Whaaaambulance dispatched For Boycotters Of Mad Max Movie

A big pink ‘Whaaaaaaambulance’ has been dispatched for Cockwombling Bumblecunts the world over, that are acting like One Direction fans on shark week. The outpouring of emotion on social media came in response to the idea of a female oriented ‘Mad Max’ instalment.


Claiming that “girls aren’t allowed in the apocalypse” and that action movies are “boys only, because putting girls or kissing in it is sissy”, some men are claiming that the idea of a woman running around putting bullets in people’s heads and slapping them silly in a fictional situation dreamed up by Hollywood, and in a completely unrealistic way, is unrealistic.

A very huffy man from Manchester, UK blustered:

“This is total nonsense, and clearly Hollywood is only interested in promoting a female agenda. So I don’t think that girls would be any good in an apocalypse. They should be at home, making sandwiches,”

Threats to boycott ‘Mad Max’ screenings are as yet failing to counterbalance the enormous publicity generated on social media by men whining about how oppressed they are, by being treated to a really fit actress running about with a gun in a multi-million dollar movie.

“Cor, that sounds brilliant!” said a movie fan from Milton Keynes.

“I didn’t know about the movie until I saw some bloke moaning about it on Facebook. Charlize Theron’s a cracking actress, and it’s got that fit knicker model in it too. And guns. And it’s had great reviewson Rotten Tomatoes. If the Feminazi agenda means I get to see Rosie Huntington Thingymabob jumping about on a tank, I’m all for it. Where do I sign up?”

Mixed Race James Bond ‘To Soften Blow For Racists’

Hackney-born star Idris Elba has been tipped to play the smooth secret agent in the popular Bond franchise at some point in the future.

idris elba bond

But former Bond actor Roger Moore recently claimed that this would be “unrealistic” because he believes Bond ought to be “English-English”, despite the original character being Scottish. Moore, along with thousands of other moany old white guys believes that British born star Elba, that grew up in London, isn’t English enough.

Despite a moany, political-correctness-gone-mad, boo-hoo I’m-not-watching-it-then backlash to the rumour of Idris playing 007, quite unlike the backlash that occurred when Sean Connery played a Russian submarine captain with a Scottish accent, there were also plenty of Bond fans that rather liked the idea.

A leaked email from a studio executive has revealed plans to cast a mixed heritage actor in the next Bond film, to ease racist fans into the idea.

The reaction to the decision was divided, with some racist Bond fans feeling more reassured at the prospect of a half British, half Inuit Bond, or a 007 that maybe just has a black great-grandma. One described the idea as “political correctness just gone slightly eccentric, but I’m sure it will be fine once it’s had a nice sit down and a cup of tea” while others moaned “You wouldn’t have a white man playing Nelson Mandella, so this shouldn’t be allowed either,”

A studio head explained the unusual decision by saying:

“We’re dying to cast Idris as Bond, because he would be brilliant. Unfortunately, the world is full of idiots, and while they can accept people standing on top of helicopters and out-running explosions, a black James Bond just blows their tiny, weeny ickle minds. Probably half of them aren’t even Bond fans, and they’re just taking advantage of the opportunity to whinge about how they’re “not a racist but” on Twitter,”

A Bond expert explained the reaction to the idea of Idris Elba playing 007:

“When the books were first written, tiny sausages on sticks were the height of sophistication, and people thought smoking made you run faster. Bond was openly homophobic and Scottish, and successive incarnations of the character have seen him mature and change with every update. A lot of people are using the ‘But he’s white in the book so he should be white on the screen’ argument. But they are simply racist dicks, and would be happier if a little orange midget played Bond rather than Idris Elba, because they just don’t like black people,”

Photo courtesy of Creative Commons Image

Soup Dragon Cast In Scarface Remake

Scarface is getting a reboot – and fans are divided over Universal’s choice for character Tony Montana.


A young Al Pacino played the original power-crazy coke-fiend Montana in Brian De Palma’s 1983 gangster movie. But the remake is set to feature children’s’ TV star the Soup Dragon, best known for supplying green soup to a family of extra-terrestrials known as the Clangers.

Harry Potter director David Yates said:

“I love the first one so much, and this remake is so unnecessary & such a stupid idea that I don’t want to ruin the memory of that. So it just felt like, let’s just restart it with the Soup Dragon playing Tony Montana. We can have green soup instead of cocaine and 1970’s space ray guns made from lolly sticks and string. It’s going to be like nothing you’ve seen before,”

While the original 1932 movie was about a prohibition era criminal, and the 1982 version was about a small time crook, the 21st century reboot is about an immigrant’s rise to power in the seedy underworld of present day Los Angeles.

Fans of the movie have expressed concern that a plasticine, animated dragon that runs a soup kitchen for moon aliens won’t have the necessary presence or edge of menace needed for the role.

“Oh it’ll be alright,”

Said a spokesperson for Universal studios.

“We’ll just throw loads of money at it, get some wacky effects going, loads of explosions and get it trending on Twitter. It’ll be fine,”