North Korean Lobster Wasp Set To Invade South Coast

The first in a 5 part series on the effects of global warming on the UK’s insect population.

lobster wasp

Swarms of mildly pissed-off killer hornets with massive lobster claws from North Korea are set to invade our shores this Easter, warns DEFRA.

The hornets, which are not known to have left North Korea before, are likely to become startled by western bees. This could lead to decimation of already fragile bee populations. It is not uncommon for UK bees to mock their leader Kim Jong Wasp, by creating unflattering sculptures of him out of chewed-up wax.

The Korean Lobster Wasp is so named because of its unusual mandibles, which resemble lobster claws. These can slice off our smaller, native wasp and bee head in a single pincer movement. These heads are often mounted on the walls of wasp’s nests on a little plaque made out of a discarded lolly stick.

 bee head

During the summer months, western working wasps are left with time on their hands after raising their broods, and roam around getting tanked up on fermented fruits, causing trouble and drunkenly picking on other insects. This has led to riots between insect populations.

A spokesperson for Bug Conservation UK advised that all wasps should be treated with caution, especially during the summer months when they gorge on fermented fruit and get blind drunk.

“Don’t try to twat them with a rolled up newspaper when you’re in a beer garden. You may be both pissed as farts, but they’re quicker than you. Just politely ask them to move on and try not to stare them down, or they will sting you in the face for fun. Because they are bastards,”

He added “And if you see a wasp with massive pincers like a lobster, put your drink down and run like fuck,”

Read about the even more deadly Pomeranian Bollock Wasp in part 2 of this 5 part series on global warming and insect populations.

Comments

  1. Matt Walker says:

    I didn’t even finish reading yet and I had to pause for laughter. Ok.. Heading back in now.. Too dang funny.

    Liked by 1 person

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