Trees To Give Off Wifi

Plans to re-plant areas of London previously cleared of trees, so that twats can sit in the sunshine listing to their I-Pods are already going ahead, after a new invention that allows trees to boost Wifi and mobile telephone signal was tested in the UK.

“Do twats give off a WiFi signal? No they don’t. You don’t get seven or eight tourists crowding around a twat, waving their Samsung Apple Thingymajig about and looking distraught. They’re a complete waste of space and a drain on the environment,”

Said an environmental technology expert.

The technology to enable trees to boost WiFi signals, which will be implanted into all UK tree seeds from 2018, will turn each tree into a sort of aerial for mobile technology. The company that developed the technology said:

“Trees are really the lungs of the planet, as well as being a vital part of the ecosystem of well, everywhere, from a back garden to a vast rainforest. But people keep cutting them down and setting fire to them. Or worse, turning them into those horrible, basic LACK tables from IKEA that cost seven quid. Nobody treats trees with any respect. But they totally would if they gave off WiFi.

“We’ve Got Enough Food Now Thanks’ Say GMO Protesters

The genetic modification of crops has been deemed unnecessary by the government following a report from people that don’t approve of white-coated witchcraft, and claims that everybody now has enough food.

A poster for the movie ‘Return Of The Killer Tomatoes’ – a bleak, dystopian GMO thriller.

“I’m a mother, and I’m happy with the organic selection on offer at my local supermarket,”

Said Linda Smug, an armchair nutritionist from London, who has an O Level in biology and runs an online forum for people that don’t like the idea of GMO food.

“I certainly don’t want to walk into Tesco and see tomatoes dancing around on legs, or bananas gasping for air on the floor, because they’ve been crossed with rainbow trout. We’ve got enough food now, and those companies are just being greedy,”

When it was pointed out that crops have been genetically modified by farmers for thousands of years, producing the oversized fruits and plump grains that we think of as normal today, Linda said:

“Harrumph! But would you eat a burger made from the offspring of a goat and a shark?”

And ran off crying.

Despite climate change playing havoc with ecosystems and crops in many countries, leading to mass starvation, illness and death of millions of people worldwide, protesters insist that GMO crops are part of a government plot to kill millions of people by feeding them food.

Martin Quinoa, who writes for health website Natural News said:

“It’s well known that Monsanto are in bed with Big Pharma, and that they want to wipe most of the population out. Mostly not us though, just people in other countries that can’t afford the latest Apple technology. Anyway, we’ve got more than enough food now, and we don’t want any new types. Everybody should just stop messing about with it,”

Wasps ‘Even Bigger Pricks Than Jellyfish’

After a 12 year study concluded that Jellyfish are just horrible, pointless bastards, insect anthropologists have been quick to point out that wasps are much bigger pricks than jellyfish.

All biologists agreed that there is no point to jellyfish at all, but wasps are a necessary part of the ecosystem, even though they are gigantic pricks.

“Any creature that would viciously sting some poor sod innocently building a sandcastle on the beach is clearly a complete and total bastard, and both wasps and jellyfish would not hesitate to sting you in the face or on the end of your knob for absolutely no reason.”

Said a statement from the Institute of Stingy Insects.

“The difference is though, that jellyfish don’t really know they’re stinging you. They’re probably just swimming up to sniff your leg or something. Or getting stranded on the beach, because they’re not very bright.”

The scientists studying the jellyfish agreed with the insect anthropologists that wasps were both bastards and pricks, while jellyfish were just bastards. They did however point out that jellyfish are extremely stupid, while wasps at least have rudimentary intelligence. This would make them stupid bastards, rather than just bastards.

Dr. Gordon Bennett, a wasp expert from the Institute of Stingy Insects said:

“Being a jellyfish doesn’t involve much, and there’s really only one rule, which is to stay in the fucking water. It’s not like there isn’t enough water in the entire sea to swim about in. But they can’t even manage to do that half the time. A creature with the brain of a lard sandwich can’t sting you on purpose.

Wasps are just gits though. They’ll sting you on the arse for fun and then get all their mates involved. That makes them much bigger pricks than jellyfish. They’re like the football hooligans of the insect world. Just massive dickheads that nobody wants to share a pub garden with,”

Coffee Cups Made From Recycled Hipsters

A Kickstarter scheme is hoping to raise eleven million dollars for a new ‘green’ type of disposable coffee cup.

“Organ donation and pledging your remains to medial science is like, sooooo last century,”

Said Justin Twat, CEO of Cuppa Coffin, a company that recycles the mortal remains of people that live in Shoreditch and Camden, and turns them into cups for chains such as Costa Coffee and Starbucks.

‘Our consumers are young professionals, and when they pop their clogs they want to still feel a part of the daily hustle and bustle, overpriced properties and muggings that they think is so bloody brilliant. Being cremated and then turned into approximately one thousand coffee cups ensures that they still get to ride about on the tube and sit around in offices with abstract paintings on the walls, and be a part of conversations like “Ooooooh my Gooooood! I haven’t seen you in aaaaages! Love your hat! We must go out!”

“Then, when the customer finishes their coffee, they simply chuck it in the bin, or drop it on the floor in the Tube, and it goes straight into a landfill site,”

The City of London produces tonnes of waste from disposable coffee cups every day, and this exciting new initiative ensures that the coffee cups of young professionals and creative are just that bit more special, more exciting and just better than everyone else’s.

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