animal rights – The Beezly Street Gazette

Atos To Reclassify Foxes As Job Seekers

A leaked email from Atos to Prime Minster David Cameron describes British foxes as “scrounging little furry gits” and “thieving hippies”, and details plans to put them on a compulsory back to work scheme in the “outdoor entertainment industry”.

Foxes will be offered employment in several industries including childcare, retail and ambulance driving. The compulsory hunting scheme will only be enforced if they do not fill in and return the paperwork issued to them in a reasonable amount of time, and attend a Work Capability Assessment at their nearest town or city.

The E-mail concluded by proposing that the scheme could be extended to other wildlife such as the brown hare, which could be offered seasonal posts in supermarkets and cafes, or on a local a dog track. The greater horseshoe bat, currently a protected species in the UK would make an “ideal night watchman or bakery supervisor”, and it was also suggested that hedgehogs could be used to serve cocktail sausages at Tory functions, or risk having their benefits sanctioned and being used as bowling balls by drunken Eton boys on a weekend in the country.

The current law, which protects foxes from both hunting and Atos, was described as “archaic” and “out of touch”. TV personality Basil Brush reacted to the news by issuing a statement that said:

“Bloody typical, smug, barbaric, bloodthirsty bastards. And that’s swearing. Boom boom!”

Owls Be Like ‘F*** Your Pop Up Café, Man’

Plans to open a pop-up ‘Owl Bar’ in London have been met with objections and criticism, not least from the owls themselves.

A spokesperson from an owl sanctuary has objected to the event, on the grounds that:

“Owls are sensitive and shy nocturnal creatures, and it is cruel to subject them to a crowded or noisy atmosphere such as an event or party,”

Spokesowl Hootie, a large Jazz-Owl from Harlem, speaking on behalf of the group of owls expected to spend the week being fondled by drunken patrons said quite righteously:

“That’s right bitch! Owls be secretive and sensitive birds, wid ‘sepshunal hearin’. Subjectin’ us t’large crowds and noise aint whut be best fo’ our welfare. What it is, Mama. Right On!”

The organiser of the event claimed that:

“The organisers have also made sure the noise and background music will be kept to minimal and an owl will only have around 10-12 members of public around him/her at a given time.”

To which Hootie replied:

What? You’s wants’ me t’rap t’each group uh assholes fo’ 10-12 minutes? What am ah’ supposed t’do? Lap dance? Vomit up a shrew? Fuck yo’ pop up cafe man. Some bitch be missin’ her nose an’ eyeball after 5 minutes of that lame-ass unpaid performin’ shit. ‘S coo’, bro,”