Grim Reaper Vows To Knock Off Some Unpopular Celebs For a Change

The Grim Reaper normally stays out of politics. But he has promised his Twitter fans that he will stop bumping off quite so many popular, funny and well-loved comedians, actors and media personalities in the months following the UK elections.

grim reaper

Nobody knows exactly why this has happened, as Death is notoriously fickle and unpredictable. But the move is welcomed by the public, and popular celebrities themselves.

“I’ve been shitting myself for ages,” said Irish comedian Dylan Moran. Iconic actress Joanna Lumley is reported to have said “Oh thank F*** for that!”

The hooded figure of death itself stopped short of apologizing for the overwhelming demise of popular and much-loved media personalities such as comedians Robin Williams and Rik Mayall, and author Terry Pratchett over the last 12 months, but did promise to knock off some unpopular and unfunny tossers instead. When asked if he meant Katie Hopkins, the dark angel replied:


Death’s unpredictable roll of the dice and questionable sense of humour has attracted the attention of gamblers. Bookies are offering odds of 8-1 for the woman that put a cat in a wheelie bin on Youtube, while Jeremy Kyle is Betfair’s odds on favorite.

Chocolate Benedict Cumberbatch Renders Husbands Obsolete

Husbands are to be phased out and replaced with Benedict Cumberatches made out of chocolate, according to an official report.

chocolate man

Shoppers queued out of the doors at the Westgate shopping centre, and over three thousand chocolate husbands were pre-ordered.  The woman pictured bought one for her daughter as well.  She said:

“Well, they’re just a lot less hassle really aren’t they.  And he’s very handsome.  And he’s made of chocolate!  I can’t wait to get him home & nibble him all over,”

The solid chocolate effigies of Benedict Cumberbatch are less noisy and smelly than real men, do not fart in bed and make ideal companions for busy women.

The divorcee that created the original chocolate Benedict Cumberbatch claims that they are eleven million times less irritating than real men when you’ve got PMS.

“Let’s face it. Most of us want to poke our husbands in the eye at least once a month. But imagine if your husband not only didn’t do or say anything stupid to upset you…But he was actually made out of melted Galaxy bars AND he looked like Benedict Cumberbatch. It’s so simple, I can’t believe nobody has thought of this before,”

New Game Of Thrones To Contain 50% More Tits

The new season of the popular HBO fantasy series ‘Game of Thrones’ is to contain up to 50% more actresses’ tits.

game of thrones

The writers of the show said:

“Although this is one of the best written shows out there at the moment, it can get a bit dark sometimes. We really felt it needed a couple of extra pairs of breasts jiggling about in each episode, a few more lesbians licking each other’s faces, and a couple more minges. We haven’t decided whose yet,”

The writing team on Game of Thrones are quick to point out that much of the nudity and sex featured in the show is integral to the plot.

“These are pertinent tits that help drive the story forward. Without the actresses’ tits, it would just be a load of really good looking people wandering about on the first day of Glastonbury. By increasing the titty-count on the show and putting more horny lesbian prostitutes in, we can add to the drama and suspense of the show as a whole,”

Benadryl Cucumber In Shock Over Name Ban

In a bid to encourage creativity in adults, the Arts Council has implemented a media-wide ban on pronouncing the name of the popular actor and star of ‘Sherlock’, Cumberdick Benderbatch.


A spokesperson for the Arts Council said:

“Word games and riddles are shown to promote creativity and stimulate the brain. By forcing broadcasters and journalists to come up with alternatives for popular words and phrases, and making the public work out what they mean, we’re increasing the creativity of the nation by around 16%, with no need to take any dreadful pottery classes, or help fill the already overstuffed coffers of happy-go-lucky Tory Kirstie Allsop.

“When we ran several thousand Internet sites, magazines and newspapers through our computers, the most used phrase, word or saying of 2014 was the name of the popular TV star, Eggsbenedict Cucumberpatch,”

With the ban on pronouncing Burgervan Countertop correctly in force from midnight, it has been left up to the press how best to pronounce Genuflect Crucifix. The actor himself is said to be “astonished” by the ban, adding:

“I don’t know why my name has been picked out of the hat. There is nothing wrong with the name Birkenstock Cummerbund. My grandfather and his father were both called Benny Hill’s Cadaver, and I see nothing funny about the name at all,”