Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts

A campaign has been launched to warn women of the potential dangers of the innocent sounding ‘Pixie Cut’.

A former sufferer of ‘Half Grown Out Pixie Syndrome’ warned of the dangerous buzz of an edgy new hairdo, followed by the terrible comedown of trying to grow the sodding thing out for 12 months if you get fed up of it.

“It’s bloody Emma Watson’s fault!”

Said Laura, a teaching assistant from Clapham.

“I was expecting a sort of cross between Princess Diana and a young Mia Farrow to be blinking back from the mirror like a new-born faun,”

“The magazines make out that it’s going to transform you into a sort of catastrophically alluring super-waif with eyes like a pair of headlamps on a rainy night in Soho. But now I look like me Dad in 1987. Bugger. I blame false advertising and Keira Knightley’s cheekbones,”

Her best friend disagrees, stating that it looks edgy and cool, it’s nice to change it up every once in a while, and ‘it’ll grow back’.

“I think there should be some kind of warning on pixie cuts, as the advertising is very misleading. I really liked it at first, and now I’m fed up with it and stuck with an annoying mullet for the next 8 months, while it grows into a sort of unflattering mushroomy bob that I will also secretly hate,”

Said Laura, pulling her hat down over her ears and grumbling like Lord Voldemort with a hangover.

“I’m a grown-assed woman reduced to wearing a pissing Alice band and stupid clips with flowers on them. Eff my life!”

Hairdressers and style gurus are quick to point out that many women with pixie cuts enjoy the freedom and the edgy style of a sharp crop. Some of the most iconic and inspirational women of modern times have sported short hairstyles.

“But what you’ve got to remember,”

Said a top hairdresser.

“Is that it’s almost impossible to predict whether you are going to strut down the street like Grace Jones for an entire month afterwards because it looks ace and you didn’t realise what a goddamned sexy neck you have. Or whether you’re going to sort of slink along in a stupid headband for the next 12 months, hoping that you don’t bump into your ex with his new girlfriend, because she’s got Kate Middleton hair and you look like you’re wig-sitting for Paul Daniels. There’s just no way to tell whether you’re going scream “Don’t lie! I look like Boris bloody Johnson!” at your friends when they try to tell you it looks nice,”

The campaign, backed by many former pixie cut fans, backs a proposed law that will stamp slogans like “This Looks Great On Carey Mulligan, But You’re Not Carey Mulligan” and “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow, Mullet For 12 Months”.

Women’s Shoes ‘50% More Stupid’ Than Last Year

A new study on women’s shoe trends has confirmed that fashionable new shoes are up to 30% more ridiculous, 48% less practical and at least 50% more stupid than this time last year.

A spokesperson for the Society For Stupid Shoes said:

“We’ve seen fashions come and go. But 2015 has been a bumper year for utterly ridiculous clod-hoppers that women can barely walk in. They’re even more ugly and wanky than we ever thought possible. If this trend continues, we’ll all be walking about with live trout on our feet, or wearing shoes in the shape of London busses, with little exhaust pipes pumping out smoke on the back,”

Shoe designer Manolo Blahnik recently unveiled a collection made from cabbage-leaves decorated with live snails with gilded shells that slowly eat the shoe from around your foot. Topshop plans to rip them off immediately, and it is expected that they will ‘walk off the shelves’, according to a head buyer.

“Women today are regularly wearing shoes so baffling, that they make Lady Gaga look like Nora Batty. We don’t fully understand the reasons for this, but we’re glad that people think really ugly, stupid shoes are brilliant,”

Victoria’s Secret To Show Knickers On Normal Arses

Manufacturers put women wearing knickers on packets of knickers, to prevent women from accidentally putting them on the dog, wearing them on their heads, or attempting to use them as driving gloves.

But posh knicker-models Rosie Huntington-Whitley and Lara Stone could soon be out of a job, after a women on Facebook asked lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret, for pictures of their knickers on just a normal, nice arse.

“Oh yeah, we never thought of that,”

Said Victoria’s Secret.

“We’ll look into putting them on some normal-sized arses, like some great big ones that are still smokin’, and some smaller peachy, dimply ones, and ones that wobble a bit, so that you can imagine what they will look like on your own arse, instead of seeing them stretched over the perfectly spherical, cellulite-free globes of an 18 year old former gymnast. Which most of our customers aren’t. What a fantastic idea,”

Another Facebooker pointed out that putting a pair of control pants on a model that wouldn’t need control pants, even after being trapped in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory on shark week, doesn’t really help to show what they look like.

