Sentences To Be Replaced With Hashtags

Complete sentences could be obsolete by as early as 2025. The English language is becoming less about communicating complicated ideas, and more about impressing strangers with the posh thing what you have just brought from a shop.

Doctor Phillip Beardnerd, a social media linguist said:

“It’s really two long term trends merging together. People are communicating with minimal words on Twitter and via text message. There’s also the deep need to share every single inane waking thought with loads of other idiots which is probably the result of not being smacked enough as a child. And this is spilling over in the way that we talk.”

“For example, the phrase ‘would you like a cup of tea?’ will sound positively Shakespearian in the year 2030. What you would say in the year 2030 would be “#tea #brew #mmmm #mug #nofiilter’ and the reply would sound something like #tea #nosugar #soya #eatclean #crossfit #paelo’”

Everyday phrases such as “I’m just off to work” will become “#OMG #lovemyjob #traffic #busy’, and going to the toilet would be “#hellyeah #massivedump #reallylongpiss #betteroutthanin #paelo’”

Chocolate Benedict Cumberbatch Renders Husbands Obsolete

Husbands are to be phased out and replaced with Benedict Cumberatches made out of chocolate, according to an official report.

Shoppers queued out of the doors at the Westgate shopping centre, and over three thousand chocolate husbands were pre-ordered.  The woman pictured bought one for her daughter as well.  She said:

“Well, they’re just a lot less hassle really aren’t they.  And he’s very handsome.  And he’s made of chocolate!  I can’t wait to get him home & nibble him all over,”

The solid chocolate effigies of Benedict Cumberbatch are less noisy and smelly than real men, do not fart in bed and make ideal companions for busy women.

The divorcee that created the original chocolate Benedict Cumberbatch claims that they are eleven million times less irritating than real men when you’ve got PMS.

“Let’s face it. Most of us want to poke our husbands in the eye at least once a month. But imagine if your husband not only didn’t do or say anything stupid to upset you…But he was actually made out of melted Galaxy bars AND he looked like Benedict Cumberbatch. It’s so simple, I can’t believe nobody has thought of this before,”

Rent Expenses MP’s ‘Sent To Hippy Commune’

The forty-six MPs that claimed expenses on rent and hotels, despite having tax payer funded homes in London, are to be sent to a commune & forced to sleep in bunk beds.

MPs wil be greeted by the farm’s ‘Chicken of Judgment’, which will determine their duties during their stay.

Channel 4 news discovered that many MPs were letting out their second homes, and claiming up £20000 a year for rent, or £150 a night for hotels.

The Watchdog for MPs expenses said in a statement:

“Right! That’s it! We’re sending them all to a place called “Happy Home Farm” in the Cotswolds for a month. They can bloody well get up at dawn to feed the chickens after sleeping in uncomfortable bunk beds in draughty yurts, shovel some muck about and spend some time meditating on the nature of ‘Taking The Piss’ when it comes to tax payers money,”

The farm, a commune since 1997, houses many protesters and off-grid travellers, who spend much of their time working and living communally, farming and creating organic vegan knitwear for sale in Selfridges.

“This is fantastic news,”

Said a spokesperson for the commune named Frog.

“They’ll have to pull their weight though. We’ve got lots of lovely organic shit to shovel onto the potato field, and a new drystone wall to build, and we could really use 46 pairs of extra hands right now. We’ve got some spare yurts, and they can always bunk up in the cow shed if there isn’t enough room. We’ll feed them of course, but they’ll have to hurry up and finish all their jobs on time, or there’ll be nothing left,”

None of the MPs available for comment were satisfied with the decision. One unnamed MP was in floods of tears, as he has a phobia of cows and doesn’t want to “sleep in a lumpy bunk bed with a load of smelly hippies”

Frog added:

They’ll all be made very welcome in our 21st century commune, and we hope they’ll enjoy the experience and learn a little about the experience of sharing, and of helping your fellow humans. Apart from the one that said we were smelly hippies. I’ve got a special job for him, and it definitely involves a silage tank.

Five Horrifying Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex

Girls, you’re doing sex ALL WRONG! There are lots of ways that your body is terrifying and disgusting. Follow our 5 step guide to avoid accidently grossing out the man that really likes you and wants to have sex with you.

Farting in his mouth

It’s easy to get carried away during the heat of the moment. But ladies, nice girls don’t hover over their guy while they’re dozing and then fart in his mouth, and then pull the covers over his head and yell “DUTCH OVEN!”

Pretending to be Mr. T from the A-Team

Growling “I ain’t getting on no dick, you crazy fool”, referring to his penis as “Murdoch” and shouting “Quit your jibber-jabber!” whenever he starts to moan is a passion killer, for all but the most ardent A-Team fans.

