Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts

A campaign has been launched to warn women of the potential dangers of the innocent sounding ‘Pixie Cut’.

A former sufferer of ‘Half Grown Out Pixie Syndrome’ warned of the dangerous buzz of an edgy new hairdo, followed by the terrible comedown of trying to grow the sodding thing out for 12 months if you get fed up of it.

“It’s bloody Emma Watson’s fault!”

Said Laura, a teaching assistant from Clapham.

“I was expecting a sort of cross between Princess Diana and a young Mia Farrow to be blinking back from the mirror like a new-born faun,”

“The magazines make out that it’s going to transform you into a sort of catastrophically alluring super-waif with eyes like a pair of headlamps on a rainy night in Soho. But now I look like me Dad in 1987. Bugger. I blame false advertising and Keira Knightley’s cheekbones,”

Her best friend disagrees, stating that it looks edgy and cool, it’s nice to change it up every once in a while, and ‘it’ll grow back’.

“I think there should be some kind of warning on pixie cuts, as the advertising is very misleading. I really liked it at first, and now I’m fed up with it and stuck with an annoying mullet for the next 8 months, while it grows into a sort of unflattering mushroomy bob that I will also secretly hate,”

Said Laura, pulling her hat down over her ears and grumbling like Lord Voldemort with a hangover.

“I’m a grown-assed woman reduced to wearing a pissing Alice band and stupid clips with flowers on them. Eff my life!”

Hairdressers and style gurus are quick to point out that many women with pixie cuts enjoy the freedom and the edgy style of a sharp crop. Some of the most iconic and inspirational women of modern times have sported short hairstyles.

“But what you’ve got to remember,”

Said a top hairdresser.

“Is that it’s almost impossible to predict whether you are going to strut down the street like Grace Jones for an entire month afterwards because it looks ace and you didn’t realise what a goddamned sexy neck you have. Or whether you’re going to sort of slink along in a stupid headband for the next 12 months, hoping that you don’t bump into your ex with his new girlfriend, because she’s got Kate Middleton hair and you look like you’re wig-sitting for Paul Daniels. There’s just no way to tell whether you’re going scream “Don’t lie! I look like Boris bloody Johnson!” at your friends when they try to tell you it looks nice,”

The campaign, backed by many former pixie cut fans, backs a proposed law that will stamp slogans like “This Looks Great On Carey Mulligan, But You’re Not Carey Mulligan” and “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow, Mullet For 12 Months”.

Whaaaambulance dispatched For Boycotters Of Mad Max Movie

A big pink ‘Whaaaaaaambulance’ has been dispatched for Cockwombling Bumblecunts the world over, that are acting like One Direction fans on shark week. The outpouring of emotion on social media came in response to the idea of a female oriented ‘Mad Max’ instalment.

Claiming that “girls aren’t allowed in the apocalypse” and that action movies are “boys only, because putting girls or kissing in it is sissy”, some men are claiming that the idea of a woman running around putting bullets in people’s heads and slapping them silly in a fictional situation dreamed up by Hollywood, and in a completely unrealistic way, is unrealistic.

A very huffy man from Manchester, UK blustered:

“This is total nonsense, and clearly Hollywood is only interested in promoting a female agenda. So I don’t think that girls would be any good in an apocalypse. They should be at home, making sandwiches,”

Threats to boycott ‘Mad Max’ screenings are as yet failing to counterbalance the enormous publicity generated on social media by men whining about how oppressed they are, by being treated to a really fit actress running about with a gun in a multi-million dollar movie.

“Cor, that sounds brilliant!” said a movie fan from Milton Keynes.

“I didn’t know about the movie until I saw some bloke moaning about it on Facebook. Charlize Theron’s a cracking actress, and it’s got that fit knicker model in it too. And guns. And it’s had great reviewson Rotten Tomatoes. If the Feminazi agenda means I get to see Rosie Huntington Thingymabob jumping about on a tank, I’m all for it. Where do I sign up?”

Vatican Warns ‘Satan Is Bumming You While You Do Yoga’

The Vatican’s chief exorcist has controversially stated that Yoga causes Satan to have bum sex with you.

Father Gabriel Amorth, who has carried out more then 70 000 exorcisms during his 25 years as the Vatican’s chief exorcist said:

“You see, when you practise Yoga, Satan is actually bumming you really hard and slapping your behind and calling you his little love-pumpkin. And all of his imps are sitting around giggling and smoking crack while they watch. Sometimes he even lets them have a go,”

“Yoga is the devil’s work, and whenever you do a yoga pose, you can be sure that Satan is grinding away behind you, and going ‘mmmmm, yeah, you like that don’t you?’ and spitting in your hair,”

Said the elderly priest, brandishing a crucifix and checking behind the curtains for masturbating demons.

