‘Love, Honor And Puree’ – Woman Marries Nutribullet

A 35 year old woman from Leeds, UK has married her Nutribullet blender, after owning it for three days.

“I’ve never felt so fulfilled,”

Said the woman, after ditching her smoothie maker and juicer for the swanky ‘Magic Bullet’ blender that can pulverize carrots and even nuts.

“I’m obsessed with it. I can’t stop putting different types of food into it and turning them into pulp, and running around the house with a glass of mango and spirulina smoothie forcing people to look at the texture of it and drink it. It’s like being a crack addict, but ten times more annoying,”

The bride’s best friend said:

“If she mentions that sodding blender one more time, I’m going to stick it up her (censored). She hasn’t shut up about liquidating carrots and beetroot since she took it out of the box, which she probably liquidised with a handful of collard greens and drank. But I’m glad she’s happy,”

During the short ceremony, the happy couple promise to “love, honor and puree” and were showered with rose petals, which the Magic Bullet promptly turned into a nutritious paste that can be added to soup.

Pensioner Causes Mucky Minded Pile Up Over Skirt

An elderly lady from Stone in Staffordshire caused a 15 person pile-up of dirty-minded members of the public in the market place today. An ambulance was called to treat bruises.

Pensioner Gladys Oatcake said she didn’t mean to cause the crush, and that she was only deciding which skirt to buy from a market stall.

“I was torn between the pink and the brown you see. I was chatting to the stallholder, and I mentioned that I really loved it in the pink, but wondered if I’d like it in the brown as well, just for a change,”

Gladys told the reporter, who spat out his coffee onto a passing Yorkshire terrier.

“He told me that the pink is roomier and I might find the brown a bit tight, but it would stretch after a while. And then he walked off as if he was going to cry. They looked the same size to me though,”

She added, clarifying that she had no idea what caused the pile-up, or why a passing builder started videoing her on his mobile ‘phone.

“My sister in law Sandra would prefer the brown, and any time she’s got a choice she’d go for the brown, whereas I’d probably be more comfortable with it in the pink. I wouldn’t even consider the brown normally, but Sandra suggested I try the brown as a change from pink, so that’s what I was wondering when people started videoing me on their ‘phones. I couldn’t understand what was going on,”

According to witnesses, a man on a nearby stall

“Cracked up laughing, got his ‘phone out and started videoing Gladys. But he wasn’t watching where he was going, and all of the other people listening to the conversation and sniggering managed to end up tripping over each other and ended up in a heap on the floor outside Superdrug,”

A video taken seconds before the human pile-up recorded Gladys telling the stallholder, who had covered his face with his scarf

“I could have it in the pink and the brown I supposed. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll take it in the pink and the brown please, and then I can always change my mind if it’s too tight. Or Sandra can have it in the brown instead. It’ll be a nice surprise for her,”

The video footage captured the beginning of the pile-up, as a passing mum of two walked into a lamppost in hysterics, and several people tripped over her trying to listen to the conversation.

When questioned, Gladys maintains that she has no idea why everybody was listening to her trying to buy a skirt. When it was suggested that there might have been another meaning to her conversation with the stallholder, Gladys said:

“Oh no! There was nothing mucky about it. I was only deciding which skirt to buy. You shouldn’t do things like that anyway. A friend of mine did that years ago, and she shat herself in Homebase,”

Men Demand ‘Hardon’ Collider

After a spelling error in a BBC science report, men everywhere are demanding a ‘Hardon’ collider be built in every major town and city.

“I don’t know exactly what it involves, but it sounds brilliant!”