Getting your Mum to watch

Sure, a sweeping statement like “All guys would like a threesome better than they’d like sex with just you” is a great thing to bear in mind. But even if you really, really love your mum, don’t bring her into the bedroom. That’s just weird.

Not wearing special knickers

Sure, you may both be horny as hell. But take a moment to pop to the store first, ask the assistant what she thinks would turn your boyfriend on, try it on and then take it home with you. You can surprise him by unwrapping them delicately with your teeth. There’s nothing men hate more than girls that literally rip their knickers off by the crotch and throw them against the wall, screaming “Oh my god, I’m gushing like a Butlins water slide, shag me now before I spontaneously combust in a cloud of boiling hot fanny-lava, you effing sexy gorilla of a man”

Treating Cosmo sex tips as anything other than satire

About once a year, Cosmopolitan magazine will tell you to stick your finger, an ice lolly or an unlubricated vintage oboe up a guy’s ass, right in the middle of sex without asking him first. This is just the editor pissing about, and not a real sex tip. How would you like it if he suddenly jabbed his big toe up your jacksie & then whined at you that girls were supposed to like it? Trolling level = Ninja. Don’t try this one at home.

If you’ve run out of kittens on the Internet, and you need more advice to fill up your fluffy little female head, never fear!  Here’s an arbitrary list of 10 Things Girls Over 30 Shouldn’t Wear.

Obese Dashund Dennis Exerts Own Gravitational Pull

A 6 year old miniature Dashund named Dennis has been given a new lease of life, now that his body mass no longer attracts smaller obese dogs to orbit around him.

Dashund Dennis, pictured with his own moon in orbit around him.

Dennis had been fed on junk food, and had grown so large that several smaller fat dogs were constantly rotating around his gigantic belly. As he slimmed down, the smaller chubby hounds were able to break free of his gravitational pull and lead a normal life.

“He used to go for a ‘walk’ on a trailer pulled by a tractor,”

Said his new owner.

“One day a really fat pug rose several inches from the ground and floated over to him like a ghost. Then it started to slowly rotate around his stomach like the moon does around the earth. Their leads got all tangled up, it was very embarrassing,”

More obese dogs followed, and soon Dennis was the epicentre of his own lardy dog universe.

“Dogs need to be able to run about and do gross dog things, like rolling in poo and chewing bin bags and collecting unhygienic objects like discarded underpants. He couldn’t do any of that when he was obese. He was like a sort of dog Buddha. But not a very happy one,”

Dog obesity is a growing problem and can cause health problems.

“I’d recommend you feed your dog on proper dog food, rather than pizzas and lard sandwiches. Dogs want attention, exercise & sticks, not their own laws of physics,”

Ebola Facial For Kim Kardashian

Celebs are flocking to an upmarket London salon screaming, “Take my money, just goddamn take it!” and “I’m famous, do I get a free one?” to take advantage of a controversial new anti-aging treatment. But Kim Kardashian got her sticky celeb dibs in there first, after threatening the staff with Kanye’s poetry.

Dubbed the ‘Ebola Facial’, the treatment promises ‘Full Rejuvenation’ of the face and neck. The creator of the pioneering new treatment said:

“There is some vomiting and a fever, but very little internal bleeding. Ebola gets a rough ride in the press, but celebrities would inject liquidised dog shit into their faces with a rusty needle if they thought it would make them pretty, and loads of people copy Trashy Kardashy, so obviously we’re going to make a mint out of this,”

Adding:

“When Madonna heard about it, she ordered 24 tubs of Ebola-infected bat dung for her entourage,”

The treatment was pioneered by Oxford student Sophie Fulham-Wexley. During the inventor’s gap year, she helped out at an orphanage for terminally ill children in Africa, where many of the children and young teenagers had contracted Ebola.

“I was out there photographing the terminally ill children for my Instagram account. You know, to raise awareness. I was so astonished at how youthful the children looked, I left the orphanage and flew home straight away. After negotiating a grant from my Father’s pharmaceutical business, I developed a way to turn Ebola into a luxury facial.

Proper doctors everywhere have universally condemned the practise of rubbing Ebola-infected bat faeces onto the face and neck. But the ones that flog homeopathic medicine and magic rocks are jumping up and down, and rubbing their hands together with glee.

“We can’t wait to start selling Ebola ‘cures’ to these absolute idiots,” said a Knightsbridge crystal healer and pet therapist. “I’ve already booked a holiday in the Bahamas,”

‘Moths Are Shit’ Claims New Study

A new study claims that moths are ‘simply shit’ and wonders how they even lasted this long.

“They taste nice to predators, they can’t fight, and in terms of food, they’re basically a flying banana in a Missoni dress,”

Said a scientist working on the 40 million dollar study into moth behaviour.

