A new study on people that type things like ‘Mmmm dead piggy sandwich, yum yum yum’ onto the status updates of Vegans on Facebook, and then justify it with claims that vegans are miserable control freaks with no friends that deserve to be casually abused on the Internet, suggests that they are ‘mostly lying’ about run-ins with pushy vegan Nazis trying to ban sausages for no reason.
“I’d go as far as to call them insecure bullies with small willies,” said the scientist that carried out the experiment. “There’s very little evidence to suggest that vegans are actually harassing meat eaters or even moaning at them very much at all. If posting pictures of cute animals and asking people to consider not eating them constitutes harassment, then my 12 year old niece must be public enemy number one,”
Participants in the study were asked to recount an occasion where they actually felt bullied or verbally put-down by a vegan, in relation to their own diet. To ensure an accurate result, they were hooked up to a Polygraph during the interview, and an electric shock was administered if the Polygraph detected a lie.
When a 45 year old plumber from Milton Keynes recounted a story about how he was harassed in a restaurant by a moany woman accusing him of being a murderer because he was eating a steak, he was shocked at a total of 11 times. He then changed his story to somebody at his table politely asking the waiter to make a vegetarian dish without cheese. Oh the humanity.
A 37 year old teacher from Lancaster began to talk about his ex girlfriend deliberately sabotaging his bacon sandwich by burning the bacon because she was a cray-cray bitch. He was shocked a total of four times, before admitting that she’d never cooked it before, and it was nice of her to cook him some bacon even though she didn’t really like the smell.
When the results were processed, it was clear that only a small percentage of encounters with vegans were hostile or preachy, and only a minority of people with a vegan diet were annoying loonies. The study concluded that these people would be annoying loonies anyway, even if being a vegan didn’t exist.
The findings showed a striking gender bias towards male meat eaters making cock-wombley comments like “Get a bacon sandwich down you love!” towards female vegans, although male vegans were targets too.
“This is not really about enjoying a nice sausage sandwich, or actually feeling persecuted by people that love animals,”
Said a spokesperson for the team of nutritionists that carried out the study.
“It’s really more about feeling a bit insecure about your own masculinity and saying nasty stuff to girls on the Internet. Telling everybody on Facebook that you regularly eat steak is supposed to give them the impression that you’re a bit of a cave man and a loveable rogue, who can definitely sustain an erection. And you get to put a girl down with your best attempt at half-baked wit, thus ensuring she blocks you and you don’t accidently message her a picture of your tiny, flaccid penis at half four on a Saturday night when you’re plastered,”
“But for fuck’s sake, let’s get real. You didn’t chase that steak around the Savannah yourself and stick a spear in it. Your wife bought it from Sainsburys. Nil cave man points for you, fucko,”
The Beezly Street Gazette 
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