Plants ‘Scream In Agony’ When Eaten

New research shows that vegetables and other plants “scream blue murder” as they are cooked or eaten. Although inaudible to the human ear, a special listening device placed on various vegetables turned the making of a simple salad into a “holocaust of horror”.

In a study on carrots, scientists found that carrots did not scream in a basket at the supermarket, or when placed into the salad shelf of a fridge. But according to researchers:

“The screaming began when the carrot was placed on a chopping board and peeled with a knife. And then all of the vegetables started screaming. It was like the front row of a One Direction concert. Disturbing stuff.

Said the scientist, who has since given up all fruits and vegetables, apart from ones he can sneak up on and quickly throw into boiling water “for a more humane death”.

“At least animals are dead when you eat them,” he added, shuddering.

Pandas Are Rubbish And Lack Ambition, Study Confirms

One of the most beloved and endangered animals in the world, the giant panda is in danger of dying out because “they’re just a bit rubbish really”, according to experts.

The giant panda is interesting to researchers for many reasons. One of the most unusual things about this animal is that its wrist bone has evolved into a rudimentary ‘thumb’, unlike most animals with paws. This gives it enormous dexterity compared with other bears and other animals.

Researchers used a computer simulation of several types to animal, to simulate what would happen if various other species of animal developed an opposable thumb. The simulation of a dolphin colony in the experiment developed their own musical instruments with shells and stones, while the domestic cats modelled in the experiment locked their owners out of the house and used the family laptop to order a kebab.

“However, when we gave the computer generated pandas larger, more powerful thumbs and greater dexterity, they simply went “Oh tar, I can pick up more bamboo now” and carried on sitting around and not having sex with each other,”

Said a researcher at a panda conservation site in China.

“While most species operate on a ‘survival of the fittest’ or at least a ‘ooh, better just watch meself a bit, might get eaten or summat’ mentality, as they struggle to feed themselves and procreate, the giant panda is simply not arsed about any of that stuff. They do occasionally eat other types of food if bamboo is not available, and they’ll get up and go for a walk, and occasionally have a shag if they can really be arsed, but apart from that, being a cute panda is their full time occupation. They’re like the Instagram Girls of the bear world,”

The development of panda Viagra and other methods that will allow pandas to procreate in greater numbers is being funded by campaigns worldwide.

“But it’s a jolly good thing they’re so bloody pretty and cute,”

Said the researcher.

“You don’t catch warthogs and blob fish sitting about looking all photogenic. They’d have gone extinct years ago if they had the same attitude as pandas,”

Disgusting Worm ‘Just Wants To Give You A Hug’

The mysterious pink worm that appears to vomit up wriggling tentacles onto a hand in a viral video “just wants to give you a cuddle” according to scientists.

“They’re very affectionate animals,” said doctor Brian Wriggleworth, a worm expert.

“The worm in the video was clearly just trying to give a heartfelt hug to whoever was holding it. Ejaculating its wriggling guts onto you is a sign of high esteem in the Ribbon Worm world,”

Ribbon worms are becoming more popular as pets, since Paris Hilton adopted one after her beloved dog passed away.

“They make ideal pets, and can be trained to fetch tiny objects such as thimbles & matches,”

Apple To Release I-Wasp In Time For Summer

We didn’t even know that we needed a remote-controlled glass wasp that could fly about and sting people, as well as store your contacts and download books from Kindle. But we sure do now.

Computer brand Apple has announced plans to launch their new bionic insect iWasp in time for this year’s festivals and barbeques.

With all the intuitive functionality you’d expect from an Apple product, the iWasp is a ‘stingable computing’ smartwasp type device that flies about inflicting painful stings on other users, and licks their lollies at the park or in the garden.

Features include voice activation, a choice of buzzing sounds, a retractable stinger, refillable venom sac and a moveable head. The iWasp can eat a variety of sugary substances, but prefers melted ice creams and fruit juice stains.

This year’s festivals are certainly going to be buzzing, as thousands of pre-orders have already been placed.

An excited Apple fan from Coventry said:

“I can’t wait the get the iWasp for the Download festival. Instead of spending the whole time looking at my ‘phone and taking pictures of things and putting them on Facebook, I’m going to be ordering my iWasp to sting people in the neck, and then filming their reaction and putting it on Twitter,”

Photo from http://www.cgtrader.com/3d-models/weapon-military/armor/robot-wasp

Men Demand ‘Hardon’ Collider

After a spelling error in a BBC science report, men everywhere are demanding a ‘Hardon’ collider be built in every major town and city.

“I don’t know exactly what it involves, but it sounds brilliant!”

Said a 21 year old student from Leeds, adding:

“I’m always looking for new things to stick my family jewels in, and that sounds sort of rough and exciting, and a bit futuristic. I’d imagine it would involve angry bionic supermodels with shiny metal breasts,”

A 57 year old pervert from Milton Keynes said:

“I don’t quite know what it is either, which surprised me somewhat, as I am well versed in most erotic delights. ‘Colliding’ sounds very sensual to me, and I hope there are some sexy lady scientists operating it, with glasses on and stockings under their white coats. Phwoar. I hope we get one in Milton Keynes,”

Opinions on how the device would operate are split. Some men insist that it would send their John Thomas into another dimension, where a sexy lady alien might rub a boob on it. Others suggest that it would simply vibrate a lot and jiggle around better than an angry washing machine in an empty laundry room.

