You’ve read the adverts, you’ve seen the infomercials, and now you too can be ‘Beach Body Ready’ with a military issue body bag!
Objectors to the new trend say it’s “morbid” and “creepy” and “restrictive”. But we say going on holiday is about what total strangers think of your ass, rather than enjoying yourself and having fun.
As we all know, beaches are not allowed to be fun unless you look like a fitness model. So volleyball, paddling, swimming and sunbathing are holiday no-nos for you I’m afraid. Somebody might look at your butt, and then where will we be? In hell, that’s where. And it will be all your fault for having an ordinary butt.
Instead of walking about or swimming on the beach in a bikini or swimsuit, you simply zip yourself into the bag and pretend to be a corpse for the duration of your holiday. As you can see from the photo, you won’t miss out on your holiday Pina Colada – simply unzip the bag and quickly take a drink while no-one is looking. You could even get one of those big long bendy straws and feed it through a tiny hole in the zip. Just take care to remain motionless, or somebody might call the paramedics.
This radical new beachwear solves all of your completely out-of-proportion body woes in one wipe-clean swish of a zip, and doubles as a dry cleaning bag when you get home.
Crafty gals can cut slits in the bottom of the bag, so that they can walk about in the dead of night without disturbing anyone’s holiday by not looking like Christy Turlington.
Black is an incredibly slimming colour, and we’re sure you’ll love hiding your awful, terrible, imperfect body away by pretending to be dead during your holiday.
The 100% opaque outer casing of the bag deflects the sun’s harmful UV rays, so there is no need to wear sun lotion. How liberating is that? And you’ll sweat so much inside the plastic bag that you will lose up to ten pounds over the course of a week. Imagine that – going on holiday and coming back a whole ten pounds lighter! You can enjoy all of these benefits and more by simply zipping up and lying down. We bet you’re really looking forward to your week in the sun now.
The Beezly Street Gazette 
Perhaps creating a double size bag would enable ladies to have sex on the beach. Normally, ladies hoping to pull the sleazy but hunky waiter have to order a ‘sex on the beach’ cocktail, hoping the hunky waiter understands the real request
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