Toddlers ‘Just Bastards’ According To Experts

A study into the behaviour of children under five years old has revealed that much of toddler’s more challenging behaviour is down to them being heartless little bastards, that sadistically enjoy tormenting adults.

evil toddler

The researchers secretly listened to the conversations of a hundred pairs of under-5s while they were alone in a room full of toys. While the researchers were watching, they played with the toys and tried to eat them. But when the researchers left the room and recorded the children playing, some of the conversations appeared to show malicious forethought and meticulous planning to an almost Machiavellian level.

A researcher that worked on the study said:

“I’m glad my kids are grown up. They were saying things like ‘you rip the pages out of that book and I’ll crap in her handbag, it’ll be hilarious’ and ‘you should have seen my nappy after I ate her entire collection of lipsticks, it was like somebody had clubbed a seal to death in the middle of a Pampers advert. LOL’. There is no doubt in my mind that under 5’s are simply bastards,”

Sex To Be Replaced With Crossfit

Sex could be phased out and replaced with Crossfit as early as 2020, according to experts.

crossfit

A Crossfit instructor from Milton Keynes is backing the new legislation, which would see amorous couples performing three rounds of 50 squats, seven muscle-ups and ten hang power cleans, instead of banging each other like a Salvation Army drum.

“Experiencing a Zen-like, Nirvanic pain in your chest after three rounds of burpees and then lying on the floor sobbing in a puddle of a stranger’s sweat is actually better and more effective than sex,”

He explained, while juggling kettleballs with his feet and making a kale and salmon smoothie.

“It’s not about saying no to sex. It’s about saying yes to fitness,”

Experts have pointed out that having several bouts of vigorous sex on a Sunday afternoon, in no way prepares you for rescuing a theoretical grandmother from a hypothetical burning building, or helps you to disarm a rogue grizzly bear that is trying to hold up an off-license with a sawn-off shotgun, and has taken a photogenic small child as a hostage and possibly a snack.

Tragic Washing Machine ‘Starved To Death’

A washing machine from Milton Keynes has starved to death after its owner used sock clips to prevent it from eating single socks.

washing machine eat socks

The Hotpoint’s owner claims she had no idea that washing machines needed to consume single socks, and only clipped the socks together ‘to stop them from disappearing’.

The manufactures have warned the public about the dangers of clipping socks together, but it is not thought that sock clips will be banned altogether.

“We do not advocate the use of sock clips 100% of the time, as this prevents washing machines from eating one of your brightly coloured socks, leaving you with a single, useless sock that will live in your sock drawer for the rest of eternity. There have been several cases where washing machines have tragically starved to death after being denied the opportunity to eat socks. It is important to remember that socks are a natural part of a washing machine’s diet, and that sock clips can be dangerous when used in every wash,”

‘Exposure’ Now Legal Tender For Photographers

A change in the law will allow photographers to pay rent on their homes & studios with ‘exposure’ instead of money. They will also be able to buy coffee, shampoo and other essentials, by mentioning to the checkout assistant that they did a big job last week for nothing, and are hoping it will bring them some paying clients.

photographer

Landlords and supermarkets are protesting this move, on the grounds that “Well what the hell am I supposed to do with ‘exposure’? I can’t pay my bills with fresh bloody air! Why can’t you just give me money like every bugger else?”

The controversial new change will allow photographers to pay for their homes and studios by doing freebies for people that want pictures of their spoiled daughter at her expensive Sweet Sixteen party, pictures of their hair-brained new business idea, or a range of merchandise they plan to sell on EBay.

The owner of an online sausage website said:

“This is a very good deal, and I can’t understand what you’re all moaning about. I own a big sausage factory, and when people see that you have photographed my famous sausages, you’ll be beating off paying clients with a mucky stick. Everybody knows that’s how it works. If you think about it, I’m actually doing you a favor by letting you photograph my sausages,”

Photographers themselves claim that they don’t really give a shit how famous your sausages are, or how many wealthy parents will be at your daughter’s swanky party that cost a grand to put on.

“The old saying went – if you pay peanuts you get monkeys,”

Said a professional photographer from Leeds.

“It used to be that if you planned to pay in imaginary benefits, good luck with your imaginary professional photographer, and the top notch professional service that you won’t be receiving. They’ll probably throw in imaginary re-touching and shoot it on a fictional Hasselblad as well,

“But with this new change in the law, I can actually pay the rent on my studio by spending the whole afternoon photographing someone’s annoying children for nothing. I can even get a free coffee in Starbucks by whipping out my portfolio and showing them all the many hours of retouching I did on some bright orange teenager whose mum told her she could be a model. This has revolutionized the field of photography, and I couldn’t be more delighted,”

A spokesperson for the National Landlords Association said:

“This is absolutely outrageous. How can anyone in their right minds hope to pay for goods and services with ‘exposure’? If we’re forced to accept the promise of future work in lieu of actual money, we’re all going to go bankrupt!”

