutely no sympathy for them,”

Reasons for disliking wasps varied, and included “hanging around and being annoying when you’re trying to make jam” and “building nests in the eaves of your house”. But “stinging people for no good reason,” and “well, they’re just bastards aren’t they?” were two of the most popular reasons for disliking wasps.

“I’m against animal testing,”

Said an animal rights protester in Manchester.

“But if someone poured shampoo into a wasp’s eye and made it smoke tobacco, I probably wouldn’t give a shit,”

Wasps ‘Even Bigger Pricks Than Jellyfish’

After a 12 year study concluded that Jellyfish are just horrible, pointless bastards, insect anthropologists have been quick to point out that wasps are much bigger pricks than jellyfish.

All biologists agreed that there is no point to jellyfish at all, but wasps are a necessary part of the ecosystem, even though they are gigantic pricks.

“Any creature that would viciously sting some poor sod innocently building a sandcastle on the beach is clearly a complete and total bastard, and both wasps and jellyfish would not hesitate to sting you in the face or on the end of your knob for absolutely no reason.”

Said a statement from the Institute of Stingy Insects.

“The difference is though, that jellyfish don’t really know they’re stinging you. They’re probably just swimming up to sniff your leg or something. Or getting stranded on the beach, because they’re not very bright.”

The scientists studying the jellyfish agreed with the insect anthropologists that wasps were both bastards and pricks, while jellyfish were just bastards. They did however point out that jellyfish are extremely stupid, while wasps at least have rudimentary intelligence. This would make them stupid bastards, rather than just bastards.

Dr. Gordon Bennett, a wasp expert from the Institute of Stingy Insects said:

“Being a jellyfish doesn’t involve much, and there’s really only one rule, which is to stay in the fucking water. It’s not like there isn’t enough water in the entire sea to swim about in. But they can’t even manage to do that half the time. A creature with the brain of a lard sandwich can’t sting you on purpose.

Wasps are just gits though. They’ll sting you on the arse for fun and then get all their mates involved. That makes them much bigger pricks than jellyfish. They’re like the football hooligans of the insect world. Just massive dickheads that nobody wants to share a pub garden with,”

Owls Be Like ‘F*** Your Pop Up Café, Man’

Plans to open a pop-up ‘Owl Bar’ in London have been met with objections and criticism, not least from the owls themselves.

A spokesperson from an owl sanctuary has objected to the event, on the grounds that:

“Owls are sensitive and shy nocturnal creatures, and it is cruel to subject them to a crowded or noisy atmosphere such as an event or party,”

Spokesowl Hootie, a large Jazz-Owl from Harlem, speaking on behalf of the group of owls expected to spend the week being fondled by drunken patrons said quite righteously:

“That’s right bitch! Owls be secretive and sensitive birds, wid ‘sepshunal hearin’. Subjectin’ us t’large crowds and noise aint whut be best fo’ our welfare. What it is, Mama. Right On!”

The organiser of the event claimed that:

“The organisers have also made sure the noise and background music will be kept to minimal and an owl will only have around 10-12 members of public around him/her at a given time.”

To which Hootie replied:

What? You’s wants’ me t’rap t’each group uh assholes fo’ 10-12 minutes? What am ah’ supposed t’do? Lap dance? Vomit up a shrew? Fuck yo’ pop up cafe man. Some bitch be missin’ her nose an’ eyeball after 5 minutes of that lame-ass unpaid performin’ shit. ‘S coo’, bro,”

Obese Dashund Dennis Exerts Own Gravitational Pull

A 6 year old miniature Dashund named Dennis has been given a new lease of life, now that his body mass no longer attracts smaller obese dogs to orbit around him.

Dashund Dennis, pictured with his own moon in orbit around him.

Dennis had been fed on junk food, and had grown so large that several smaller fat dogs were constantly rotating around his gigantic belly. As he slimmed down, the smaller chubby hounds were able to break free of his gravitational pull and lead a normal life.

“He used to go for a ‘walk’ on a trailer pulled by a tractor,”

Said his new owner.

“One day a really fat pug rose several inches from the ground and floated over to him like a ghost. Then it started to slowly rotate around his stomach like the moon does around the earth. Their leads got all tangled up, it was very embarrassing,”

More obese dogs followed, and soon Dennis was the epicentre of his own lardy dog universe.

“Dogs need to be able to run about and do gross dog things, like rolling in poo and chewing bin bags and collecting unhygienic objects like discarded underpants. He couldn’t do any of that when he was obese. He was like a sort of dog Buddha. But not a very happy one,”

Dog obesity is a growing problem and can cause health problems.

“I’d recommend you feed your dog on proper dog food, rather than pizzas and lard sandwiches. Dogs want attention, exercise & sticks, not their own laws of physics,”

Badger Baiter Badgered By Belligerent Badger Boar

A lifelong member of the Barnsley Brotherhood of Badger Baiters has been badgered by an angry badger, on his way home from a briefing on Brockbait road in Badgergate.

Brian Bajour, 44 described the badger as a “Bloody belligerent, a big boar badger with great big balls,”

A Badgerfit of the badger that bothered Brian Bajour on Brockbait road in Badgergate.

He went on to describe how it began to badger him at the beginning of Brockbait road, and continued to bother him until he reached Badger avenue.