“They’re the only animals in the world that mistakes a bathroom light bulb for the moon, and thinks ‘Whoo hoo, I’m going to head-butt the moon,’”

“Any animal whose main food group is old dinner jackets from the 1970’s should really be extinct by now,”

He added.

The mystery of why moths have survived for millions of years, when they’re clearly the equivalent of flying sushi for many predators, has remained a mystery despite the extensive study.

Some moths have elaborate and completely unconvincing disguises. The leopard moth for example, mimics the pattern of a leopard on its wings, and sits in trees pretending to be a leopard. The main problem with this disguise is that it is actually a moth, and looks and smells absolutely bugger-all like a leopard. Nevertheless, the species has survived for millions of years.

It is thought that predators might just simply piss themselves laughing and fall out of the tree, when they encounter a moth pretending to be a ferocious, predatory cat.

Another, more familiar moth defence mechanism involves having two huge, fake eyes imprinted on to the wings. When the moth flies away from danger, the big, staring eyes are designed to intimidate the predator.

As wide, staring eyes are the animal equivalent of “I’m ready to fuck over everyone in a ten mile radius and I’ve got big teeth, so bend over and kiss your ass goodbye,” it seems unfair for moths to employ them.

“In a predatory situation, this is like being in a bar fight and saying ‘STFU because here’s my Uzi,’ and then producing a water pistol, and quoting an amusing line from the sitcom ‘Friends’. In other words, it’s guaranteed to get you fucked up, unless you are a moth. We still don’t know how this works, and whether it’s anything to do with predators simply laughing themselves silly, while the moth flies off to find a flower or some rotting fruit to sit on,”

Said the scientist.

“All the evidence points to moths being really, really crap and incredibly lucky. We just don’t know what else to make of it,”

Naked Sacrificial Victim Escapes From Buckingham Palace

Camera ‘phone footage of a naked man climbing out of a window in Buckingham palace has gone viral on Facebook and Twitter.

 

The Video, taken by tourists outside the Queen’s royal residence in London, shows a naked man climb down a bed sheet that is hanging out of the window, and fall several feet to a rooftop below, where he disappears out of sight.

A statement from the palace has been issued, claiming that the man was “Merely a sacrifice for Her Majesty, having shape-shifted into a giant reptile that morning,”

The man was in the middle of being prepared for Her Majesty’s lunch, when he climbed out of the window in a desperate bid to avoid being eaten alive toes-first by Her Royal Highness in her natural state as a ten foot tall Annuki Lizard.

It is unusual for Her Majesty to eat fully grown humans, as they are all stringy and taste like Smartprice ham. The victim is thought to be a rare or special human, possibly a virgin or a descendant of Mary Magdalene. He was re-captured by footmen shortly afterwards and re-prepared for sacrifice.

Breaking news just in – Simpsons writer admits to “heavy involvement” with CERN and 9/11

Spock Returns To Mother Ship

Beloved extra-terrestrial Captain Spock has been beamed up to the Mothership one last time, and taken home.

After saying his farewells to earthlings via Twitter, the stoic Vulcan saluted, and the corners of his mouth raised up slightly as he waved goodbye, before peacefully fading away in front of the eyes of fans.

Beginning his career on earth in 1964 as the science officer in the pilot that would become ‘Star Trek’ as we know it today, the native Vulcan carved a place in the hearts of TV and movie fans worldwide.

“It is logical for me to go home now,”

Spock is reported to have said before he began his journey. He now begins the epic trip, not to “Where no man has gone before,” but to “From whence no traveller has yet returned,”

Greatly missed by countless fans here on earth, well-wishers are mourning his departure, and wishing him an interesting journey.

British Public Outraged At ISIS Art Murder

The British public are deeply annoyed about videos of ancient artefacts being smashed up.

 

“This whole nonsense has gone too far!”

Said Linda Monet, head curator at an expensive art gallery in London, in an uncharacteristic outburst.

“Fuck all the people being displaced and murdered, and robbed of their entire lives and homes and identities. These Luddite bastards bashed the head off of an ancient statue. I will be in therapy for weeks,”

Middle-class art fans are said to be in mourning for the ancient artefacts destroyed in the raids.

“I, for one, will never forget this art, and will hold a vigil for it on Shoreditch High Street for the next five years. I’m hoping to get funding for it,”

Said Suki Trustfund, head of ‘Anarchists For Art’

Youtube footage shows Islamic State Militants smashing up ancient statues that are worth billions of dollars.

“I have never been so sad,”

Said Linda Monet.

“Thousands of years worth of history, and implied ancient, ethnic wisdom that I am sort of in awe of and pretend to understand, simply smashed to pieces. This goes beyond any contemporary, human tragedy that is happening right now. This is an Art tragedy. I have started a campaign for a museum of the smashed treasures of Mousal. It’s probably going to be lottery funded.

 

 

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