Whaaaambulance dispatched For Boycotters Of Mad Max Movie

A big pink ‘Whaaaaaaambulance’ has been dispatched for Cockwombling Bumblecunts the world over, that are acting like One Direction fans on shark week. The outpouring of emotion on social media came in response to the idea of a female oriented ‘Mad Max’ instalment.

Claiming that “girls aren’t allowed in the apocalypse” and that action movies are “boys only, because putting girls or kissing in it is sissy”, some men are claiming that the idea of a woman running around putting bullets in people’s heads and slapping them silly in a fictional situation dreamed up by Hollywood, and in a completely unrealistic way, is unrealistic.

A very huffy man from Manchester, UK blustered:

“This is total nonsense, and clearly Hollywood is only interested in promoting a female agenda. So I don’t think that girls would be any good in an apocalypse. They should be at home, making sandwiches,”

Threats to boycott ‘Mad Max’ screenings are as yet failing to counterbalance the enormous publicity generated on social media by men whining about how oppressed they are, by being treated to a really fit actress running about with a gun in a multi-million dollar movie.

“Cor, that sounds brilliant!” said a movie fan from Milton Keynes.

“I didn’t know about the movie until I saw some bloke moaning about it on Facebook. Charlize Theron’s a cracking actress, and it’s got that fit knicker model in it too. And guns. And it’s had great reviewson Rotten Tomatoes. If the Feminazi agenda means I get to see Rosie Huntington Thingymabob jumping about on a tank, I’m all for it. Where do I sign up?”

Are You Beach Body Ready?

You’ve read the adverts, you’ve seen the infomercials, and now you too can be ‘Beach Body Ready’ with a military issue body bag!

Objectors to the new trend say it’s “morbid” and “creepy” and “restrictive”. But we say going on holiday is about what total strangers think of your ass, rather than enjoying yourself and having fun.

As we all know, beaches are not allowed to be fun unless you look like a fitness model. So volleyball, paddling, swimming and sunbathing are holiday no-nos for you I’m afraid. Somebody might look at your butt, and then where will we be? In hell, that’s where. And it will be all your fault for having an ordinary butt.

Instead of walking about or swimming on the beach in a bikini or swimsuit, you simply zip yourself into the bag and pretend to be a corpse for the duration of your holiday. As you can see from the photo, you won’t miss out on your holiday Pina Colada – simply unzip the bag and quickly take a drink while no-one is looking. You could even get one of those big long bendy straws and feed it through a tiny hole in the zip. Just take care to remain motionless, or somebody might call the paramedics.

This radical new beachwear solves all of your completely out-of-proportion body woes in one wipe-clean swish of a zip, and doubles as a dry cleaning bag when you get home.

Crafty gals can cut slits in the bottom of the bag, so that they can walk about in the dead of night without disturbing anyone’s holiday by not looking like Christy Turlington.

Black is an incredibly slimming colour, and we’re sure you’ll love hiding your awful, terrible, imperfect body away by pretending to be dead during your holiday.

The 100% opaque outer casing of the bag deflects the sun’s harmful UV rays, so there is no need to wear sun lotion. How liberating is that? And you’ll sweat so much inside the plastic bag that you will lose up to ten pounds over the course of a week. Imagine that – going on holiday and coming back a whole ten pounds lighter! You can enjoy all of these benefits and more by simply zipping up and lying down. We bet you’re really looking forward to your week in the sun now.

Women’s Shoes ‘50% More Stupid’ Than Last Year

A new study on women’s shoe trends has confirmed that fashionable new shoes are up to 30% more ridiculous, 48% less practical and at least 50% more stupid than this time last year.

A spokesperson for the Society For Stupid Shoes said:

“We’ve seen fashions come and go. But 2015 has been a bumper year for utterly ridiculous clod-hoppers that women can barely walk in. They’re even more ugly and wanky than we ever thought possible. If this trend continues, we’ll all be walking about with live trout on our feet, or wearing shoes in the shape of London busses, with little exhaust pipes pumping out smoke on the back,”

Shoe designer Manolo Blahnik recently unveiled a collection made from cabbage-leaves decorated with live snails with gilded shells that slowly eat the shoe from around your foot. Topshop plans to rip them off immediately, and it is expected that they will ‘walk off the shelves’, according to a head buyer.

“Women today are regularly wearing shoes so baffling, that they make Lady Gaga look like Nora Batty. We don’t fully understand the reasons for this, but we’re glad that people think really ugly, stupid shoes are brilliant,”

Victoria’s Secret To Show Knickers On Normal Arses

Manufacturers put women wearing knickers on packets of knickers, to prevent women from accidentally putting them on the dog, wearing them on their heads, or attempting to use them as driving gloves.

But posh knicker-models Rosie Huntington-Whitley and Lara Stone could soon be out of a job, after a women on Facebook asked lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret, for pictures of their knickers on just a normal, nice arse.

“Oh yeah, we never thought of that,”

Said Victoria’s Secret.

“We’ll look into putting them on some normal-sized arses, like some great big ones that are still smokin’, and some smaller peachy, dimply ones, and ones that wobble a bit, so that you can imagine what they will look like on your own arse, instead of seeing them stretched over the perfectly spherical, cellulite-free globes of an 18 year old former gymnast. Which most of our customers aren’t. What a fantastic idea,”

Another Facebooker pointed out that putting a pair of control pants on a model that wouldn’t need control pants, even after being trapped in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory on shark week, doesn’t really help to show what they look like.

“Another great point, well made,”

Said the famous knicker-makers.

“We can totally see how putting control pants on somebody that doesn’t need to wear control pants, and then Photoshopping the crap out of them, so that they look like a bathing costume for a worm isn’t very helpful. We’ll put that right immediately,”

Selfish Career Woman Turns Into Plate Of Lime Jelly

A former businesswoman has turned into an actual plate of lime-flavoured jelly, in the shape of a pair of wobbling breasts, after she tried to meet the demands of her career and her baby at the same time, the Daily Mail has reported.

Linda Smith, 31 from Devon turned into a plate of jelly after following some conflicting advice she read on the Daily Mail website.

Linda Smith in her current form as a pair of lime-flavoured jelly breasts.

After selfishly trying to run her business, as well as selfishly having a baby, her first after 15 fertile years of selfishly not having a baby, but relieved that she managed to avoid teenage pregnancy, Linda admitted she felt “exhausted and inadequate”.

“I was quite proud of running a business and looking after my baby at the same time, even though we’re both very tired & it’s hard sometimes. But now I realise I was wrong, and the stress has turned me into plate of lime jelly. I’m a terrible person and I’m going to hell,”

“I wish I’d looked at the Mail Online sooner, because then I would have realised what an awful, selfish idiot I am, and how I’m doing absolutely everything wrong. I’m turning my baby into a serial killer by leaving him with my sister 3 days a week. He’ll probably be gay because I bottle feed him when he’s at work with me. My roots are showing, I haven’t got any lippy on, my armpits haven’t been moisturised in weeks, and I bet my husband’s having an affair. I wouldn’t blame him, to be honest,”

Now that Linda is a plate of lime-flavoured, none-vegan jelly pair of breasts wobbling about on a plate in her parents fridge, she wants to warn other women about the dangers of having a baby, not having a baby, having a baby too early, and leaving it too late to have a baby.

“Basically, you’re a selfish, awful woman, or at best misguided, whatever you decide to do. Even not having a baby is fraught with danger and probably really selfish. Your best bet is to become a nun really, because then you’re automatically exempt from having a usable vagina and doing the wrong thing with it,”

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