Grim Reaper Vows To Knock Off Some Unpopular Celebs For a Change

The Grim Reaper normally stays out of politics. But he has promised his Twitter fans that he will stop bumping off quite so many popular, funny and well-loved comedians, actors and media personalities in the months following the UK elections.

Nobody knows exactly why this has happened, as Death is notoriously fickle and unpredictable. But the move is welcomed by the public, and popular celebrities themselves.

“I’ve been shitting myself for ages,” said Irish comedian Dylan Moran. Iconic actress Joanna Lumley is reported to have said “Oh thank F*** for that!”

The hooded figure of death itself stopped short of apologizing for the overwhelming demise of popular and much-loved media personalities such as comedians Robin Williams and Rik Mayall, and author Terry Pratchett over the last 12 months, but did promise to knock off some unpopular and unfunny tossers instead. When asked if he meant Katie Hopkins, the dark angel replied:

“NO COMMENT,”

Death’s unpredictable roll of the dice and questionable sense of humour has attracted the attention of gamblers. Bookies are offering odds of 8-1 for the woman that put a cat in a wheelie bin on Youtube, while Jeremy Kyle is Betfair’s odds on favorite.

Living Saint Gwyneth Paltrow To Perform Holy Miracle With Food Stamps

Saintly kale-muncher Gwyneth Paltrow has graciously accepted a challenge to live for an entire week on a food stamp budget. Poor people everywhere are deeply touched by the multi-millionairess ‘having a go’ at being too poor to buy food, and have Tweeted their support to the actress.

The mother and health nut, whose poop is probably the most nutritious superfood on earth & can be eaten raw with a grapefruit spoon to cure baldness, tweeted a picture of a single loaf of bread and a dead fish, claiming that was her food for the week.

“I’ll take my knickers off and moon at the bread and the fish. The holy light issuing from my ass will ensure that there will always be enough bread and fish. I’ll serve it simply and humbly, with some lime and cilantro. I don’t know why poor people don’t just miracle their bread and fish, instead of stuffing themselves full of junk food. There would be plenty of money left over to buy limes and cilantro if everybody did this,”

Said the actress on her ‘Goop’ website, where she plans to make a huge deal of how you can live on food stamps for a week and still make delicious, healthy dishes at your leisure, in your gigantic farmhouse-style kitchen in your heated mansion, thus proving how stupid and lazy poor people are.

“She’s a living saint,”

Said the owner of a food bank in Manchester. “I am going to write to her and ask her for some recipes for Smart Price cornflakes, a small carton of skimmed UHT milk and a can of value beans,”

New Game Of Thrones To Contain 50% More Tits

The new season of the popular HBO fantasy series ‘Game of Thrones’ is to contain up to 50% more actresses’ tits.

The writers of the show said:

“Although this is one of the best written shows out there at the moment, it can get a bit dark sometimes. We really felt it needed a couple of extra pairs of breasts jiggling about in each episode, a few more lesbians licking each other’s faces, and a couple more minges. We haven’t decided whose yet,”

The writing team on Game of Thrones are quick to point out that much of the nudity and sex featured in the show is integral to the plot.

“These are pertinent tits that help drive the story forward. Without the actresses’ tits, it would just be a load of really good looking people wandering about on the first day of Glastonbury. By increasing the titty-count on the show and putting more horny lesbian prostitutes in, we can add to the drama and suspense of the show as a whole,”

Michelle Rodriguez To Have Foot Surgically Removed From Mouth

The high-profile action movie actress Michelle Rodriguez today suffered a serious, but not career-threatening accident.

 

The ‘Fast & Furious’ actress was leaving a restaurant in L.A., when she was asked if rumours of her playing the character ‘Green Lantern’ were true.

It was then that she slid over on a comedy banana skin left outside the restaurant and took a serious tumble, with her left foot ending up stuck in her mouth.

Because the actresses’ mouth had a designer shoe in it, as well as her whole foot, she didn’t get around to answering the question, with something like:

‘That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. I think it’s so stupid, because of this whole “minorities in Hollywood” thing. It’s so stupid, stop stealing all the white people’s superheroes. Like, make up your own.’

And narrowly avoided offending a metric shit-tonne of people, and having to publically explain and apologize.

The operation to remove Rodriguez’s foot from her cake-hole is scheduled for Monday morning.

Gwyneth Paltrow Feasts On The Souls Of The Undead

Skinny Star Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed the secrets of her enviable figure on her lifestyle webazine ‘Goop’ – and it’s a load of hot air!  We’ve got a mate at the News Of The World, so we hacked into her email and retrieved her daily menu.

“It’s all about eating air, mist, vapours, ethereal substances and the souls of the undead, stuff like that. I don’t do that crazy, unhealthy stuff like skipping meals. And at the weekends, I just eat normally like a regular, all-American, macrobiotic, low carb, vegan gal,”

The most controversial part of the diet is the consumption of lost and wandering souls that are trapped between earth and the afterlife, unable to move on.

“Strictly speaking, I’m a Vegan, so that part was hard to get my head around. But they are ethically summoned by a fully qualified Witch Doctor and naturopath, and I truly believe they are going to a better place once they pass through my digestive system,”

Sample menu:

Breakfast

Donuts for breakfast is my idea of heaven. But what I do is I only eat the hole in the middle, and I throw the donut away, because it’s just empty calories.

Lunch

Lunch is often steam, which I flavour with herbs and spices before inhaling. I use a beautiful, ritual cloth made by Native American shamans to trap the steam between my head and the bowl, and I just inhale it while visualising a mandala made of healthy, pink colons.

Dinner

I’m starting to conjure up my own lost and wandering souls now, which I found difficult to do at first. You have to spend several days in prayer in a sweat lodge and light a lot of candles at first. So once I’ve commanded the unhappy spirit to a magical circle, I then force it into a vessel of brass – my Allessi fish poacher! I then cook the pathetic wretch until it’s a tiny blob of jellied ectoplasm, which I eat with kale or quinoa porridge.

Treats

I try to keep treats to a minimum, as I find my children, regular meditation and my fabulous career more fulfilling than stuffing my face with Oreos. Once in a while though, if I’m feeling naughty, I’ll treat myself to a slice of buttered ghost.

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