“This badger wouldn’t bugger off. I was beleaguered by the bothersome badger until I backed off & hoped it would bedevil some other bugger,”

Any residents of Badgergate badgered by bothersome badger boars are urged to call Badgerstoppers, or speak to anyone wearing a BadgerWatch Badge.

Free Dancing Mouse With Tesco Deliveries

Tesco has announced plans to roll out its ‘Free Dancing Mouse’ scheme, with every home delivery order.

This means that every household that has their groceries delivered, will be treated to a specially trained mouse in a sparkly leotard and two little tap shoes, performing a range of tap performances to old time classics and modern pop songs.

“We trialed this scheme in Clacton, and received a lot of positive feedback. We’re happy to announce that a free dancing mouse will be included in every delivery.

Of course, we do reserve the right to substitute another performing animal if no mice are available, such as a snake that makes balloon animal, or a dog that plays the guitar,”

Said a spokesperson for Tesco.

Customers in Clacton were delighted to receive the dancing mouse, claiming:

“It was just so fast. It’s the last thing you expect with a delivery,”

David Cameron ‘Hunting Is Different For Upper Classes’

The British countryside could soon see a return to traditional hunting.

“The Hunting Act has done nothing to help the welfare of the upper classes,”

Said the Prime Minister to all the toffs, writing in the Country Alliance magazine.

Cameron, who has killed loads of foxes by chasing them down on horseback with his posh pals, suggests that hunting is a countryside ‘way of life’, which should not be tampered with, despite the fact that the UK is traditionally a nation of animal lovers, and many people oppose hunting.

“Obviously it’s different when rich people do it,”

Said the Prime Minister.

“Poor people are all violent and murdery. I saw it on the telly. Chasing some poor, wild animal for miles and then letting some dogs rip it to pieces is completely different to illegal dog fighting. Apart from that it’s illegal at the moment. That’s really where the similarity ends. Getting an animal to rip another animal to pieces for the enjoyment of a baying mob, is completely and totally different when the upper classes and people with Swiss bank accounts and several properties abroad do it,”

“It is my firm belief that people should have the right to hunt. Because countryside. And tradition. And stuff. Just because a survey said 80% of the population think it’s a bloody awful thing to do in this day and age, doesn’t mean that it should be banned. For God’s sake, will somebody please think of the upper classes!”

The shadow environment secretary Maria Eagle has stated:

“Only Labour will protect the Hunting Act. Ten years ago the Labour party ended the cruel practice of hunting with dogs, because we believe that causing defenceless animals to suffer in the name of sport has no place in a civilised society,”

“Shut up you stupid cow,”

David Cameron is reported to have said. “It’s only a bloody fox. It’s probably friends with gypsys,”

Evangelical Meat-Eating Keyboard Warriors ‘Insecure Bullies With Small Willies’

A new study on people that type things like ‘Mmmm dead piggy sandwich, yum yum yum’ onto the status updates of Vegans on Facebook, and then justify it with claims that vegans are miserable control freaks with no friends that deserve to be casually abused on the Internet, suggests that they are ‘mostly lying’ about run-ins with pushy vegan Nazis trying to ban sausages for no reason.

“I’d go as far as to call them insecure bullies with small willies,” said the scientist that carried out the experiment. “There’s very little evidence to suggest that vegans are actually harassing meat eaters or even moaning at them very much at all. If posting pictures of cute animals and asking people to consider not eating them constitutes harassment, then my 12 year old niece must be public enemy number one,”

Participants in the study were asked to recount an occasion where they actually felt bullied or verbally put-down by a vegan, in relation to their own diet. To ensure an accurate result, they were hooked up to a Polygraph during the interview, and an electric shock was administered if the Polygraph detected a lie.

When a 45 year old plumber from Milton Keynes recounted a story about how he was harassed in a restaurant by a moany woman accusing him of being a murderer because he was eating a steak, he was shocked at a total of 11 times. He then changed his story to somebody at his table politely asking the waiter to make a vegetarian dish without cheese. Oh the humanity.

A 37 year old teacher from Lancaster began to talk about his ex girlfriend deliberately sabotaging his bacon sandwich by burning the bacon because she was a cray-cray bitch. He was shocked a total of four times, before admitting that she’d never cooked it before, and it was nice of her to cook him some bacon even though she didn’t really like the smell.

When the results were processed, it was clear that only a small percentage of encounters with vegans were hostile or preachy, and only a minority of people with a vegan diet were annoying loonies.  The study concluded that these people would be annoying loonies anyway, even if being a vegan didn’t exist.

The findings showed a striking gender bias towards male meat eaters making cock-wombley comments like “Get a bacon sandwich down you love!” towards female vegans, although male vegans were targets too.

“This is not really about enjoying a nice sausage sandwich, or actually feeling persecuted by people that love animals,”

Said a spokesperson for the team of nutritionists that carried out the study.

“It’s really more about feeling a bit insecure about your own masculinity and saying nasty stuff to girls on the Internet. Telling everybody on Facebook that you regularly eat steak is supposed to give them the impression that you’re a bit of a cave man and a loveable rogue, who can definitely sustain an erection. And you get to put a girl down with your best attempt at half-baked wit, thus ensuring she blocks you and you don’t accidently message her a picture of your tiny, flaccid penis at half four on a Saturday night when you’re plastered,”

“But for fuck’s sake, let’s get real. You didn’t chase that steak around the Savannah yourself and stick a spear in it. Your wife bought it from Sainsburys. Nil cave man points for you, fucko,”

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