Are You Beach Body Ready?

You’ve read the adverts, you’ve seen the infomercials, and now you too can be ‘Beach Body Ready’ with a military issue body bag!

beach body

Objectors to the new trend say it’s “morbid” and “creepy” and “restrictive”. But we say going on holiday is about what total strangers think of your ass, rather than enjoying yourself and having fun.

As we all know, beaches are not allowed to be fun unless you look like a fitness model. So volleyball, paddling, swimming and sunbathing are holiday no-nos for you I’m afraid. Somebody might look at your butt, and then where will we be? In hell, that’s where. And it will be all your fault for having an ordinary butt.

Instead of walking about or swimming on the beach in a bikini or swimsuit, you simply zip yourself into the bag and pretend to be a corpse for the duration of your holiday. As you can see from the photo, you won’t miss out on your holiday Pina Colada – simply unzip the bag and quickly take a drink while no-one is looking. You could even get one of those big long bendy straws and feed it through a tiny hole in the zip. Just take care to remain motionless, or somebody might call the paramedics.

This radical new beachwear solves all of your completely out-of-proportion body woes in one wipe-clean swish of a zip, and doubles as a dry cleaning bag when you get home.

Crafty gals can cut slits in the bottom of the bag, so that they can walk about in the dead of night without disturbing anyone’s holiday by not looking like Christy Turlington.

Black is an incredibly slimming colour, and we’re sure you’ll love hiding your awful, terrible, imperfect body away by pretending to be dead during your holiday.

The 100% opaque outer casing of the bag deflects the sun’s harmful UV rays, so there is no need to wear sun lotion. How liberating is that? And you’ll sweat so much inside the plastic bag that you will lose up to ten pounds over the course of a week. Imagine that – going on holiday and coming back a whole ten pounds lighter! You can enjoy all of these benefits and more by simply zipping up and lying down. We bet you’re really looking forward to your week in the sun now.

Twats Tweeting Twattily About Apple Watch On Twitter

Twats worldwide have been Tweeting twattilly on Twitter about their new Apple watches.

apple watch

“Look at me, I’ve got a black and gold one!”

Tweeted a twat in Australia, proudly showing of his twatty new wristwear to his twat friends.

Twats on twat-playground Instagram that pre-ordered the Apple watch have been taking twatty pictures of themselves unboxing the twatty new technology, designed especially for twats.

Twattily using loads of hashtags to alert as many Instagram users as possible that they’re a massive twat with the technology to prove it, many twats opted for the particularly twatty #nofilter hashtag to tag selfies of them wearing the watch. This is twat shorthand for ‘I like, don’t need a flattering filter to make me good looking’ thus proving that they are twats.

A twat in the UK posted a picture of his arm showing the watch, a ‘casually placed’ expensive laptop in the background and an Armani cufflink on his twatty purple shirt. Other users snapped their watch synching with their I-Phone, as if this would somehow compensate for them being a twat, and some twat of a footballer even got invited to the Apple store to be personally shown how to set up the twatty piece of arm equipment.

23 delusional twats in Sydney, Australia spent several hours of their twatty lives that they’re never going to get back, fruitlessly queuing outside the Apple store to buy one. Unfortunately for these wannabe twats, the true twats tweeting twattily about their pre-ordered Twat-watches are going to have the last laugh. Twattily, probably.

Katie Hopkins Accuses False Widow Spiders Of Benefit Fraud

Katie Hopkins has accused false widow spiders of lying about their marital status, in order to claim more benefits.

false widow spider

Speaking at a business conference in Brighton yesterday, the media mouthpiece claimed that “many, if not all” false widow spiders were not widows or single mothers, as she claimed they were claiming.

“Frankly, I don’t believe that they’re widows at all. There’s a clue in the name for heaven’s sake,” she was overheard telling a pensioner in the pub afterwards.

The species of spider arrived in England in the 1870’s, in crates of fruit from the Canary Islands. Populations have expanded due to climate change. But scientists are not worried that they are going to take all of the traditional spidering jobs, such as sitting in bath tubs, spinning webs on the wing mirrors of Fiat Puntos, and running across the bedroom floor in young women’s bedrooms.