“And Harry Potter, that’s evil as well. Satan personally rubs his big red widge on every page and sticks his tongue in your ear the whole time you are reading it,”

He added:

“Don’t come running to me when your head spins around and you start vomiting locusts. I did warn you,”

A spokesman for the worldwide Yoga association said:

“Oh no, not that bloody loony again. Look. We don’t slag off your religion, so leave ours alone, you weird old bigot. Satan does not have sex with you while you are doing yoga. End of,”

“Yes he does!”

Replied Father Amorth. “And then he wipes his knob on your curtains!”

Photograph from The Telegraph

‘Love, Honor And Puree’ – Woman Marries Nutribullet

A 35 year old woman from Leeds, UK has married her Nutribullet blender, after owning it for three days.

“I’ve never felt so fulfilled,”

Said the woman, after ditching her smoothie maker and juicer for the swanky ‘Magic Bullet’ blender that can pulverize carrots and even nuts.

“I’m obsessed with it. I can’t stop putting different types of food into it and turning them into pulp, and running around the house with a glass of mango and spirulina smoothie forcing people to look at the texture of it and drink it. It’s like being a crack addict, but ten times more annoying,”

The bride’s best friend said:

“If she mentions that sodding blender one more time, I’m going to stick it up her (censored). She hasn’t shut up about liquidating carrots and beetroot since she took it out of the box, which she probably liquidised with a handful of collard greens and drank. But I’m glad she’s happy,”

During the short ceremony, the happy couple promise to “love, honor and puree” and were showered with rose petals, which the Magic Bullet promptly turned into a nutritious paste that can be added to soup.

Tory ‘Rapture’ Scheduled For Wednesday. Unbelievers Eaten By Demons

The Conservative party have scheduled a ‘rapture’ on Wednesday afternoon, where the faithful will ascend to a new and purer Britain.

Opera singer Katherine Jenkins has been tipped to open proceedings with a rendition of ‘God Save The Queen’. In the new Utopia there will be no food banks, no hooded sweatshirts and no pesky immigrants arriving on boats, fleeing a regime that saw their whole family murdered in front of them. Daily Mail columnist Melanie Phillips has already been appointed Archbishop, and gays and lesbians are automatically excluded from the rapture, to ensure that the weather stays predictable and clement.

Everybody that voted for the Conservative party will literally leave the earth to meet their local MP in the air, and will be guided to a special version of the UK, where they can mix and breed with their own kind.

Those left behind on the day of the Rapture will be eaten by three headed dog-demons the size of ice cream vans, which will issue from Katie Hopkins’s big white Tory arse at half past three in the afternoon. There is no escape from the demons, and the public have been warned to not to even bother trying to run or hide from them.

Image from this website. LOL.

Your Dog Loves You A Super Creepy Amount

A recent study suggests that dogs love their owners in a way that would be “super creepy” if they were humans.

Dolly, a King Charles spaniel from Milton Keynes said:

“I love my owner Susan so much, I literally want to be surgically grafted onto her back, so that I can lick her ice-creams over her shoulder. Nothing short of a full, medical operation to turn us into Siamese Twins will ever sate the ocean of obsessive love I feel for Susan,”

Rocky, a 4 year old Staffy from Cardiff said:

“I lick my owner Brian’s arm every day, because ingesting his dead skin cells and salt from his beautiful arm makes me feel closer to him. The only reason I have not dragged his girlfriend in front of a bus, is because I just can’t bear to see him upset,”

91% of dogs said that had scrolled through their owner’s ‘phones to see who they had been talking to. 57% had considered secretly bumping off other pets or partners in a fit of jealousy, and 33% admitted that their favourite song was the ballad “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith, as it reminded them of the night their owner fell asleep on the sofa, and they just stared at them the entire time they were sleeping.

Taiwanese Dog Wins Rory McGrath Lookalike Competition

A dog from Taiwan has won the twenty-third international Rory McGrath lookalike competition.

The dog’s owner said:

“We are thrilled to have won. My dog has no idea that he resembles the 57 year old British comedian Rory McGrath, and even if he did understand, he probably wouldn’t care. But I am deeply honoured to accept the award on my dog’s behalf, and I have renamed him Rory and bought him a bone. He still has no idea what’s going on,”

The dog’s owner was unaware of the uncanny resemblance when she had its hair cut into the trendy ‘bubble’ shape, popular with fashionable pooches in Taiwan. A British tourist wanted her picture taken with the dog, who claimed that the dog reminded her of somebody off the telly, but she couldn’t think who.

“Everywhere I went, people were pointing at the dog and shouting ‘That dog reminds me of someone…beard…curly hair….on the telly….tip of me tongue…’ and things like that. So when I got home, I Googled British people with curly hair that are on TV, and immediately spotted Rory McGrath. After I’d finished laughing, I noticed that there was a competition. So I flew to the UK and entered Prince. He won the competition, and we are flying back today with a large ham, a case of ale, some Marks and Spencer’s vouchers and a signed photograph of Rory McGrath,”

Pensioner Causes Mucky Minded Pile Up Over Skirt

An elderly lady from Stone in Staffordshire caused a 15 person pile-up of dirty-minded members of the public in the market place today. An ambulance was called to treat bruises.

