Kellogg’s Frosties ‘Just Cornflakes For People That Can’t Face Reality’

A new study has shown that the sugar-encrusted breakfast cereal known as ‘Frosties’ are really just cornflakes for people that haven’t quite clicked on what being an adult involves.


A scientist that took part in the 12 month study found that over 18’s that regularly ate Frosties rather than boring cereals like cornflakes, wheat flakes or sugar-free muesli, were less uptight, and said “Oh shit!” approximately 71% more in their daily lives.

“We found that people that ate Frosties were more likely to forget things, go shopping for essential staples & return home with a new hat and a packet of biscuits instead, and smoke a big fat joint on a Friday evening instead of hitting the gym,”

Said the scientist. She maintained that Frostie eaters were able to perform all functions expected of a grown-up, but that sometimes they just forgot or couldn’t be arsed.

“People that eat sugar-free cereal, especially those that decorate their Weetabix with bits of banana and eat them with natural yogurt, are the type of fully functioning adult our parents and teachers hope we will grow up to be. You’ll find them in B&Q of a weekend, choosing new plants or shopping for light bulbs. Conversely, those that regularly eat Frosties haven’t quite faced the grim reality that they are now adults, and that the rest of their life is a quick yet monotonous hamster wheel that stops only for the Grim Reaper. Therefore, they are a lot more fun at parties,”

Porn Star Outed As Ukip Candidate

“I’ll never be able to look at his wrinkly old balls bouncing back and forth in the same way again,”

The words of one former fan of veteran porn baron Johnny Rockard from Bristol, after was outed as ‘John Langley’, parliamentary candidate for Ukip.


“It just makes me feel so dirty,”

Said another fan on Twitter.

After it was revealed that porn star Jonny Rockard was in fact Ukip parliamentary candidate ‘John Langley’, a senior porn official has stated that the industry is “proud” to represent people, whatever they do in their private lives – but that Rockard’s other career might compromise his movies.

“After all, we make a living sticking things up people’s bottoms, and we’re as diverse and bisexual as they cum, so we’re not really in a position to judge anyone. Unlike Ukip, we’re accepting of everybody. We’re very disappointed in Johnny, as this is all a bit distasteful and sordid. He’s going to have to have a long, hard, throbbing think about his future in this industry,”

Popular porn actress Busty McGuire has hit out at the revelation, saying she is “disgusted” and calling for his resignation from the grot industry, saying:

“This is entirely inappropriate, and I think he should resign. Porn is truly one of the most diverse, supportive and accepting industries. We all understand what it’s like to be the targets of discrimination and hate because of who we are, and I am just appalled that somebody within our ranks has turned out to be a dirty old Ukipper,”