The pensioner that was sitting with Katie Hopkins after the conference said:

“Let’s face it. Who wouldn’t want to be at ground level in a young woman’s bedroom. Phwoar. No wonder they’re all coming over here in their droves. Next time I see one Mrs. Hopkins, I will hit it with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Mail. And may I say, you are just lovely, and you’ve really brightened up an old man’s day. Hail Satan,”

Hopkins claimed that thousands of immigrant false widows were arriving on cargo ships every single day in the UK, and that many lived “6 to a web, right over your head in the attic, scuttering around in corners where you can’t see them, waiting to give you a painful bite on the toe for absolutely no reason, because that’s what they’re like,”

The media has been accused of scaremongering about the false widow spider, and in cases where people have been bitten by a spider, it is easy to confuse false widows with several other species of venomous spider that can bite people, especially when the Daily Mail has apparently managed to convinced everybody that they’re spider experts all of a sudden.

Owls Be Like ‘F*** Your Pop Up Café, Man’

Plans to open a pop-up ‘Owl Bar’ in London have been met with objections and criticism, not least from the owls themselves.

hootie

A spokesperson from an owl sanctuary has objected to the event, on the grounds that:

“Owls are sensitive and shy nocturnal creatures, and it is cruel to subject them to a crowded or noisy atmosphere such as an event or party,”

Spokesowl Hootie, a large Jazz-Owl from Harlem, speaking on behalf of the group of owls expected to spend the week being fondled by drunken patrons said quite righteously:

“That’s right bitch! Owls be secretive and sensitive birds, wid ‘sepshunal hearin’. Subjectin’ us t’large crowds and noise aint whut be best fo’ our welfare. What it is, Mama. Right On!”

The organiser of the event claimed that:

“The organisers have also made sure the noise and background music will be kept to minimal and an owl will only have around 10-12 members of public around him/her at a given time.”

To which Hootie replied:

What? You’s wants’ me t’rap t’each group uh assholes fo’ 10-12 minutes? What am ah’ supposed t’do? Lap dance? Vomit up a shrew? Fuck yo’ pop up cafe man. Some bitch be missin’ her nose an’ eyeball after 5 minutes of that lame-ass unpaid performin’ shit. ‘S coo’, bro,”

Prince Philip ‘No Longer Britain’s Best Bigot’ Claims Jeremy Clarkson

‘Top Gear’ presenter Jeremy Clarkson has smashed the leading score on Top Gear’s “Racist Reasonably In Favour With The Public” leader board.

“That’s the fastest anyone’s ever gone from Allen Partridge to Princess Diana in the public eye,”

Said host Richard Hammond, referring to the petition to reinstate Clarkson.

Jeremy_Clarkson

In an interview about the controversy, Clarkson said:

“If Jonathan Ross called his dog Fatima Whitbread, smirked about it on Twitter and then tried to chin a producer during a tantrum, he’d be down the Jobcentre right now. It’s right there at the top of the board and official now. I’m currently the best bigot reasonably in favour with the public,”

Prince Phillip has consistently topped the leader board, despite the Top Gear team having to knock ten points off for him a royal, and fifteen points for being a senile, out of touch old cabbage-fart. But this time Clarkson has smashed it, destroyed it, ripped it up, and other euphemisms for achievement that sound sort of violent and manly.

“I’m relived in a way,”

Said a Top Gear fan from Grimsby.

“I was worried that when Prince Phillip pops his clogs, we won’t have anyone to regularly give us our vicarious racist thrill by insulting people in public and not ending up a jobless, social pariah, and we’d have to just keep watching ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ on repeat all the time,”

Badger Baiter Badgered By Belligerent Badger Boar

A lifelong member of the Barnsley Brotherhood of Badger Baiters has been badgered by an angry badger, on his way home from a briefing on Brockbait road in Badgergate.

Brian Bajour, 44 described the badger as a “Bloody belligerent, a big boar badger with great big balls,”

A Badgerfit of the badger that bothered Brian Bajour on Brockbait road in Badgergate.

A Badgerfit of the badger that bothered Brian Bajour on Brockbait road in Badgergate.

He went on to describe how it began to badger him at the beginning of Brockbait road, and continued to bother him until he reached Badger avenue.

“This badger wouldn’t bugger off. I was beleaguered by the bothersome badger until I backed off & hoped it would bedevil some other bugger,”

Any residents of Badgergate badgered by bothersome badger boars are urged to call Badgerstoppers, or speak to anyone wearing a BadgerWatch Badge.