Pensioner Gladys Oatcake said she didn’t mean to cause the crush, and that she was only deciding which skirt to buy from a market stall.

“I was torn between the pink and the brown you see. I was chatting to the stallholder, and I mentioned that I really loved it in the pink, but wondered if I’d like it in the brown as well, just for a change,”

Gladys told the reporter, who spat out his coffee onto a passing Yorkshire terrier.

“He told me that the pink is roomier and I might find the brown a bit tight, but it would stretch after a while. And then he walked off as if he was going to cry. They looked the same size to me though,”

She added, clarifying that she had no idea what caused the pile-up, or why a passing builder started videoing her on his mobile ‘phone.

“My sister in law Sandra would prefer the brown, and any time she’s got a choice she’d go for the brown, whereas I’d probably be more comfortable with it in the pink. I wouldn’t even consider the brown normally, but Sandra suggested I try the brown as a change from pink, so that’s what I was wondering when people started videoing me on their ‘phones. I couldn’t understand what was going on,”

According to witnesses, a man on a nearby stall

“Cracked up laughing, got his ‘phone out and started videoing Gladys. But he wasn’t watching where he was going, and all of the other people listening to the conversation and sniggering managed to end up tripping over each other and ended up in a heap on the floor outside Superdrug,”

A video taken seconds before the human pile-up recorded Gladys telling the stallholder, who had covered his face with his scarf

“I could have it in the pink and the brown I supposed. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll take it in the pink and the brown please, and then I can always change my mind if it’s too tight. Or Sandra can have it in the brown instead. It’ll be a nice surprise for her,”

The video footage captured the beginning of the pile-up, as a passing mum of two walked into a lamppost in hysterics, and several people tripped over her trying to listen to the conversation.

When questioned, Gladys maintains that she has no idea why everybody was listening to her trying to buy a skirt. When it was suggested that there might have been another meaning to her conversation with the stallholder, Gladys said:

“Oh no! There was nothing mucky about it. I was only deciding which skirt to buy. You shouldn’t do things like that anyway. A friend of mine did that years ago, and she shat herself in Homebase,”

Men Demand ‘Hardon’ Collider

After a spelling error in a BBC science report, men everywhere are demanding a ‘Hardon’ collider be built in every major town and city.

“I don’t know exactly what it involves, but it sounds brilliant!”

Said a 21 year old student from Leeds, adding:

“I’m always looking for new things to stick my family jewels in, and that sounds sort of rough and exciting, and a bit futuristic. I’d imagine it would involve angry bionic supermodels with shiny metal breasts,”

A 57 year old pervert from Milton Keynes said:

“I don’t quite know what it is either, which surprised me somewhat, as I am well versed in most erotic delights. ‘Colliding’ sounds very sensual to me, and I hope there are some sexy lady scientists operating it, with glasses on and stockings under their white coats. Phwoar. I hope we get one in Milton Keynes,”

Opinions on how the device would operate are split. Some men insist that it would send their John Thomas into another dimension, where a sexy lady alien might rub a boob on it. Others suggest that it would simply vibrate a lot and jiggle around better than an angry washing machine in an empty laundry room.

A small proportion of men believe that a Hardon collider sounds like a sort of jousting competition in a futuristic metal bunker, and are already selecting their team colours.

A petition has been organised, and funds are already being raised for development of the device.

“We don’t know what the hell it is or what it does,”

Said men everywhere.

“But superconducting quadrupole electromagnets being used to direct the beams to four intersection points, where interactions between accelerated protons will take place sounds absolutely filthy!”

Sea Monkey Company Admits To Lying About Crowns

The company that produced ‘Sea Monkey’ products has finally admitted to lying about them wearing little crowns, and being a super-civilised species of undersea monkey.

The lurid Sea Monkey packaging and advertising was deemed grossly misleading by a court ruling yesterday. The judge recalled his own childhood during proceedings, noting that he too had been fooled into expecting a tank full of raspberry-pink, smiling, waving, slightly sexy humanoids with crowns on their heads, expecting to feel like the emperor of a tiny, mystical undersea kingdom for at least a week, instead of some watching some rubbish, sludge-coloured shrimps die over the course of 48 hours.

A statement issued by the manufacturers said:

“We have mis-led an entire generation of children, by leading them to believe that shrimps can somehow sit around smiling as if they’re on a Page 3 calendar. They are not monkeys, and monkeys can’t live under the sea. We just wanted to flog some crustacean eggs & got a bit carried away.

“We also say they are ‘time travellers’ on our official website, and this is also bollocks. They’re just hibernating. Otherwise bears would be time travellers as well, which they aren’t,”

The manufacturers did point out that they have addressed customer complaints that the creatures died almost immediately. They claim to have engineered a new hybrid of Sea Monkey, that is more hardy & can survive longer in captivity.

“They’re really cool. They ride around on tiny undersea motorbikes, and some of them can rap,”

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Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts