Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

Sex could be phased out and replaced with Crossfit as early as 2020, according to experts.

A Crossfit instructor from Milton Keynes is backing the new legislation, which would see amorous couples performing three rounds of 50 squats, seven muscle-ups and ten hang power cleans, instead of banging each other like a Salvation Army drum.

“Experiencing a Zen-like, Nirvanic pain in your chest after three rounds of burpees and then lying on the floor sobbing in a puddle of a stranger’s sweat is actually better and more effective than sex,”

He explained, while juggling kettleballs with his feet and making a kale and salmon smoothie.

“It’s not about saying no to sex. It’s about saying yes to fitness,”

Experts have pointed out that having several bouts of vigorous sex on a Sunday afternoon, in no way prepares you for rescuing a theoretical grandmother from a hypothetical burning building, or helps you to disarm a rogue grizzly bear that is trying to hold up an off-license with a sawn-off shotgun, and has taken a photogenic small child as a hostage and possibly a snack.

Police Replaced With Cardboard Figures Of Dixon Of Dock Green

The Home Secretary Theresa May has proposed that flesh and blood police officers directly affected by budget cuts, can be “supplemented and supported” by an army of cardboard cut outs of Dixson of Dock Green, with a mechanical swinging truncheon.

The pilot scheme, which saw life-sized cardboard coppers in the corners of shops to prevent shoplifting, has rendered actual police officers “almost obsolete”, according to people that aren’t currently cops, criminals or victims of crime.

The ‘PaperBobs’ as the media will be instructed to call the cardboard officers, to ensure that they sound friendly and reassuring, will patrol neighbourhoods on special caterpillar tracks at approximately 4mph. Pre-loaded with a variety of helpful phrases such as “ello ello ello” and “I hope you young scamps aren’t up to mischief”, they will be a “reassuring presence” and a “strong deterrent” to criminals, according to the Home Secretary.

The new scheme will “allow us to go further and tick more boxes, as once cannot fill in mountains of paperwork when one is climbing over the wall of a squat in pursuit of a violent drug dealer with a machete. It is perfectly possible to make savings without compromising the quality of neighbourhood policing. But only if all new recruits are made of cardboard and simply trundle about saying ‘evening all’ to old ladies,”

Tragic Washing Machine ‘Starved To Death’

A washing machine from Milton Keynes has starved to death after its owner used sock clips to prevent it from eating single socks.

The Hotpoint’s owner claims she had no idea that washing machines needed to consume single socks, and only clipped the socks together ‘to stop them from disappearing’.

The manufactures have warned the public about the dangers of clipping socks together, but it is not thought that sock clips will be banned altogether.

“We do not advocate the use of sock clips 100% of the time, as this prevents washing machines from eating one of your brightly coloured socks, leaving you with a single, useless sock that will live in your sock drawer for the rest of eternity. There have been several cases where washing machines have tragically starved to death after being denied the opportunity to eat socks. It is important to remember that socks are a natural part of a washing machine’s diet, and that sock clips can be dangerous when used in every wash,”

Jeremy Kyle ‘Still A Bellend’ Say Experts

Modern witch finder general Jeremy Kyle’s pertinent rollocking about male victims of domestic violence may be trending today, but experts are quick to point out that he remains one of Britain’s biggest bell ends.

Lord Joldemort issued the dressing-down during an episode of his popular daytime show. For readers not familiar with ‘The Jeremy Kyle Show’, it’s a sort of cross between a job centre waiting room on a Wednesday afternoon in Stoke-on-Trent, and a 17th century hanging. Populated mainly by cross-eyed peasants, whose ancestors may have mated with turnips at some point during the reign of Richard the Third, the show was inspired by medieval witch trials. Unfortunately both goats and other livestock as witnesses are not allowed due to health and safety concerns, and the traditional ducking stool has been replaced with a Polygraph test.

Jeremy Vile, as the British public affectionately knows him, acts as a kind of Papa Lazarus to the orgy of sex, lies and criminal dentistry that takes place on the stage, which is built over a deconsecrated plague pit, and said to be cursed.

Although Kyle’s tirade at the audience for laughing at a domestic violence incident was justified, say experts, they are also quick to point out that this in no way detracts from him being a humungous bell end.

“One of the biggest we’ve ever seen in fact,”

Said an expert.

“It’s rare that a bell end of such epic proportions survives into middle age, as barking “PUT SOMETHING ON THE END OF IT!” at volatile peasants after berating them for an an hour in front of a baying mob can be extremely dangerous. But this wily old wanker has not only thrived, but also managed to spawn. A magnificent specimen indeed. Britain’s biggest in fact,”

Vatican Warns ‘Satan Is Bumming You While You Do Yoga’

The Vatican’s chief exorcist has controversially stated that Yoga causes Satan to have bum sex with you.

Father Gabriel Amorth, who has carried out more then 70 000 exorcisms during his 25 years as the Vatican’s chief exorcist said:

“You see, when you practise Yoga, Satan is actually bumming you really hard and slapping your behind and calling you his little love-pumpkin. And all of his imps are sitting around giggling and smoking crack while they watch. Sometimes he even lets them have a go,”

“Yoga is the devil’s work, and whenever you do a yoga pose, you can be sure that Satan is grinding away behind you, and going ‘mmmmm, yeah, you like that don’t you?’ and spitting in your hair,”

Said the elderly priest, brandishing a crucifix and checking behind the curtains for masturbating demons.

“And Harry Potter, that’s evil as well. Satan personally rubs his big red widge on every page and sticks his tongue in your ear the whole time you are reading it,”

He added:

“Don’t come running to me when your head spins around and you start vomiting locusts. I did warn you,”

A spokesman for the worldwide Yoga association said:

“Oh no, not that bloody loony again. Look. We don’t slag off your religion, so leave ours alone, you weird old bigot. Satan does not have sex with you while you are doing yoga. End of,”

“Yes he does!”