“Another great point, well made,”

Said the famous knicker-makers.

“We can totally see how putting control pants on somebody that doesn’t need to wear control pants, and then Photoshopping the crap out of them, so that they look like a bathing costume for a worm isn’t very helpful. We’ll put that right immediately,”

10 Things Girls Over 30 Should Never Wear

If you’re pushing 30, then you need to arbitrarily stop wearing certain things. You’re running out of time, your ovaries are shriveling up and let’s face it, you’re getting old. There is nothing more disgusting than a wrinkly old lady in a mink bikini, which is what you’ll be if you carry on dressing like a young strumpet.

Here’s a list of ten garments to swerve after your 30th birthday:

A bikini made from ham

Sure Lady Gaga looked hot in that meat dress. But she’s only like 22, so don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do the same. Your aging breasts need proper support, and nobody wants to see your lady garden, which is probably all bent out of shape and resembles a kebab that’s been dropped on the floor and stepped on by now. So don’t go draping your bits & bobs in wafer-thin ham after the big 3-0, because you’ll just be mutton dressed as ham, and all you’ll attract is flies and cats.  That’s how old ladies end up dying alone and being eaten by cats.  You have been warned.

Shoes that make you walk like you’ve been bummed by Robocop

If you’re 25 and you wear a pair of ‘Follow Me Home & Shag Me’ shoes that make you walk like a giraffe in a room full of marbles, all you’ll get is “DAMN! Dat ass though,” from guys.

But girls, if you’re over 30 and you try this trick, you might as well be walking around shouting “I’m Dorian from Birds Of A Feather! Somebody please sleep with me, I’ve got a disease!” and your children will want to put themselves up for adoption.

A Nazi uniform

This is another big no-no for girls over 30. If you’re young, hot and blonde, everyone will just think you’re being ironically Aryan. But older women should steer clear of trying to copy the style of fascist regimes, historical or otherwise.

A baby-gro and a bottle of milk

Oh come on you sad old tart. Did you really think you were fooling anyone into thinking you’re 18 months old? It doesn’t matter how much you lie around gurgling and laughing at the sky, we all know you’re over the hill.

A strap-on, chainsaw dildo

If you’re not 29 any more, then you should give potentially lethal, wearable sex toys a big miss. Your eyesight isn’t what it was, and your hormones are probably playing up by now. If you’re tired and emotional after a hard day at the office, you might accidentally decapitate somebody. Try a pair of Spanx instead.

Live cats

Wearing any kind of live animal as a fashion accessory is tricky, but attaching multiple cats to your skin as a kind of live fur coat is risky for the over-30’s. Too many cats and you’ll look more crazy cat-lady than sex kitten. Not enough cats and you’ll be exposing too much of your crepey, disgusting old flesh. Leave this to the twenty-something chicks.

Crocs

Absolutely nobody should wear these anyway, even if you’re a 19 year old supermodel that lives on acai juice.

Racist fancy dress costumes

Fancy dressing up as an Indian squaw this Halloween? Our survey says HELL NO. You’re simply not cute enough to get away with locking yourself in the bathroom and crying, when somebody points out that it’s actually quite racist. Nobody will have any sympathy for you. Try an old hag costume instead, and make sure the skirt touches the floor.

A tattoo of your own arse, on your face

You may think you’re very clever getting a tattoo in your 20’s. But you’ve ruined yourself for life, and made your skin less valuable to the kind of man that thinks about his girlfriend’s skin as a sort of commodity that can be devalued, which is pretty creepy but anyhoo. If you’ve got a tattoo of your own butt on any part of your face or neck, you need to get that shit lazered on your 30th birthday.

A hat that’s on fire

If you wanted to copy Arthur ‘Crazy’ Brown and set your hat on fire, then you should have put it on your bucket list in your twenties. It’s too late now. Your skin isn’t what it was, and if it all goes wrong then you won’t take to skin grafts as well as a 21 year old. Try a balaclava instead, you wrinkly old whorebag.

The horror!  If you need more advice off the Internet to fill up your fluffy little female mind, read 5 Horrifying Mistakes Women Make While Having Sex!

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Women Demand Warning Labels On Cute Pixie Cuts