animal lover – The Beezly Street Gazette

Your Dog Loves You A Super Creepy Amount

A recent study suggests that dogs love their owners in a way that would be “super creepy” if they were humans.

Dolly, a King Charles spaniel from Milton Keynes said:

“I love my owner Susan so much, I literally want to be surgically grafted onto her back, so that I can lick her ice-creams over her shoulder. Nothing short of a full, medical operation to turn us into Siamese Twins will ever sate the ocean of obsessive love I feel for Susan,”

Rocky, a 4 year old Staffy from Cardiff said:

“I lick my owner Brian’s arm every day, because ingesting his dead skin cells and salt from his beautiful arm makes me feel closer to him. The only reason I have not dragged his girlfriend in front of a bus, is because I just can’t bear to see him upset,”

91% of dogs said that had scrolled through their owner’s ‘phones to see who they had been talking to. 57% had considered secretly bumping off other pets or partners in a fit of jealousy, and 33% admitted that their favourite song was the ballad “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith, as it reminded them of the night their owner fell asleep on the sofa, and they just stared at them the entire time they were sleeping.

‘Wasps Can Still F*** Off’ Claim Animal Lovers

Britain is famously a nation of animal lovers, and numbers of vegetarians, vegans and anti cruelty supporters are growing. But wasps can still f*** right off, according to many animal loving Brits.

Margaret Otter, who runs a sanctuary for abandoned pets, including turtles, tarantulas and lizards said;

“I’ve got a special spray that I use to kill them, and then I watch them die, and then I chop off their head with a plastic picnic knife, pop it on a cocktail stick and stand it by the gate as a warning to other wasps,”

A hunt saboteur from Hampshire said;

“I love all animals apart from wasps. If one flew near me while I was reading, I would definitely twat it with the book, even if it meant getting a bit of wasp juice on the book,”

Martin Carrot, a vegan since the 1960’s said:

“Hey come on. It’s wasps we’re talking about here, not butterflies or bees. It’s like they deliberately pick on you when you’re innocently going about your business. I wouldn’t kill or eat one, but I’ve got absolutely no sympathy for them,”

Reasons for disliking wasps varied, and included “hanging around and being annoying when you’re trying to make jam” and “building nests in the eaves of your house”. But “stinging people for no good reason,” and “well, they’re just bastards aren’t they?” were two of the most popular reasons for disliking wasps.

“I’m against animal testing,”

Said an animal rights protester in Manchester.

“But if someone poured shampoo into a wasp’s eye and made it smoke tobacco, I probably wouldn’t give a shit,”