Replied Father Amorth. “And then he wipes his knob on your curtains!”

Photograph from The Telegraph

Charlotte Church Threatens To Beat Prime Minister To Death With Katie Hopkins’s Arm

Welsh songstress Charlotte Church, who recently challenged Sun columnist Katie Hopkins to a charity boxing match, has now gone proper ape-shit and threatened to pull off Katie’s arm and chase the Prime Minister around Westminster with it.

“After I challenged her to a boxing match, I had a cup of tea and fag and thought about it. And then I realised I had to at least pull one of her arms off and beat Cameron to death with the sticky end,”

Said the singer, who shot to fame as an angelic classical singer.

“So I’m going to bang her lights out and then rip her bloody arms off, the moaning old Tory troll,”

“And when I’ve finished with her, I’m going to mash that smug prick Cameron in the face with the bloody end. That’ll teach him to be a lying little spoon faced weasel-shagger,”

The match is expected to raise nine trillion pounds for charity.

Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

Entire Country Smacked And Sent To Bed After Election

Everybody apart from Scotland is required to smack themselves on the bottom with a slipper and send themselves to bed with no tea, after this year’s election results.

 

Mum of three Norma Jones said she had thrown the nice lasagne and bottle of wine she was keeping for Friday in the bin, and was planning on sending herself and her husband to bed at half past six with no Wifi or giggling.

Geography teacher Leonard Powell said “It’s not just everyone else I’ve let down. I’ve let myself down as well. I was going to pop to the pub tonight as it’s been a rough week, but I’m going to sit in my bedroom in the dark with no heating on and mark some homework by candlelight,”

Anybody caught out on the street after half past six this evening will be made to copy out David Cameron’s autobiography in their neatest handwriting, and then throw it in the bin.

Porn Star Outed As Ukip Candidate

“I’ll never be able to look at his wrinkly old balls bouncing back and forth in the same way again,”

The words of one former fan of veteran porn baron Johnny Rockard from Bristol, after was outed as ‘John Langley’, parliamentary candidate for Ukip.

“It just makes me feel so dirty,”

Said another fan on Twitter.

After it was revealed that porn star Jonny Rockard was in fact Ukip parliamentary candidate ‘John Langley’, a senior porn official has stated that the industry is “proud” to represent people, whatever they do in their private lives – but that Rockard’s other career might compromise his movies.

“After all, we make a living sticking things up people’s bottoms, and we’re as diverse and bisexual as they cum, so we’re not really in a position to judge anyone. Unlike Ukip, we’re accepting of everybody. We’re very disappointed in Johnny, as this is all a bit distasteful and sordid. He’s going to have to have a long, hard, throbbing think about his future in this industry,”

Popular porn actress Busty McGuire has hit out at the revelation, saying she is “disgusted” and calling for his resignation from the grot industry, saying:

“This is entirely inappropriate, and I think he should resign. Porn is truly one of the most diverse, supportive and accepting industries. We all understand what it’s like to be the targets of discrimination and hate because of who we are, and I am just appalled that somebody within our ranks has turned out to be a dirty old Ukipper,”

Survey Shows British Public Chatting Shit Again

A survey from the Royal Statistical society and King’s Collage Oxford has revealed that the British public are talking out of their arses again. This is due to a combination of government ministers bullshitting like mechanical muckspreaders, the press talking even more bollocks than usual, and the belief that we’re all rather astute and political, and would never climb onto a shit-wagon if some tosspot in a Saville Row suit told us it was a shiny new Rolls Royce.

The Executive Director of the company that carried out the telephone survey said:

“Sadly, we as a nation have only slightly more of an idea about the statistics on crime, benefits and immigration, as a 14th Century professional hermit would have about the mating rituals of the coconut crab. We’re like a nation of David Camerons trying to eat a foot long hot dog with chopsticks. Some of these findings are seriously mental, and many of us have got it all worryingly arse-about-face,”

We’ve got a pretty feverish imagination when it comes to how much unprotected sex British teenagers are having. According to the public, 15% of teenage girls are up the duff by 16. If this were true, the Arcadia group aren’t ones to miss a trick, and Topshop would be doing a roaring trade in neon purple PVC maternity wear and 5 inch heels that stretch when your feet swell up. But the official figure is closer to 0.6%, meaning our teenagers are almost fifteen times more responsible than the public thinks they are, even if they do wear stupid clothes and listen to crap music.

Another major misconception is benefit fraud, with the public estimating it to be £24 in every £100. This is thought to be due to government propaganda portraying benefit recipients as a cross between Dickensian criminal Bill Sykes, and the top ten most hated guests on the Jeremy Kyle show. Or maybe they just saw loads of people on crutches that day, and deduced that some of them must be trying it on. But the official figure is just 70p in the pound.

13% of the population are recent immigrants, coming over here and taking our women and forcing us at bomb-point to eat Halal Subway sandwiches. This figure includes illegal immigrants, but it also covers people that drive taxis and work in offices and hospitals and pay taxes, the cheeky sods. Compared with the public’s estimate of 31%, we either all bumped into to the same family wedding party that day, or somebody has been painting the roses red.

Apparently our government spends more on foreign aid than it does on loads of other things. Or does it? The survey again found this to be a complete bag of dicks, and government aid does not appear in the top 3 of the countries’ expenditure, and comes in at 1.1%.

Finally, we spend 15 times more on pensions than on Jobseeker’s allowance.

“But try telling that to some Daily Mail-reading old dear sitting at home, rationing her Smart Price digestives,”

Said the Executive Director.

“Anybody would think we’d been deliberately mis-led,”

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