Said a 21 year old student from Leeds, adding:

“I’m always looking for new things to stick my family jewels in, and that sounds sort of rough and exciting, and a bit futuristic. I’d imagine it would involve angry bionic supermodels with shiny metal breasts,”

A 57 year old pervert from Milton Keynes said:

“I don’t quite know what it is either, which surprised me somewhat, as I am well versed in most erotic delights. ‘Colliding’ sounds very sensual to me, and I hope there are some sexy lady scientists operating it, with glasses on and stockings under their white coats. Phwoar. I hope we get one in Milton Keynes,”

Opinions on how the device would operate are split. Some men insist that it would send their John Thomas into another dimension, where a sexy lady alien might rub a boob on it. Others suggest that it would simply vibrate a lot and jiggle around better than an angry washing machine in an empty laundry room.

A small proportion of men believe that a Hardon collider sounds like a sort of jousting competition in a futuristic metal bunker, and are already selecting their team colours.

A petition has been organised, and funds are already being raised for development of the device.

“We don’t know what the hell it is or what it does,”

Said men everywhere.

“But superconducting quadrupole electromagnets being used to direct the beams to four intersection points, where interactions between accelerated protons will take place sounds absolutely filthy!”

Katie Hopkins Accuses False Widow Spiders Of Benefit Fraud

Katie Hopkins has accused false widow spiders of lying about their marital status, in order to claim more benefits.

Speaking at a business conference in Brighton yesterday, the media mouthpiece claimed that “many, if not all” false widow spiders were not widows or single mothers, as she claimed they were claiming.

“Frankly, I don’t believe that they’re widows at all. There’s a clue in the name for heaven’s sake,” she was overheard telling a pensioner in the pub afterwards.

The species of spider arrived in England in the 1870’s, in crates of fruit from the Canary Islands. Populations have expanded due to climate change. But scientists are not worried that they are going to take all of the traditional spidering jobs, such as sitting in bath tubs, spinning webs on the wing mirrors of Fiat Puntos, and running across the bedroom floor in young women’s bedrooms.

The pensioner that was sitting with Katie Hopkins after the conference said:

“Let’s face it. Who wouldn’t want to be at ground level in a young woman’s bedroom. Phwoar. No wonder they’re all coming over here in their droves. Next time I see one Mrs. Hopkins, I will hit it with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Mail. And may I say, you are just lovely, and you’ve really brightened up an old man’s day. Hail Satan,”

Hopkins claimed that thousands of immigrant false widows were arriving on cargo ships every single day in the UK, and that many lived “6 to a web, right over your head in the attic, scuttering around in corners where you can’t see them, waiting to give you a painful bite on the toe for absolutely no reason, because that’s what they’re like,”

The media has been accused of scaremongering about the false widow spider, and in cases where people have been bitten by a spider, it is easy to confuse false widows with several other species of venomous spider that can bite people, especially when the Daily Mail has apparently managed to convinced everybody that they’re spider experts all of a sudden.

Unpopular Royals To Be Buried In Car Parks

Less popular royals such as Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie and Prince Andrew, and possibly the ginger spare one if he dresses up as a Nazi again, are to be buried in car parks as part of their state funerals. The PR office for the Royal Family announced the adjustment this morning.

Following the public outpouring for the remains of controversial King Richard III, discovered in a car park in Leicester in 2012, the Queen has decreed that all members of the royal family that the public don’t really like very much, are to be laid to rest beneath a public parking facility, for a period of at least 500 years following their deaths.

It is believed that this unusual move and drastic change to tradition was made in accordance with media and PR expert’s advice on handling “more challenging” members of the Royal family.

The alleged child murderer and hunchback King Richard was unpopular with his own family, mainly because he kept bumping them off. He was described as “that poisonous hunchback’d toad,” by Shakespeare.

A top PR company that worked with the palace said:

“If he was around today, you would probably think of him as a horrible, power-mad, murderous psychopath. But in burying him for 500 years under a car park, albeit inadvertently, he’s been transformed into a mythical, romantic figure that everybody adores. Imagine if we could do the same thing with Beatrice and Eugenie,”

Possible sites for the burials have been put forward, including a pay and display near Lidl in Barnsley, West Yorkshire, and one near Bargain Booze in the center of Hanley.

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