A small proportion of men believe that a Hardon collider sounds like a sort of jousting competition in a futuristic metal bunker, and are already selecting their team colours.

A petition has been organised, and funds are already being raised for development of the device.

“We don’t know what the hell it is or what it does,”

Said men everywhere.

“But superconducting quadrupole electromagnets being used to direct the beams to four intersection points, where interactions between accelerated protons will take place sounds absolutely filthy!”

Misophonia – Why You Get Angry When You Hear People Chew

We’ve all witnessed somebody eating with their mouth open, and probably felt like punching them in the face because it’s disgusting. But what if this made you feel almost uncontrollable rage?

A new study into a condition called Misophonia, that causes sufferers to become extremely stabby when they hear people chewing, claims to have pinpointed the exact cause of the problem.

The disorder, that makes sufferers want to kick the sandwich out of the noisy eater’s hand and poke them in the eye with a cocktail stick, is described as a selective sound sensitivity disorder.

The scientist that carried out the new study, herself a sufferer of mild Misophonia said:

“We’ve been looking at this all wrong and treating it as if it something weird and strange, instead of a perfectly sane reaction to a grown-assed adult chomping crisps on the Tube like the back end of a bin lorry. For heaven’s sake, were you raised by wolves or something? Can’t you bloody well hear yourself? Nobody wants to see food going around in your mouth like cement in a mixer. If you put a microphone up to your grandmother’s vagina while she was doing star jumps, that’s exactly how you sound. Grown-assed human beings that eat with their mouths open should be executed by firing squad, or at the very least locked away from civilised society. We shouldn’t be inventing diseases to excuse them,”

Common trigger noises for a fit of Misophonic rage, during which the sufferer is torn between setting fire to the maker of the slurpy noise, and running away with their hands over their ears, can include slurping, licking and gargling. The scientist claims that the problem lies with the maker of the noise, not the Misophonia sufferer.

“It’s just disgusting. You wouldn’t just drop your trousers and take a dump on the table in a café, so why do we need to see your sandwich waving goodbye?”

The scientist has called for Misophonia research funding to be cancelled, and all grants to be directed towards the anti-social mouth-breathers that have failed to master the art of closing their kissers in public when they eat.

“I really feel that some kind of aversion therapy would be effective. Such as if it was legal to punch people in the face if they don’t remember to shut their cakehole when it’s full of fries, the dirty beggers,”

Trees To Give Off Wifi

Plans to re-plant areas of London previously cleared of trees, so that twats can sit in the sunshine listing to their I-Pods are already going ahead, after a new invention that allows trees to boost Wifi and mobile telephone signal was tested in the UK.

“Do twats give off a WiFi signal? No they don’t. You don’t get seven or eight tourists crowding around a twat, waving their Samsung Apple Thingymajig about and looking distraught. They’re a complete waste of space and a drain on the environment,”

Said an environmental technology expert.

The technology to enable trees to boost WiFi signals, which will be implanted into all UK tree seeds from 2018, will turn each tree into a sort of aerial for mobile technology. The company that developed the technology said:

“Trees are really the lungs of the planet, as well as being a vital part of the ecosystem of well, everywhere, from a back garden to a vast rainforest. But people keep cutting them down and setting fire to them. Or worse, turning them into those horrible, basic LACK tables from IKEA that cost seven quid. Nobody treats trees with any respect. But they totally would if they gave off WiFi.

“We’ve Got Enough Food Now Thanks’ Say GMO Protesters

The genetic modification of crops has been deemed unnecessary by the government following a report from people that don’t approve of white-coated witchcraft, and claims that everybody now has enough food.

A poster for the movie ‘Return Of The Killer Tomatoes’ – a bleak, dystopian GMO thriller.

“I’m a mother, and I’m happy with the organic selection on offer at my local supermarket,”

Said Linda Smug, an armchair nutritionist from London, who has an O Level in biology and runs an online forum for people that don’t like the idea of GMO food.

“I certainly don’t want to walk into Tesco and see tomatoes dancing around on legs, or bananas gasping for air on the floor, because they’ve been crossed with rainbow trout. We’ve got enough food now, and those companies are just being greedy,”

When it was pointed out that crops have been genetically modified by farmers for thousands of years, producing the oversized fruits and plump grains that we think of as normal today, Linda said:

“Harrumph! But would you eat a burger made from the offspring of a goat and a shark?”

And ran off crying.

Despite climate change playing havoc with ecosystems and crops in many countries, leading to mass starvation, illness and death of millions of people worldwide, protesters insist that GMO crops are part of a government plot to kill millions of people by feeding them food.

Martin Quinoa, who writes for health website Natural News said:

“It’s well known that Monsanto are in bed with Big Pharma, and that they want to wipe most of the population out. Mostly not us though, just people in other countries that can’t afford the latest Apple technology. Anyway, we’ve got more than enough food now, and we don’t want any new types. Everybody should just stop messing about with it,”

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