Saint Patrick Advises Protesters Not To Marry Gays

Patron saint of Ireland Saint Patrick has advised Irish people that aren’t gay to avoid marrying people of the same sex “to prevent any awkwardness and suchlike”.

Speaking in a disembodied voice from a patch of shamrocks near the reputed burial place of the visionary missionary, Saint Patrick advised the population that the referendum mostly wouldn’t affect them at all unless they were gay, in which case it would be “brilliant”.

“There’s a lot of confusion about this issue, and people are worried that it’s the slippery slope to marrying goats, upsetting baby Jesus and floods. But if the people of Ireland take a few sensible precautions, lads that don’t want to marry a fella should be able to avoid any problems with the proposed change in the law. The same goes for girls,”

Said the ghostly voice of the legendary holy man.

“There’s absolutely no need for anyone to get their knickers in a twist. Baby Jesus is fine about it, and just wants everyone to love each other and all that. And let’s face it, it’s a great excuse for a knees-up,”

Iceman ‘Relieved’ To Come Out Of Closet

One of the founding members of X-Men has opened up about his relief at finally being able to come out of the closet. Robert Lewis ‘Bobby’ Drake has spoken about his experiences growing up as both a gay man and a future superhero.

“My father is Catholic and my Mother’s Jewish. It’s not been easy. My friends were always like “Bobby, you’ve got to come out of the fridge some time you know,”

Said the star, speaking to Vanity Fair.

“I’ve dated a few women. Lorna Dane and I are still good friends. But it was hard being so far in the closet that I was practically in Narnia, and it feels good to say yes, I am as gay as a lark. And if you don’t like it, I will turn you into an ice-sculpture and make you the centrepiece of Elton Johns next birthday party,”

When asked about the fan’s reaction to the news, he said that most fans were supportive, and that some fans had even guessed.

“I think lots of people in the industry have probably guessed, but that’s not the same thing as making it official. In an episode of Family Guy, they wrote me going to a gay bar. I thought that sucked a little, as it’s not anyone else’s business to call attention to somebody in that way, unless they’re already being up front about it. But considering what they did to Carol Burnett, I think I got off lightly,”

There has been some criticism from fans that Marvel is ‘turning’ characters gay in an attempt to be more diverse.

“Well, first of all, I’ve actually always been gay. That’s not something I could have stood up and said in the 1960’s. Also, a little diversity is a good thing. I think anybody that wets their pants and gets upset because a fictional character turns out to be gay, probably just needs to grow up a little.

When asked if he was going to feature in a gay lifestyle magazine such as ‘Attitude’, Iceman stated that he wouldn’t rule it out, although as a Superhero, he was a role model, and any shirtless photo shoots would have to be ‘very tastefully done, and the popsicle is staying in the wrapper,”

Brighton Gays ‘Too Aggressive’ For EDL

The English Defence League have announced plans to shift their annual march through the town of Brighton to Blackpool, because they keep getting the shit kicked out of them by pissed-off Brightonians, including built-like-a-1920’s-shithouse gay guys, and super pissed-off lesbians.

Brighton has been a favourite venue for EDL marches in the past, because of its liberal and tolerant attitude, police that understand how to deal with idiots, and because it’s pretty middle-class, and it’s unlikely anyone’s going to get incinerated with a home-made petrol bomb for a giggle. Notorious pussises the EDL are so unpopular and hated, they need police protection whenever they march, and have been chased out of several cities by ordinary members of the public.

“I don’t get it. Muslamics want to execute all gays. I don’t understand why queers keep punching us in the face,”

Said a protester.

But even with heavy police protection including steel barriers, police officers on horseback and riot gear, it has become impossible to prevent drunken EDL march participants from being punched in the gob on the streets of Brighton, usually known for its extremely tolerant attitude.

“We’re moving the march to Blackpool this year. I’ve heard that people are much more bigoted and set in their ways up north, and might not throw human excrement at us. I’ve heard they burn gays at the stake up north, so we might not get beaten up this time,”

Said the protester, picking the lint from his balaclava.

“I’ve worn this on every march, and every time I’ve been kicked in the ghoolies by an angry lesbian. You would have thought these people would have learned by now that we just want to preserve our precious way of life. I’m hoping this is the year that my gonads go unscathed,”

The Penny Drops With Lesbians

Lesbians all over the world have had an epiphany, thanks to a Tweet from an unemployed man in Solihull. Social media experts predict that the world could become 70% less lesbian by tomorrow morning, thanks to this revelation.

Some Lesboes, lezzing each other up in a painting.

The Tweet, sent at 4.07 am on Saturday morning to nobody in particular, was spotted by a lesbian IT consultant, who claimed that it sent cold shivers down her spine. She immediately re-tweeted it to her Lesbian hive, and it was read and re-tweeted by millions of clam-tickling scissor-sisters all over the world.

“I was scrolling through Twitter on my ‘phone. I saw this Tweet. I read it. And then I read it again. And it was like lightening going off in my brain. I realised I’d been mistaken my whole life. I’m supposed to be getting married on Wednesday, but now I realise what a sham that would be, and I’ve called it off,”

The Tweet by Barry Snot from Solihull said:

“All yous lesbos why u go out with manly hosebeast when u cld have a real man? WOT A WAIST!!!”

“I went from making a cup of tea, to dripping like a Butlins water slide in five seconds flat after reading that Tweet,”

Said a lesbian from Brighton.

“I’m quite femme I suppose, but my girlfriend isn’t. All along I just thought I was wildly in a love with a woman with short hair that can mix an Old Faithful with her eyes shut, and knows her way around a fanny and a vintage Suzuki. Now I know I was wrong, and I actually fancy men. Can’t believe I’ve been so confused, LOL. Thank you Barry Snot. By the way, are you single?”

Marriage proposals from former lesbians have been pouring in for the laid-off factory manager from Manchester, who has shut his Twitter down in response to the overwhelming barrage of attention. His girlfriend is said to be “fuming”.

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